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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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Dizengoff
Newbie

Reged: 05/26/10
Posts: 3
Need serious relationship advice/coping skills
      #253144 - 11/16/10 06:32 PM

Maybe others have had this problem. I hate to bare my soul on here, but I need help.
I am positive and in my late 20's... All I want in this life is a partner. I don't want a one night stand. I want someone who will be with me through bad and good, every day and every night. I would never want to infect another, as this is the worse curse one could ask for... I always tell potential BF's about my status...and usually meet with rejection...if not immediately, in a few days... calls are not returned etc etc.
I am sick of it. I am so sick and tired of the rejection. I cannot NOT disclose my status, as I just can't do that to someone. I just don't think I will EVER find someone. I haven't seen much out there in the way of literature about positive/negative relationships... I thought I could just wipe the notion out of my mind of having a husband, but it is a yearning that just will not go away. I have even been rejected by another positive guy, but I think it was more of his personal problems than anything else.

I really need some advice. I don't want to die alone.
I only want companionship, love and passion. I can take care of myself, and my bills, and I don't need financial assistance, just LOVE! Guys can't seem to understand this. I dont get it.
If other positive men out there are in/have been in this situation, I would really appreciate hearing from you, advice as well as coping skills.

Thank you



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kicker
Moderator

Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1130
Loc: GA, USA
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253178 - 11/17/10 07:19 PM

You're not the only one. I just want to be with someone as well. Sex for me doesn't even play a part in my thinking at the moment. I've tried with both to be open and honest and will admit being recently tested positive, I am a wreck, but I also know that I need to support only a partner/lover can give you.

I can't offer advice or even pretend to know the answer I just know that I keep hoping for brighter days. Will they come who knows, but I do know if you give up...well then it will never happen. I don't know, but don't base yourself on someone else shortfalls. That is what I can tell you for sure. Just because they are uneducated or can't see past what must be a huge nose doesn't say a thing about you. Hey maybe just maybe we both will be lucky some day. Lets keep our fingers crossed. :)

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qwerty1
Newbie

Reged: 11/17/10
Posts: 1
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253179 - 11/17/10 07:27 PM

Do not give up hope.

I'm negative and my boyfriend told me about his status around 2 weeks after us first meeting. I reassured him right away that it doesn't matter to me, I knew very little about HIV at the time but I did know it wasn't something I was going to let get in the way of a relationship with a man who had swept me off my feet.

I absolutely love him and am so happy I've found him, to me he's perfect. You'll find your perfect guy too, I promise you.

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Dizengoff
Newbie

Reged: 05/26/10
Posts: 3
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253183 - 11/17/10 08:25 PM

Thank you so much for your replies. If nothing else, somehow it helps to know that I am not alone in this... and to qwerty1 - I think it is great that you can see past this illness, and see the real man that you love. This is all I can ask for, and hope for. I will keep hoping and searching...

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ANewDay
Newbie

Reged: 11/18/10
Posts: 2
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253219 - 11/18/10 04:06 PM

Don't give up, better days will come... really!

Through my life I've met many guys, but the one who would "fit the bill" seemed to never materialize. And this from someone who was negative during his search for that someone to share life with.

On my 45 birthday I became ill. Not sick type ill, just lost a lot of weight and really didn't think much of it. Then a terrible rash appeared and a trip to have it all checked up gave me the results I hadn't even thought about. During this time period I had met someone. I found out that I was positive about 2 weeks after initially meeting him.

Terrified over it all I knew my first step was to call him and let him know what I found out. It's the hardest call I've ever had to place. Imagine my total shock when he replied "so you think I'm dumping you because of that?". Here we are now, about to celebrate our 13th anniversary on Nov 27th. (He is still NEG). I've been on meds since the day I found out and other than the usual blips in the CD4's, I've been undetectable for the entire 13 years now with CD4's between 875 and 1,945 throughout the years. On my last visit to my Specialist he told me that I was the healthiest of all the patients he currently sees and fully expects me to live another 20 or more years.

Don't get me wrong, rejection hurts and I'd had plenty of that before meeting my life's partner. Just toughen yourself and always tell yourself that you're worth the time it's taking to find that right man. You'll soon come to realize that those who reject you, POZ or not, are just usually in it all for the one night stand and not ready for anything that resembles a commitment that means work, love, sticking it out through the good & bad, and just loving your for who you are (not wanting to change you in any way). It took me 45 years to do it! I'm hoping that you find it sooner, but if not, don't give up... he's lurking out there somewhere.

You will not die alone! You will find that "right" husband to share your life with and you'll look back at this time in your life as a type of learning experience. You'll come to understand that sometimes you have to dig to the bottom of the barrel to find the good apple. But when you find it... look out. I felt as you do, and I was NEG, from my 20's through age 45. I look back at it now and it was such a waste of my time and emotions getting caught up in it all. We good ones tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves where it seems to get battered around now and then.

The yearning will never go away, so don't try wipe it from your mind. Just let yourself know that you still have a good life ahead of you, and that one day when you least expect it, Mr. Right will come out of no where. Until then, just take care of you. Physically, mentally & emotionally. After all, you want to be at your best when he does arrive. And believe me... HE WILL.


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Dee_M
Newbie

Reged: 11/18/10
Posts: 2
Loc: East/Se Texas
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253220 - 11/18/10 04:08 PM

You need to join a support group bcause youre not alone. I think that most of us are in this same situation. Ive only dealt with the telling a guy that wantd to meet me that i'm poz once and it was heartbreaking bcause we had chatd everyday online for hours for about 4-6 months, on the surface he said that he was cool with it but i dont think he was(and i dont blame him). I learned years ago that the gay life is soo different than str8 bcause str8 relationships are what we mostly see and thats what we want but its kinda different, ive learnd that i'm ok with being alone but its good to have LIKE friends that u can talk to, its hard when u like in a smaller town though. But thats what poz support groups are for(to be around LIKE ppl that u can relate to and vice versa. You never know who u might meet at one if you cant find one it may be time to explore your social skills and creative side and start one. I wish u luck and dont give up hope xoxo

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life1234
Newbie

Reged: 11/18/10
Posts: 1
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253223 - 11/18/10 08:04 PM

Hi,

I don't have any particular advice for you, but just wanted to share that I am currently trying to work things out with a positive guy (I'm negative) and HIV plays such a little part in our relationship.

In my opinion, most problems that serodiscordant couples face are the same as any other couple would.

There are plenty of negative guys (such as myself) that don't care if our partners are positive, we just want the same as you: love and respect.

Hang in there, finding love isn't an easy thing. Just please DON'T give up!!!

Cheers!

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dove02
Newbie

Reged: 11/19/10
Posts: 2
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253227 - 11/19/10 07:34 AM

Like other contributors here, I don't really have any advice to offer. But I can totally empathize with your situation. I am positive for the past 4 years, im in my early 30's and I'm single. I always disclose my status to people, and my experience has been that that's the end of any possible relationship. I am surprised to read that this situation exists in the USA, I assume you're American? I'm Irish, and here the stigma is so large that I have, more or less, resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life. I don't do casual hook-ups..but my status seems to be an insurmountable barrier to the guys I've met. Sorry...I'm sure this message won't cheer anyone up!! Despite all that, I'm happy, and I think if you can't be happy alone, no one else will ever make you happy. But hey...a relationship would be wonderful.

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ANewDay
Newbie

Reged: 11/18/10
Posts: 2
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253237 - 11/20/10 09:43 AM

Your post need not cheer or depress anyone.

And you got it all right... if you can't be happy alone, no one else will ever make you happy! With an attitude like that, and the patience you portray, you have 90% of the battle won. The other 10% will fall in place one day soon.



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hivpoznc
Regular

Reged: 06/26/09
Posts: 29
Loc: North Carolina
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253549 - 12/14/10 11:46 PM

First of all, you sound like you would be an incredible partner in a relationship. Therefore, you deserve to have a great partner. Don't sell yourself short. You are NOT less than others because you have AIDS. Some guys don't want to date someone who is taller than they are. Some guys don't want to date someone who is a different race than they are. Some guys don't want to date someone who is a different HIV status than they are. Part of the process of finding the right partner is finding that person who respects you and loves you for the person that you are. You do not deserve someone who is going to treat you badly. You should always reveal your HIV status to your partner. There will be some guys who are afraid to date you because of a difference between your status and his status just as there may be some guys who will not want to date you because of a difference in the types of food you like to eat or the types of tv shows you like to watch. The most important thing is that you choose a partner who likes you for the HIV positive person that you are.

Edited by hivpoznc (12/14/10 11:48 PM)

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aron
Member

Reged: 12/28/10
Posts: 10
Loc: Missouri
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253711 - 12/28/10 08:51 PM

I really thought your post hit home with me. I am 41 ( but don't look it), and have been positive since 2006. At first I swore off relationship, and for the last few years it's been fine, lonely but fine. Over the last 10 - 12 months I have gone back to really wanting to find that one great, life long partner. But as you have found out, it's hard, and people tend to blow your off, or flat out run away when they here about my status. I wish i had the answer for you, but I have had the same luck as you have. It is a very lonely life, and I always find myself thinking, maybe one of these days, that great guy is going to come along, that doesn't mind about my status.


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aron
Member

Reged: 12/28/10
Posts: 10
Loc: Missouri
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253712 - 12/28/10 08:56 PM

What a great response to the post. It actually made me feel a lot better too. I'm an American as well, and I've pretty much settled on the fact that I'll be single forever.

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MIADAVE
Newbie

Reged: 12/30/10
Posts: 2
Loc: Miami Fl
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #253749 - 12/30/10 11:52 PM

No, you won't be single the rest of your life. The Way I look at it. Being Positive is just a medical situation I have to Manage, monitor and observe, no different than if I had Diabetes. Yeah, I disclose, and Yeah a lot of times that is a buzzkill for a lot of guys, but then I relax in affirming that we aren't compatable. Just like if he's into cats, and I'm into dogs.
I'm in my late 20's too, and I gave up on trying to find someone to love me to fill my needs. Now when I meet someone I want to share something with, I come from a space of love. It took a lot of work, prayer, meditation, and introspection, but Thank you God, I found that Man I was always out there looking for. I found him in me.
Good luck bro, and keep on writing up on these boards.

--------------------
> HIV

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karan9delhi
Regular

Reged: 09/11/09
Posts: 37
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #254198 - 02/04/11 02:28 PM

hey man thats great..you found that love in yourself..man i love you.....muahhh

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karan9delhi
Regular

Reged: 09/11/09
Posts: 37
Re: Need serious relationship advice/coping skills new
      #254199 - 02/04/11 02:32 PM

hey Guys.

i agree with you all..i reallly like from MIADAVE .. he found his love in himself..thats great..and wowwwww...no one can betray him like my bf who used to love me soooo much...but when he came to know abt my status..he just disappreared...

hey you are not alone..we all love you...muahhhhhhh


Karan India

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