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Reged: 11/20/07
Posts: 5
Put Somebody At Risk & Feel Horrible
      #233747 - 11/20/07 03:03 AM


This is the first time I'm posting on this web-site. I feel horrible inside and need advice.

I am a gay male, 28 years old and have been HIV + for three years and have been off the dating scene since I was diagnosed - I rarely went out on any dates and did not have much sexual interaction other than a few one night stands.

Two weekends ago I went to go visit a friend in Florida. While there, I ended up meeting a guy that I really connected with and went home with him on that Saturday night after being out at a bar. We had unprotected sex (he was the top, I was the bottom)...he did not question my status and I did not disclose. On Sunday night I spent the night again at his place and we had unprotected sex again (he was the top, I was the bottom). We never discussed status that night either.

On Monday I left Florida and the guy that I met and I exchanged numbers and discussed the possibility of meeting up again soon. While I was in the airport, waiting to leave Florida back home to NYC, I received a text message from him that said "I know it's a little late but we didn't use condoms and didn't talk about status...I am neg" I responded to his text by saying "It's okay, I am neg too" which is quite possibly the worst lie I have ever told to anybody. I do not know why I responded that I was negative, I am so ashamed of myself that I not only lied but also put him at risk.

I am back in NYC and we've been chatting almost every day since I left Florida. I still have not disclosed my positive status. He is actually coming up to visit me in NYC for 3 days the second weekend in December so that we can have some "quality" time together getting to know each other better. I know that I have to tell him the truth when he gets here but I'm so afraid of how he's going to react. Not only did I put him at risk but I lied abouit my status when I was asked the question.

Part of me wants to tell him now, before he makes the trip up to NYC, but another part of me wants to wait until he gets here so that we can have the conversation in person.

Please let me know your thoughts on this situation. I am truly sick just thinking about my lie and the fact that I put soomebody at risk of contracting the virus. Even worse, this is the first guy who I've had very strong feelings for in a very long time and the feel of rejection from him would quite possible crush me.

Thanks to all for your advice.

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Reged: 09/06/07
Posts: 164
Loc: London, UK
Re: Put Somebody At Risk & Feel Horrible new
      #233750 - 11/20/07 08:11 AM

Given that you are probably torturing yourself already and that it is far too late to be thinking about PEP, I am going to try to avoid touching on any moral judgment of what is in the past.

Now call me a cynic, but I am always somewhat dubious of any man who so willingly engages in unprotected sex with another man .. but for whom HIV only crops up as an afterthought two days later. My immediate suspicion would be that this isn’t the first time he has done it and that “I am neg” probably means “I don’t know that I am positive”. It might mean the same thing to him, but he would be very wrong.

In that context, any additional risk that you have put him at is probably quite small in relation to the cumulative risk I he has already put himself at.

Then again, I could be wrong and he could just be very naïve .. in which case your probably weren’t his first exposure either.

Nonetheless, I do think you owe it to him (and anyone else he might be meeting and having sex with in the meantime) to tell him something (not necessarily the whole truth) that lets him know about his exposure to HIV.

You could tell him that you just took a test and tested positive.

You could say that you just assumed (as many would) that his failure to mention protection meant that he was poz too.

Even though what you have described doesn’t put him at the highest risk of exposure from you, I would urge you to find a way to tell him something now.

What happens if he doesn’t come to visit you in December? Do you just keep putting it off?

What happens if he decides not to come at all? Are you just not going to tell him? .. or just tell him you were saving it till he had travelled the length of the country to meet you?

IF he is going to reject you, then how will that rejection hurt the least? Telling him now, before you have met him again? .. or face-to-face and possibly in the midst of a blazing row?

I don’t know what the right answer is for you, but hopefully there is something there for you to think about.

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Reged: 10/10/07
Posts: 37
Re: Put Somebody At Risk & Feel Horrible new
      #233773 - 11/20/07 09:29 PM

Hi - I replied in the Living with HIV section.


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Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: Put Somebody At Risk & Feel Horrible new
      #233776 - 11/20/07 09:49 PM

If I were you I'd try to talk to him before he makes the trip.

6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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Reged: 11/20/07
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Re: Put Somebody At Risk & Feel Horrible new
      #233846 - 11/22/07 04:35 AM

Thanks very much for your posts....all this advice has really allowed me to clear my mind and gather my thoughts on exactly what I will be telling him.

I've decided I am going to disclose to him early next week, which is almost two full weeks prior to his visit to NYC. I will let you know how it goes.

Thanks again to everybody for your thoughtful posts and for your honest advice, it's nice to know that there are others going through similar situations as me...that I am not alone.

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Reged: 11/14/07
Posts: 5
Loc: New England .. MA
Re: Put Somebody At Risk & Feel Horrible new
      #233893 - 11/23/07 09:11 AM

Wow, i couldnt have said this any better... I totally agree.

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Reged: 10/31/07
Posts: 20
Loc: Midwest USA
Re: Put Somebody At Risk & Feel Horrible new
      #234347 - 12/11/07 07:55 AM

Here's my "I Lied" story. I had sex with a stripper who waited till I had my condom covered dick inside him to ask me and I lied too. I told him a week later and he went ballistic but at least it was no longer eating me up inside. I wore a condom so I did my part in protecting him. If he had really wanted to know he should have asked before it got as far as it did, but that didn't make ME feel any better about myself.

My point? Don't tell him for his sake. Tell him for your own sake. You obviously have a decent conscience and you should strive very hard to keep it! If you ever want to be able to feel good about yourself again, doing the honorable thing and telling him is the only way to get back your own self respect.

Even though we tell ourselves, "Well he should have asked first" in order to justify our lies, we only hurt ourselves more than the other person by killing our own consciences.

MatrixWorkz 3D Freebies

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Reged: 11/16/07
Posts: 35
Loc: Tampa, FL
Re: Put Somebody At Risk & Feel Horrible new
      #234608 - 12/23/07 07:10 AM

Indeed that is much to bear. I concur with Vokz advice. I can't say I have been in the exact situation. But when I had a b/f (knew of my status) there were moments I felt guilty I put him in possible risky behavior. It's all "spilled milk" right? What's important is that you are trying to resolve the issue, moreover will recall this in the future. Best of wishes~

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