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Wayde
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Reged: 01/28/10
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Posts: 1
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No where else to turn to.
#249238 - 01/28/10 03:22 PM
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It's been almost eight months since i found out that i was HIV positive and life sems to have gone down hill from there. I was infected intentionaly but i was careless and foolish as well. Too in love to see that he was only using me. Since then for months it's been nothing but depression, sadness and loniness. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and wish more than anything to not be on the earth anymore. I tried commiting suicide once andn that only made things worse. I ask myself what did i do that was so wrong to deserve all this. Don't know what i am really doing on here. most of all i just need good people to talk to.
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Hey,
This is the first time I've ever posted anything here but sometimes I like to see how other people feel and what they're thinking. I don't know what your situation was but it sounds like it's over. If it's not, then maybe it should be. It's strange because this is the second time today I've found myself posting on a "HIV" site for a similar story. Listen, you are not along, you just need to get out there and start getting back into a routine. Being upset is a normal reaction and being upset about finding out your positive AND whatever happened between you and your man must be tough but you've got to remember. You are so much luckier than millions of other people. Rather than asking yourself "What did I do that was so wrong to serve all this" be grateful for the opportunities you have. First off, you have a ton of information at your hand on sites like this and HIV is not what it was 15 or 20 years ago. You can lead a productive and normal life if you take care of yourself. HIV is a manageable condition and you don't have to die from it. Think of the millions of people out there who never had the drugs that are available to us now. Or the millions of people that were treated like filthy rapid animals because of their status. Or think about all of the people who are alive now in this world where we have these incredible drugs to keep us healthy and they don't have access to them because of where they live.
Think about what it must be like to be in Haiti right now.
Listen man, heartbreak and betrayal hurt. Trust me I know. I too let myself get this disease because of the wrong choices I made from trusting a guy but we're the lucky ones. We're the ones who get to live. The best way to get yourself out of this rut is to start doing the things that you like to do. happiness will follow. And if you ever feel sad again....that's what these forums are for.
Thanks for reading....
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Courtkidx
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Newbie
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Reged: 01/27/10
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Posts: 5
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Loc: Chicago, Ill, USA
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Wayde,
If you need someone to talk to send me a message. I just found out about myself less than a month ago. Dont give up hope
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Angel_Ronnie
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Guru
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Reged: 06/01/06
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Posts: 251
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Loc: Gauteng, South Africa
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It is never easy dealing with an ilness or a disease. no matter how the grieving process is the same and it takes time, "Rome wasn't build in a day". the first thing is to seek a support group in your area, also a doctor that you feel comfortable with as he/she will be your adviser in treatment or as long you don't need it but never wait until it is to late. Early treatment is better than putting it off as " I am not ready".
the anger is part of the grieving process so give yourself the time to be angry. Thought living with hiv going for 4 years in may have i found the sooner you get over it the better it will be for you. Accpetance is the big key here and it will help you recover in a big way. start living life and not hiv as it is a part of your life and not your life in the whole. you all have friends that will be there when you need them to be, family members people that loves you so reach out to them those you feel comfortable with. you don't need to tell everyone you meet, but it will be safer when you are open about it as it leaves little room for accusations and guilt from another or potential partner that can result in any legal action against you.
you guys are among friends and people who understand what you are going through and we are here to guide and assist where we can. you just hav eto reach out and make the first step towards healing yourself.
welcome to the body
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"Live for today, because what you do today is what you use to make your future"
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Hi wayde,
I can understand that you`re going through a rough time, i was diagnosed almost one year ago.. depressed and yes thought about suicide! A good friend of mine who was only 23 took his own life about 5 years ago (don`t know why??) all i know is that he left his family and friends devastated and when i see his family now , the pain and suffering is still there!! Your family and friends love you more than you realise.. think of them!
It`s impossible to deal with this on your own, confide in a good friend or a therapist. rather than concentrating on how awful it is to have HIV, it could be worse! Cancer or car accidents take young lives !! Be strong (even though it`s not always easy) .
You might be HIV positive , but you have a chance to live a long happy life... only you can make that happen... don`t allow it to destroy your spirit and who you are!! I`m sure you have alot to offer someone!!
I`m only 33 ... and believe me this was not part of the plan , but there are so many guys in the same situation!! Any association you could join??
Get the help you need to get through this and then concentrate on making your life a happy one (as much as you can) you have choices that some people don`t.
It`s not easy , i can fully understand!! You will find the strength!!
Take Care,
Dreamer
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its normal to think like this in very starting days...
Even i have been through the same situation , when my bf left me (hiv-) aftr knowing my status..bt yes he used to love me a lot..there were some misundrstings too...i used to cry starting from night to morning....and i cried again when i read ur story...
Bt when something has happened ITS DONE n we cant take step back...its better TO concentrate on what v have...
i wud tell u sumting in short what inspired me to live...when MY test came poz i went to a hospital called spinal injury for retest...when i got reports in hand...i was cryng from inside..i was feeling as if i wud faint.then i saw one person who cannt walk bt using an electronic chair...and happened to pass by...later i came to know that he is the chairman of the hospital...
When ppl who cant walk...ppl who cant speak...ppl with some other probs, that they mite die any time...have rite to live....then y shoud v nt live...God has given life to live ...so live it
nw i concentrate on what i want...what i wanted to do in life...living life like a lilly which lives for a day n spreads its fragnance...
B a strong man...and u wud also find gud frnds.....
Tc and god bless u...like angel ronnie said...live for today..
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mr u dont have to worry abt being hiv positive , once u look after yr self and take good care of ur body plus going in for regular monitoring you will leave as as long as u need too , am positive living in uk but am in good condition nd am not even worried about it any more , if u need any one to talk too am here
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Angel_Ronnie
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Guru
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Reged: 06/01/06
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Posts: 251
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Loc: Gauteng, South Africa
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Quote:
It's been almost eight months since i found out that i was HIV positive and life sems to have gone down hill from there. I was infected intentionaly but i was careless and foolish as well. Too in love to see that he was only using me. Since then for months it's been nothing but depression, sadness and loniness. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and wish more than anything to not be on the earth anymore. I tried commiting suicide once andn that only made things worse. I ask myself what did i do that was so wrong to deserve all this. Don't know what i am really doing on here. most of all i just need good people to talk to.
Wayde it is not what you did wrong it happened and it is now time to live a healthy life maintain a healthy lifestyle and to be the best in what you can be to yourself and others. What you are doing here is reaching out to people for guidance and help there are so much to go around in here to support and help you. We all were once where you are now confused and hurt, anger and the tears. do not hold back what you feel but to let go and vent as much as you like.
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"Live for today, because what you do today is what you use to make your future"
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mylifeisnow
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Reged: 10/01/09
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Posts: 6
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Loc: Boston, MA
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You didn't do anything to deserve this. I feel your pain and have felt exactly what your feeling now. It will get better. The best thing you can do right now is find someone that can just listen. Cry it out then make a plan for yourself. Life doesn't end here, I am sure you will look back sometime and say "why did I let this get to me". I never thought I'd be giving this sort of advise and here I am.. I'm undectable, took responsibility for the wrong choices that led me here. I will never forgive the person who put this in my life knowingly but I had to move on. I'm sure you can too.. if you need anything, even just an online friend to talk to and vent to. I'm here.. just let me know.. joe@mylifeisnow.org
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toper3
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Reged: 04/08/10
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Posts: 9
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I know it's not as easy as me telling you---to seek help for YOURSELF, LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. But where are you located? is there anyway you can join a group--even if you don't want to talk--just listen--just knowing that there are others out there will make u not feel so alone.
I have only found out 1 mos ago--and only found out cuz i started having an eye problem. w/no other symptoms. I am healthy otherwise and determined NOT TO LET this disease run my life--but just to make adjustments--live with it and live as long as ANYONE ELSE.
wHAT HAS happend in the past--has ALREADY HAPPEND you can NOT do anything to change it. If you continue to be sad and depressed what is that going to accomplish--but if you start small and try to pre-occupy your mind and start to change your habits--EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE FOR YOU.
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You are here and still alive because there must be a reason which you may have not seen yet for it to be this way. I am not HIV+ but my partner whom I love dearly is. I am in the mental health field. You are surrounded by support in this site, people who don't even have to meet you in order to care about you. Do them a favor as well by caring for yourself. And turn to them, that is why there are so many people on this site. And it has been proven that a person's attitude toward their illness has a tremendous effect on the outcome(yes, even in cases of HIV+) Please don't throw in the towel, use it instead to lie on the beach and enjoy the seabreeze which is still there for you to enjoy.
Don't be afraid to reach out and be thankful for each and every day you are given.
Best of luck to you,
Al
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Maxstress
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Newbie
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Reged: 10/01/12
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Posts: 6
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Loc: Georgia
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Thanks for the reminder of what the best use of a towel is!
Diagnosed 2 weeks ago. Have considered throwing it in several times already.
I have a trip to the Island of St. Martin planned (its been in the works for 8 months) considered canceling the trip, but would find it difficult to explain to family and friends. SO I am going, to the nude beach at orient bay, in St Martin, throw my towel on the beach and soak up some sun.
This trip will prove to be a challenge but a week from today I'll be there.
Thanks again
KB
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