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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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Reged: 05/12/09
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Anger, the truth, and self-esteem...
      #245726 - 05/12/09 12:42 AM

Some of the things that have been on my mind is, after 13 years of not finding anyone, I am likely going to spend what's left of my life alone, at 34. To me, having come out at 14, this is not at all what I had in mind. This is about as opposite as it gets. There is tremendous anger in all of these feelings of things I missed out on, things I am missing out on right now, how hard I tried to 'get involved' and nothing ever came of it, the rudeness and rejection I felt/feel from the so-called gay community, the same people I couldn't wait to move to all these different cities only to discover that unless you look like this, have this much money, have a masters degree, have a new car, etc., they want nothing to do with you, I found that whole scene sickening. I had to get out. Now I live in a place where there are no gay people besides drug addicts and people who are spiritually ruined; once again, people I need to stay away from. They're here because they have nothing and can't afford to go anywhere else. Their addictions keep them in a place with other addicts who are fine living in a place that will always provide them with drugs, free meals, shelters, etc...and that's not my deal at all.

So I go through my working out, I check out everything online, I try to get to know other gay people who are always 1500 miles away but at this point I am so broke I am just lucky I can live at home (and for the first time I am receiving overdraft notices from the bank...never in my life have I been in this kind of financial situation). It angers me to read so much about gay marriage when so many other gay issues that affect not only HIV+ single gay men but single gay mens' health in general, whether it's mental/emotional, homelessness, loss of a job and thus loss of health insurance, those who didn't 'succeed' and find white collar jobs who are alone and just hoping they don't get fired tomorrow - where's our voice? It's upsetting that our supposed 'advocates' are only interested in supporting gay issues that put us at par with straight people rather than telling the truth about the other 80% of the gay community who is alone, who are not finding anyone even for dating; some wondering if they will have a place to live and a job in six months...what's happened to us? Why have we suddenly got this need to prove to everyone that we are too affluent and elite to be seen around gay people who are alone or don't have much money? Are the only gay people worth anything the ones who are looking to get married, have their doctorate, or 'can do something for you'?

Anyone else feel this way?

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Reged: 05/29/07
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Re: Anger, the truth, and self-esteem... new
      #245746 - 05/13/09 12:56 PM

I hear you. But really there is more diversity then you would think. Have you ever gone to a "bear" gathering or "leather" gathering? Also if you enter the gay scene from another way...say join gay soccer or swimming or a gay band or become politically active, then you'll meet people this way. You saying that you will spend your life alone will make it happen. You need to get out and believe in yourself and totally change your attitude. Consider therapy. Your viewpoint is very negative. Yes, the gay scene can be amazingly shallow. But you can find a place, you just need to become a happier person and figure out who you are and find peace with yourself. Just a thought...I went through similar struggles long ago.

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Reged: 04/28/09
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Loc: NY, NY
Re: Anger, the truth, and self-esteem... new
      #245781 - 05/15/09 04:46 PM

Hang in there buddy! things will get better, you seem like a really thoughtful person, and I think you probabally have a lot to offer, so don't give up!

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Reged: 06/15/05
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Loc: SW Missouri
Re: Anger, the truth, and self-esteem... new
      #245834 - 05/19/09 05:25 PM

I can totally relate to what you're feeling, please know that you are not alone in them. I have been living with HIV for 23 years now and still the thing that angers me most is the reaction of the gay community. People who are HIV+ are treated as second class homo's while at the same time, those people could just as easily be in our situation. In fact, many of them probably are, but they do not get tested, so how would they know? People who are long term survivors should be celebrated, congratulated and maybe even praised for simply surviving. That's Huge!! However focusing on that accomplishment is impossible because we are made to feel like 2nd class queers. Whats up with that? All of the attention being given to gay marriage makes me sick because the entire debate came as a result of people dying of AIDS related conditions. People were dying so fast that they did not have time to get their legal affairs in order and so as a result, surviving partners were being left out of things they were entitled to. We learned that all it takes is a few legal documents to ensure that surviving partners have all of the rights as a heterosexual in the same situation. But the non infected gay population pounced on this opportunity to bring their marriage agenda to the forefront. FYI, although I agree that anyone who wants to get married should have the right do to so, but I can't understand why anyone (straight or gay) would want to get married. The institution of marriage is broken and the government needs to get out of the marriage business. People are murdering their spouses as oppossed to going through a costly divorce and we hear these stories every day which is why I feel the government needs to get out of the business of marriage. I apologize for digressing, but I wanted you to know that someone out here in cyberland hears you! Dont give up on Love . . . it will happen! Focus on your accomplishments, do what makes you happy and keep singing your song . . . one day someone will join in!

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Reged: 05/27/09
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Re: Anger, the truth, and self-esteem... new
      #245887 - 05/27/09 07:19 PM

WOW, that was or rather is a powerful and angry piece of literary work. I can however, agree with and empathize with a good deal of it. I just recently found myself positive (4/01 kept waiting for them to say April fool's) and have had some of those same thoughts. My initial response was, "Oh my god I am never going to have sex again and I will die alone." This was of course just 20 min. after finding out. Much like you my experiences in the gay community left me with a bad taste in my mouth (no pun intended). I honestly after years of searching and trying to find not only a partner, but that community I kept hearing about resulted in my finding that I felt like I was in high school all over again.
Having said all that...I do believe even just a few weeks past that not only will I find someone to share a life with, but that yes while the community is flawed at least there is one. I try and think back to perhaps men just even ten to twenty years older than us whom had no where to go, no outlet, who had to hide their feelings themselves from the rest of world. it makes me happy and proud to be out. I am and you are one of many who are helping to make it better for everyone who comes behind. Even those pompous, self-absorbed, body sculpting, degree holding, investment loving, super gay success' are part of that. We all are.
The other thing that comes to mind is demographically, we are just a microcosm of the larger population. People are people gay or straight. We teach our children that the norm is to want be pretty, rich, successful, powerful and all the other trappings. In fact we reward it. We also teach that essentially people choose to be poor. This is America, the land of opportunity. Why would anyone choose to live like that.
One of the things I am painfully aware of is that money makes the world go round. If that means for our cause (humanity) to continue to grow in acceptance that the wealthy and pretty gays pave the way than so be it. By all means use that money, influence and what ever else you have to for me and others to have equal rights, be protected, and have a voice.
By the by I just recently lost my job too and may be looking at having to move in with my parents. You are beautiful no matter what they say!

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