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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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New User

Reged: 06/08/09
Posts: 16
Loc: Was UK now Australia
Compulsive Cruiser now reclusive
      #245989 - 06/08/09 11:42 PM

Hi all itís great to join a well structured and run forum.
I have been pos for 2 years now and have not disclosed or talked to anybody about HIV.
My problem is that I feel very guilty about getting HIV because the way I got it.

I am a closet gay meaning I am frightened about being found out that I like to have sex with men. I used to be a compulsive cruiser, although since I found out I have HIV I have not had sex with anybody. I do masturbate a lot which worries me a great deal as my fantasies are becoming more outrageous as time goes on.
Hopefully I can find someone to talk about this to by emails and maybe give me an outlet for my strange thoughts. I have become very much a recluse since HIV and fear any contact that will expose me. So as you can see Iím a bit of a pussy when it comes to being strong.
Please email me if you like


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Reged: 12/06/08
Posts: 130
Loc: NY, NY
Re: Compulsive Cruiser now reclusive new
      #245990 - 06/09/09 02:49 AM

i hope that your fantasies are safe ones. it is tough man, it is. i would encourage you t think about joining support groups if any are near you.

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Reged: 01/28/06
Posts: 27
Loc: san diego, california, usa
Re: Compulsive Cruiser now reclusive new
      #246023 - 06/12/09 02:26 AM

well. what to say? um. Its okay to be gay. I am gay. Its okay to have HIV. I am HIV+. Take small steps. You don't have to make everyone aware you are gay. just the gay ones. but they've got Gaydar and already know. Just kidding. But there is no shame in either being gay or having HIV so tell yourself you will no longer be ashamed of being who you are.

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New User

Reged: 06/16/09
Posts: 12
Re: Compulsive Cruiser now reclusive new
      #246182 - 06/17/09 04:29 PM

HI Jason: I know all about compulsion and being in the closet. I never touched another guy until i was in my mid 30s! I tested HIV+ last week so am still going through this major adjustment. If you have coverage or can afford it, I think the best thing for you to do is find a counselor and open up to them about your sexual orientation, your HIV and your fantasies - whatever they may be. Your human, and all of the things you're struggling with are common to millions of people around the world. It's OK. You sound like a good person and the fact that you've 'quarantined' yourself to not having sex with others is a sign that you care about yourself and're a good guy!!

Happy to chat more...take care of yourself, try and reach out to others and see a doctor IMMEDIATELY if u haven't already done so.


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New User

Reged: 12/11/08
Posts: 4
Re: Compulsive Cruiser now reclusive new
      #246205 - 06/18/09 12:48 AM

Your HIV status is not your problem, nor is your being gay. It's your fear of being known by others as homosexual that is the problem. Solve that, and everything will fall into place (including the fantasies).

There's not many reasons for being that closeted. Identify the cause by being honest with yourself (or with a good counsellor).

Free yourself of the belief that your wellbeing is more dependant on what others think of you than being at peace with who you are. There's no dress rehearsal for life, you are who you are - enjoy it, you'll be surprised at just how good it will feel.

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Reged: 05/29/07
Posts: 96
Re: Compulsive Cruiser now reclusive new
      #246214 - 06/18/09 04:54 AM

HIV is sometimes a wake up call, stop, get therapy and find out who you are. Love yourself! It's your life to live not anyone else's.

Good luck!

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New User

Reged: 04/15/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Toronto
Re: Compulsive Cruiser now reclusive new
      #246251 - 06/22/09 07:46 AM

Hey there is nothing wrong with being gay and it is not the reason why you became HIV+. I have meet many, many people who are not gay and they too are HIV+. They got it because they did not protect themselves.

It does not matter if it was a new relationship, one night stand, or someone who you have been married too. If one of you has the virus or has been infected with the virus because they had unprotected sex, or shared a needle with someone who is HIV+ then this is the reason. They took a risk and they the risk did not pay off.

I have meet seniors who thought that they are not at risk of getting HIV+ because this disease did not exist when they were dating. But now that there partner has passed and they get involved in a new relationship they donít ask the right questions or get educated about the risks to the choices that they are taking.

Please donít beat yourself up because you are gay. This is one of the reasons many people today are still getting infected with this disease. I am a gay man and I did not get infected with HIV because of who I slept with.

If you need to chat I am willing to listen and try to help anyway I can. Please feel free to contact me at

You friend and because we are infected with the same virus a member of our community
Kyle Vose


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New User

Reged: 04/19/09
Posts: 2
Loc: North Carolina
Re: Compulsive Cruiser now reclusive new
      #246345 - 06/27/09 05:09 AM

Hey, I just wanted to say hi and that you have a friend here.

Don't let HIV control your life, control it yourself. There is life after HIV now with medications so don't think that it is the end of the world. Don't feel guilty for getting it, we all take risks and we all make mistakes, we are human after all.

And there are relationships to be had and hookups too, you just have to take care and disclose your status. Most guys, if they have been properly educated, will respect you for that and things will be fine.

And work on letting your fears go and try to start coming out of the closet. It's not easy but you will feel so much better when you do.

Feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk.


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New User

Reged: 11/16/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Phoenix, Az
Re: Compulsive Cruiser now reclusive new
      #246488 - 07/10/09 06:04 AM

Hi just wanted to say I know how you feel. I,too, was a compulsive criuser. I was closeted until I was 17. We all have past demons and wish we could change the past. But know that God forgives.

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