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DS86
Newbie

Reged: 08/01/09
Posts: 7
Loc: New York
Fears of infecting my boyfriend.
      #246837 - 08/01/09 11:31 PM

I have been positive for over two years now. I met my boyfriend a year and two months ago. We have a typical relationship, we love each other but have ups and downs. I fear that my sexual desire has been lessened because of being infected and I also started having a fear of infecting him early on in our relationship. I am sexually attracted to him but when we get in the bed sometimes it is a hit or miss for me. I sometimes lose my erection and don't know why and then the thoughts in my head begin to race and I could swear there were 5 different people in my head talking at the same time. My problem is that I am 23 and I hope that this does not carry on for too long. Anyone out there have the same problems as me?

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #246848 - 08/02/09 05:59 PM

I have been HIV positive for over 20 years and STILL have some of the same problems as you are experiencing. These problems do not just GO AWAY.
It takes a lot of work...with support groups or psychologist or councelors to work thru these fears.
I was lucky to find a great support group...and went to several over the years.
But I want to add that it is not just infecting your boyfriend that you need to be concerned about. Its also important to determine whether you are a monogamous couple or not...(he could bring home other STDS for example). Or if he has preexisting health issue such as hepatitis or herpes. You BOTH need to have a full workup. You both need to see your doctors and get tested for all STDS.
STD= sexually transmitted disease)

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6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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Samson
Newbie

Reged: 08/06/09
Posts: 3
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #246938 - 08/06/09 11:56 AM

Hey Man,

Thanks for your post. The exact same thing happened to me. I picked up the virus about a year and 1/2 ago, and the other night was my first time going to bed with someone negative. Everything was good and ready to go, but all of a suddenI had a Head Fuck and lost my hard on. I'm 28.



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~Namaste

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karunaguymb
Newbie

Reged: 08/06/09
Posts: 1
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #246943 - 08/06/09 01:56 PM

Hi there. My partner of almost 20 years just turned positive and I remain negative. We both are very worried about how to have sex; I a bit less than he (quite understandably). We are going to have to be inventive about sex. My biggest fear is avoiding precum with oral sex. Also, while part of me wants to wait until his viral load is low (also no guarantee against HIV in precum), that also implies the use of medication and I do not wish for him to take meds for as long as possible.... Love will conquer, but sex might frustrate!

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CWNND
Newbie

Reged: 09/10/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Indianapolis, IN
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #246944 - 08/06/09 02:41 PM

Hello, I read your post and understand your concerns. I am coming to you from the other side of the issue. I am in a 27 year relationship. My partner tested positive two years ago and I am negative. First, you need to let your boy friend take responsibility for himself, provided you have been completely up front regarding your status, your CD4 and Viral Load counts and everything from your side. You can both do your homework and know what is safer for the two of you to do, what you may want to do that has some level of risk, and then decide if the risk involved is worth the pleasure of the act.

My partner and I are still sexually active, though not as much as we were prior to him finding out his status. We have mutually agreed on what things are an acceptable risk to both of us and we don't go beyond that when having sex. As you have stated for yourself, my partner's sexual appetite is now much less than before finding out he was positive. But if I am extremely in need of something, he is normally there to assist me in whatever way I want. OK, it can be one sided sometimes, but we have accepted that.

Being together 27 years, we are committed to being a couple no matter what. When I took my partner to the hospital 2 years ago I was completely sure his problem was his asthma. The next day we found out he had HIV. His problem was pneumocystis pneumonia, a CD4 count of 68 and viral load was more than 150,000. He is now on meds, with an undetectible viral load, and a CD4 of about 256. He is improving.

Thing is, the responsibility for my well being has to fall squarely on my shoulders. I have to make the right choices for me and be responsible for my actions. I am tested every 6 months for both HIV and STDs. This is for both of us since I want to be sure that I never expose him to anything dangerous.

I really am to sure if this is helpful. You need to enjoy sex as much as you can. Be up front about things with your partner or partners. Let your partner or partners take responsibility for their own well being. Of course, it goes without saying, try not to intentionally do something that might pass the virus on to another person. If something happens by accident (and it will), your partner has taken that risk and should know how to proceed. Not every action will result in infection. We have already had our share of low risk exposure to me (purely accidental). I get tested six weeks following the potential exposure, then at 3 months and again at 6 months. If still negative, I continue with my 6 month schedule.

I am responsible for my well being. Because my partner loves me, he is careful with what he does to try and minimize a possible exposure.

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NYC_Guy
Newbie

Reged: 06/22/09
Posts: 6
Loc: New York, NY
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #247027 - 08/12/09 11:58 PM

Hey,

Good to hear from you. I'm 28 and was just diagnosed a little over a month ago and it is nice to hear that others are going through the same thoughts I'm going through. I think that the others here are right - you and your boyfriend are adults and have to make decisions together as to what is okay and not okay for your sex life. While you obviously care about him and want to be careful, ultimately those are his decisions to make.

The thing is, I know that all of that doesn't change how you feel when you are in bed. I think it is good that you feel a sense of responsibility. I'm not as far along as you are with things, but I'd like to believe that with time and by allowing yourself to live life, these situations will be easier to handle.

I think it's pretty amazing that you were able to meet someone after you diagnosed and that you're still together this long. That is all part of the process. With each day, we take another step into learning how to live a happy life. That doesn't mean that we're going to have days where it feels like we have stepped back. It just means that everything we do - everything is an opportunity for us to grow.

So keep taking it one step at a time. Your boyfriend is clearly a great guy with patience, so allow yourself all the time you need to be okay.

I remember one of the first things I read after I tested positive was that I have to start putting *me* first. I have a hard time with that, but reading your story, I can see why it is so important. If you focus on you - what you are feeling, what you are okay with, etc - and you keep an open communication with him, things are bound to move forward.

I wish you so much luck with everything!

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Check out my new blog: http://ze-gamur.blogspot.com/

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vejgeta9
Member

Reged: 11/15/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Phoenix, Az
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #247042 - 08/13/09 11:43 PM

I have the same fears. And I don't know what to do about. I mean, I love him, and I know he loves me, but I couldn't bear the thought of infecting him. However my ex doesen't seem to care. My feelings are so confused, I feel like crying. But I will not.

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DS86
Newbie

Reged: 08/01/09
Posts: 7
Loc: New York
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #247068 - 08/16/09 08:25 AM

Hey Man,

I hope this message finds you doing better than yesterday. It's unfortunate to hear that you tested positive a month ago. I remember where I was when I was a month into it. It only gets easier. Thanks for your message. Although this all is anonymous it really helps to get a personal response from people going through and experiencing what I am as well. Unfortunately we don't talk much about it but I think we both understand where sex lies in our relationship and that it may take a while. You are right he is a very patient and caring man and there are many out there. It took me a year and a half into my diagnosis to find the comfort of opening up to a lover. It was when I met him and after a month of dating ( no sex ) I had an emotional break down and let him know. Just to help you with any sort of fears you have about opening up to a possible lover, don't be afraid. Just make sure you have their trust and respect and tell them in the most honest and heart felt way and I think that most people appreciate it more than anything ( which is honesty ). It is nothing to be scared of or worried about. We are warriors and we will win this fight!

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DS86
Newbie

Reged: 08/01/09
Posts: 7
Loc: New York
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #247069 - 08/16/09 08:28 AM

Thanks buddy. I think those are my boyfriends thoughts exactly. Hope you and your boyfriend are having a great summer. Ciao!

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DS86
Newbie

Reged: 08/01/09
Posts: 7
Loc: New York
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #247070 - 08/16/09 08:32 AM

LOVE WILL OVERCOME ( no pun intended ). It all does seem frusrating but I think I found that he takes full responsibility for any actions that he or both of us do in the bed. When entering the bedroom we both know what is at risk but we are definitely doing okay. Sex will frustrate we are MEN of course but hang in there man. The only choice we have is took look at the positive and not the negative ( lol again... no pun intended ) Hope you and your boyfriend are doing better than ever! Ciao!

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DS86
Newbie

Reged: 08/01/09
Posts: 7
Loc: New York
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #247071 - 08/16/09 08:37 AM

LOL The one kind of FUCK we hate, right? It is so hard to get through those and don't feel bad because it is a natural part of being a concerned human being. My best friend has been my left hand for quite some time. It gets easier and remember as long as you are playing safe you are not doing ANYTHING wrong. Sometimes a little sauce ( alcohol ) will help loosen you up. That is, if you are with somebody that you know and trust. We all have to find our way and everyday is a new day. Just be grateful for having a new day to experience dude, seriously. Much Love. Xoxo Ciao!

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DS86
Newbie

Reged: 08/01/09
Posts: 7
Loc: New York
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #247072 - 08/16/09 08:42 AM

I would say Cry? Cry with him, cry with a friend, cry by yourself. It needs to come out because bottling up fears and emotions that other people do not know exist will only make the problem worse. ESPECIALLY if others do not know that you are feeling that way. The best policy with dealing with this is to be as OPEN as possible. As positive human beings we must be there for each other. The worst thing you can do is keep it in. Unclog your mind and you will feel better man. Even if the things are saying to your boyfriend do not make sense, because sometimes they don't, at least you are getting them off your chest. PLEASE coming from personal experience and making my relationship last for longer than a year, keeping it open emotionally has been the saving factor of our relationship. Because if he doesn't know how you are feeling but he starts to notice that you aren't having sex with him the NATURAL thought process he will most likely go through is that YOU ARE CHEATING ON HIM. Be open! Clear your mind and try to be as "positive" as possible. =)

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jbrady
Newbie

Reged: 09/01/09
Posts: 1
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #247374 - 09/01/09 06:32 PM

I have not read the other replies but I can relate. I too am dating someone negative. I was diagnosed last September. I was infected by someone I very much cared for and trusted. He did not tell me that he was positive. It was hard for me to start dating someone negative after that. I did not want my new boyfriend to be at risk. I have learned that it is his choice to be with you. If you are 100% honest with him and protect him by being safe then you are a good boyfriend. You are lucky and deserve to be happy... do not self destruct by pushing him away.

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jcruz898
Newbie

Reged: 09/02/09
Posts: 3
Re: Fears of infecting my boyfriend. new
      #247418 - 09/02/09 02:58 PM

Hi, don't worry you are not alone. I have been with my boy friend for 3 years and within the first 1 and half found out that I was positive. He has remained negative but it was a dark period for both us but we manage.
I recently noticed my sex drive has gone down. I love my boyfriend very much and it is also a hit or miss in bed but I think it's all in the head. I think the best solution is talking and being honest about what is going on. I know as a man it's hard but he would appreciate that. Try role playing or new things. Sometimes if you set the mood that could help.
You are very lucky to have someone stand by your side. I admire my boyfriend for being supportive and understanding what I have. Guys like that are hard to find and are priceless.
If you need any other advise please let me know.
Peace
Jay

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