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copb00
Newbie

Reged: 02/09/11
Posts: 2
serodiscordant relationship advice
      #254439 - 02/19/11 04:48 AM

Hi, Just thought I'd share my experience and maybe get some advice. I've been finding it quite hard to deal with life recently and I'm honestly quite lost.

I'm 30 years old and was diagnosed positive last summer, it really came as a shock since I've always been quite responsible when it came to sex, I've only had unprotected sex with 3 men in my whole life, one of them my current partner, we trusted each other and didn't use protection for over a year, he got tested a few months after I was diagnosed and results were negative, I'm really happy for him and I want his status to remain that way.

We really love each other and aside from a few minor issues that I suppose happen in every relationship I am convinced I want to be with him for life. I started treatment right after i was diagnosed and I'm undetectable and very healthy. My sex drive is normal but still I'm very frustrated, It's been over 9 months since I had sex.

When we've discussed the subject he always tells me I should be patient and that he needs to reach a point in which he will be financially able to take the risk of being with me again ( It's the same when I talk to him about living together). The problem is he does occasionally sleep with other men, his position is he is human and has urges and I have to accept that since it's not his fault I am in this situation and can't expect him to just stop having sex. Also, since he's not open about his occasional flings, I've also found I've turned into a really jealous and insecure person, and I don't think that's healthy either.

This whole situation has me completely frustrated, I'm human too and sometimes it can get very lonely. It's really hard to want to be with someone in that way and not knowing if it's ever going to happen.

I don't know what to think. I mean... we had unprotected sex for such a long time, I wasn't even on ARVs and he's fine. Is it really such a big risk now? I think things would be much easier if I wasn't that much in love, should I just forget about the fact that he's not being faithful? Should I start looking for sex elsewhere and just be happy with having a "platonic" relationship with him?

On top of everything I'm in a country where hiv is still taboo, so I get very insecure about it, I'm not even sure someone would accept being with me knowing i'm positive. What is the usual dating etiquette when it comes to hiv status? Should it be disclosed straight away or can it wait until things start getting serious? Wouldn't people just feel betrayed and run away?

This whole situation has me completely confused and depressed, I want to be patient I keep thinking things will get better but time just keeps passing by and I don't want to spend my life waiting for something that might not even happen.

What should I do? Has anybody been through a similar situation? Is it possible that over time we'll leave these things behind and regain normality? Or maybe he just doesn't want to commit or doesn't love me enough to see past this? Should I take some time for myself at the risk of losing what i have with him?

Thanks for reading,

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kicker
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Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: serodiscordant relationship advice new
      #254469 - 02/21/11 09:57 AM

Let me play "Dear Abby" for a minute if you will.

Ask yourself this, would you tolerate this behavior if you weren't positive? Would it be ok for him to go out on these flings if it was before you tested positive? If the answer is no then why are you allowing yourself to be put even further down by a man who obviously has already left the relationship? Is it because you are afraid of being left alone? Is it because of the unknown? Let's face it you have been alone before and you were just fine, you were able to find someone and you can do it again.

Why allow this creep to reap all the benefits while allowing yourself to be hurt in the process? I'm sure it has taken a toll. You are better than that positive/negative.

Here is my non-Abby advice. Tell him to stay with the trick of the week while giving him the one finger salute and then throw a party.

Better alone and feeling lonely than with someone and being alone I always say.


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Chloe1023
Newbie

Reged: 03/03/10
Posts: 11
Re: serodiscordant relationship advice new
      #254533 - 02/25/11 12:39 PM

You are not alone even though you Have an HIV. Find others withg HIV positive singles at site named www.PositiveFishes.com. you may be upset and think your sex life is over. However, once you settle down and learn the facts, you'll realize that having HIV is not the end of the world, and it's not the end of your social life.

--------------------
http://www.PozSpaces.comm The Largest Hiv Posive Dating Site.

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John_79
Newbie

Reged: 03/01/11
Posts: 1
Re: serodiscordant relationship advice new
      #254592 - 03/01/11 10:40 PM

Hi there,

I do agree with Kicker. Would you tolerate that behavior if you weren't positive?
You need to meditate if what drives you to continue with him is real love or actually fear of being alone and never again be in a relationship.
I do know the feeling! Believe me!
I am 31 years old and was diagnosed 1 year ago, I was starting a relationship and just went to the doctor to check some nodes on my neck and there it was! I was diagnosed hiv +.

Thank God my couple dealt with it, staying and supporting me a lot. I don't know enough words in English to express my gratitude and love for him!
If he had asked me about permision for having sex "outside", I wouldn't had been able to deal with it: if we had a monogamic relationship prior to knowing my status, why should we change the rules? Should I have to allow him to have sex with others as a prize just because he still stays with me for being +?

If prior to you knowing your new "status" you weren't on a monogamic relationship with him, I would understand why you are letting him having those encounters: If that is the case it would be difficult for him to change the rules of the game as that it is not how the relationship was originaly conceived.

About you sex drive concern, I know how hard the fear is of contaging your beloved ones but with protected and concious sex you can have a good sexual life. Of course, it took a lot of time and talks to relax and use condom for oral sex (that is actualy what i miss the most) because a normal practice.

Anyway, whatever the case is, if you are suffering for this situation, you should discuss it with him but don't keep that within you: this will bring only more and more discussion and suffering.
If the relationship is destinated to end, don't be afraid as it won't be the end. There are a lot of hiv + guys over there with the same feelings and magnetic couples are also very possible.

I am sorry if my english isn't very good but it's midnight here and I am from Argentina

Hope you can clarify your concerns and have a enjoyable relationship,
Kind regards
John

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iam1
Fanatic

Reged: 06/17/09
Posts: 165
Loc: Georgia
Re: serodiscordant relationship advice new
      #254613 - 03/03/11 12:27 AM

My first thought is exactly what kicker says. The only thing you have to show this person is the outside of the door. He has sexual needs? I reread your letter, and I didn't see where you told us you had been castrated. He's using your HIV status as an excuse to sleep around. If he's that caring you should dump him immediately if you haven't already.

You've hit the question right on the head - when to tell. Of course, you have to tell at some point. We were talking about this tonight at a support group I go to. The only consensus is that the other person needs to know before you start taking your clothes off.

One person had a good idea that works for us in the U.S. He brought the subject of CD4 counts up with his partner. They made a date to go to the library and research the topic. It gave him a chance to educate his partner before she could form opinions.

You'll find in the world that most people are woefully ignorant when it comes to HIV. Including many who are infected. I have a very good friend who has always said the best thing we can do to fight this disease is to EDUCATE! People are less afraid of something when they can understand it better. It's easier to talk about something when both sides know something about the topic of discussion.

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