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britishguy78
Newbie

Reged: 01/02/09
Posts: 2
Loc: UK
Rejection's tough...
      #243703 - 01/02/09 06:10 PM

Hey guys. New to this site today, and have been really impressed - it's great. I've been on meds for 6 years, diagnosed for 7 (after catching HIV from precum from oral sex, having never swallowed and never had anal sex), and have generally been really optimistic due to great family and friends. But at the moment I'm feeling totally gutted. I came out of a relationship about 6 months ago, and since then have not been able to successfully run the dating gauntlet. Guys seem to appreciate me telling them my status before sleeping with them, but then either freeze completely, or do it once and, having reflected, cannot do it again. It could be that I am a total trog (!), but they, up to the point of disclosure, have often said I am 'gorgeous, handsome, amazing kisser' etc., and have openly admitted that they are simply having trouble getting their head round the diagnosis. These guys are all in their late 20s and early 30s and have said they know no-one else with HIV. Possibly I am telling them too early, but I am really scared of doing anything with them involving sex before I have disclosed, then having them worry about whether they caught it (despite always being safe) and being cross with me for not telling them earlier. How do you guys handle it? I know the ideal would be to get to know each other for several weeks, make an emotional bond, then deal with the disclosure before getting physical, but is that really workable in the gay dating world? I'd love to think it is, so please tell me some good examples of when that has worked for you!

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hopefulone
Master

Reged: 12/05/08
Posts: 130
Loc: NY, NY
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243708 - 01/03/09 08:47 AM

i am still at the point where i feel i cannot have sex at all....

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Btony
Regular

Reged: 11/15/08
Posts: 25
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243709 - 01/03/09 09:17 AM

I understand fully on what you are saying. When I was dating, I found that when I disclosed my status they just ran off. All I can say is to keep trying. I finally started dating someone in the same boat (merely by chance) and now it has been over 11 years since we have been together. Just do not give up.

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billyjames
Newbie

Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 3
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243766 - 01/08/09 03:26 AM

I know what you're feeling, but it's important not to get down on yourself ("gutted"). There are plenty of people around who'll do that for you. Enjoy your life, stay active and honest, perhaps get into some kind of "helping" activity if that would suit you. Don't think about it too much. Remember what Auntie Mame said?!?

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sa2968
Newbie

Reged: 01/08/09
Posts: 1
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243767 - 01/08/09 05:27 AM

Unfortunately, this is the reason I completely stopped dating. Instead I am working on developing some great, lifelong friendships. When, and if, I start dating again, I will probably try and only date other positive men.

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Gazzbro
Newbie

Reged: 01/08/09
Posts: 1
Loc: London, UK
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243768 - 01/08/09 08:21 AM

I hear what you're saying loud and clear! My experience has been that the more comfortable I was with my status and the more I talked about it to prospective partners, the better the response I got.
I've been HIV+ 19 years now, so have had plenty of practice, but you're right in that many people either don't talk about it, or think they know no-one else who is HIV+.
Through trial and error I moved to the point of always disclosing upfront, before any sexual activity had taken place, as it was just the easiest way of dealing with it. If you have a good level of knowledge about HIV and the possibility of its transmission, then it really helps in explaining things to others who don't have good information on the subject. This also has the effect of making them more comfortable about it. And if in the end they're just not comfortable, find someone who is - there are plenty of guys out there who are either HIV- and well-informed, or HIV+ and looking for love!

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jgoldstein
Newbie

Reged: 08/23/06
Posts: 1
Loc: Newark, NJ
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243773 - 01/08/09 01:20 PM

I am feeling exactly the same way. I have taken on HIV challenges one by one. 5 years of diarrhea from meds ended recently when I switched to Isentress. I seem to have my depression under control...better living through drugs! Recently, I got back into an exercise routine and have lost 30 pounds.

Three of four times in the last two months guys have seemed to lose interest when I disclosed my status. So this is the next barrier for me to figure out.

I much appreciate those of you who are sharing your experiences. I am an old dog, but I hope not too old to learn some new tricks.

John
Milwaukee

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BrokenWingedBird
Expert

Reged: 11/30/04
Posts: 113
Loc: United Kingdom.
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243774 - 01/08/09 01:27 PM

Hi.

My advice is this. There are SO many guys out there with HIV, and having HIV is such a big deal for us, why not stick to dating HIV guys? There are chatrooms for guys who are HIV and I have found them FULL of guys. There's plenty of choice for you among them, I reckon. Why go putting yourself through murder by falling for HIV- guys? HIV+ guys are obviously going to be totally understanding.

Good Luck.
BWB (also British).


--------------------
Without a dream, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. Keep hold of your dreams.

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endymionspilos
Newbie

Reged: 01/08/09
Posts: 3
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243777 - 01/08/09 01:41 PM

Hey Bro! I know the feeling for sure dude. When I was visiting a good friend of mine who had learned he was positive just a year or two before I, we went to a social support group together that he was going to. First thing I have to say is that it really a great idea to do so... and see others who r on the same boat as you and I... and just have a good time together... But one thing that they taught me in regards to being pozzzz and dating is that it's only as big of a deal as you make it! I dont make it a big deal when I disclose. Be confident. Be healthy. Look healthy. Act healthy. With this approach I've actually found that most guys have been understanding. Since I have tested pos I have had three boyfriends who have been negative, and most of the dudes have been with have been understanding and caring about it. Including my current boyfriend who is also negative. I also believe that everyone is responsible for themselves. Meaning I don't feel responsible for telling them before we kiss or jerk off together if they dont ask. Though I avoid doing anything risky without having disclosed.

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RayNGrant
Member

Reged: 12/12/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Minnesota
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243783 - 01/08/09 04:16 PM

I am an HIV- guy, and I currently have friends and playmates (and have had a boyfriend) that are POZ.
My take on it is the following:

it is CRUCIAL that you disclose before ANYTHING starts. Waiting until there is an emotional bond (even still before there is any sex) to disclose still risks a nasty reaction. There are many who will feel "betrayed" to disclose your status after there's been an emotional bond started. For a lot of these men, being POZ is a significant deal-breaker - right/wrong/indifferent. That's the reality.

There are still a LOT of ignorant and misinformed men out there who will react negatively if you don't disclose from the start. It's best to weed those kind of guys from the very start than to set yourself up for disappointment.

And a guy also being POZ does NOT necessarily mean he's going to be any more at ease with your status - ESPECIALLY if HE himself has not come to terms with his status.

I certainly agree that the more at ease YOU are with your status, the better.

2 things that have not worked so well from my perspective as an HIV- guy involved with a POZ guy::

1. Not disclosing until AFTER there has been sex.
2. Doing an ad-hoc over-the-top HIV/AIDS education campaign (coming off as the psycho Safe-Sex Educator relentlessly pounding away the message of Safer-Sex until nothing else can be discussed...)

When the time comes that sex is going to happen, feel free to ask and discuss with the guy what he is comfortable with doing as well as state what you're comfortable doing sexually.

My 10 cents...

Ray


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aussiepoz
Newbie

Reged: 01/09/09
Posts: 2
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243795 - 01/09/09 05:53 AM

hey mate i can understand where your comming from, i am hiv positive, and my so called best friend found out at xmas 08 that i am hiv positive, after asking him to leave me alone for a bit, an argument followed, he then proceeded to call my 63 yo moum in the middle of the night 1.30am, and tell her that her son is hiv positive... i dont feel bad for the following i asked him to move from my home, i then contacted him asking why, he sent "his life story", blaming his up-bringing, and alike for reacting the way he did... long and short he now has taken an intervention order out against me, which will now cost me financily to fight, he has broken the close bond i had with my family, i already have feelings of unworthyness, feeling dirty, and just basicly wanting to die... but now i cant understand why it will now cost me to fight this order to clear my name, save my crimanal record from having it marked against me (which will cost me my hjob)... long and short i dont trust anyone now... so i understand rejection from hiv neg guys but i also understand being hiv positive is a life sentence that i have to live with... can only hope its not that long i guess..

all the best in your delema...

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bubbleboy
Newbie

Reged: 01/15/09
Posts: 2
Loc: California
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243878 - 01/15/09 04:07 AM

Read some really great replys here. After being out of an 11 year relationship 3 years ago in December dating has been an absolute nightmare for me. Not into immediate discloser but also not into letting things progress before disclosure because as someone else said that is just a deal breaker. So I decided that if I want to date it will have to be with another POZ. I have had friends say that people are way more educated today and its not a big deal, well thats easy to say when you are negative. It has been a struggle for me as well but I am trying to work my way out of and around it. Having it on the table up front just seems like an easier way to go about it. Wasnt even remotely interested in dating/sex since my split until the last few months but one has to eventually move on. Wish you the best! And thanks for everyones reply! It helped me out too!

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personpitch
Newbie

Reged: 08/18/08
Posts: 6
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #243918 - 01/17/09 07:26 PM

I'm still really knew to this, so maybe this is wrong, maybe it's a bit manipulative, but basically I've tried to keep living my life as normally as possible, being sociable, going out, but still keeping my status known only amongst a few friends.

As it tends to happen some one gets interested in me, and my immediate reaction is to just be like "well, I'm only looking for friends at the moment." Some guys read this like I'm playing hard to get, but pretty much I just move forward like we're going to be friends. If they're a bit more aggressive in trying to make it more, I disclose. This has only happened twice, and one I never heard from again , and one's become a semigood buddy.

But hopefully, no one feels betrayed, I'm not too emotionally invested, and maybe one day it'll work out. I know eventually I'll be really attracted to one of these guys and I'll be heartbroken, but this is how I'm dealing with it now. Make emotional bonds with no pretense of a physical relationship, and maybe after that eventually something more will grow out of it.

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Jude
Newbie

Reged: 03/23/09
Posts: 9
Re: Rejection's tough... new
      #245184 - 03/30/09 02:34 PM

I am HIV negative and I am facing a complex dilemma over this issue. See http://www.thebody.com/cgi-bin/bbs/showthreaded.php?Cat=&Board=living&Number=245094&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=1

In my mind, his lack of disclosure killed my chance for a relationship with someone I began to see as a true soul mate, and I don't use that term frequently.

Tell the people you date. Tell them soon and do it for yourself. I don't see how anyone could develop an emotional connection with anyone while holding such a secret.

There are many nice, caring, attractive men like myself out there who would be open to a relationship with somebody HIV+.

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