My Mixed Status Relationship - TheBody.com's Bulletin Boards

DJ,

I wont comment on your workplace situation - which is, I think, quite self-explanatory.

It is unfortunate that your boyfriend chose to express his frustration as he did, but I think it is an important reminder to all of us about just how frustrating it can be for the partners of those who are recently diagnosed with HIV; when they feel that they are being pushed away and rejected .. especially as they probably also feel that, by standing by us, they are giving us support that many wouldn’t.

It is unfortunately a fact that our partners very often end up feeling even more isolated than we do. They don’t have anyone to talk to and we are bottling things up.

When you say that he wants to continue as before. Do you mean that he still wants unprotected sex? .. or just that he wants the sexual relationship to continue?

If it is the first of those scenarios; then you have to make him understand both how relieved you are that you haven’t infected him .. and how it would destroy you if, having come this far, ignoring the risks and the need for precautions resulted in him becoming infected.

If it is just the second of those scenarios, then I urge you to find a way of communicating to him that your feelings for him haven’t changed .. and that the problem relate to your fear of causing harm to someone you care for.

With regard to not having infected him during three years of unprotected sex, your doctor is absolutely right and this really isn’t at all unusual when the infected partner has a low viral load (in fact I was in a similar situation with a viral load of 19,000 – except that my partner just falsely assumed that he was infected and was too scared to get tested, so it took him almost a year and no end of strain on our relationship for him to find out that he wasn’t infected).

DO NOT allow yourself to fall into the trap where you think that his not being infected is such an anomaly that his negative result must be a mistake.

Assuming that you take precautions, you mustn’t put yourself in the situation where you are assuming all the responsibility for protecting your partner. You simply have to move beyond that point and, if necessary, try to access some form of counselling to help you do that.

By all means ensure that your partner understand the risks – and provided you use a condom and use it properly, you really are reducing the risks of to negligible levels – and make sure he knows about PEP and how to access it. Sit down together and work out in advance what you will do if there is a mishap.

What the risks associated with oral sex are is open to hot debate .. so if you still worry about that, give him the worst possible scenario and let him decide if he wants to do that with protection. That worst possible scenario is that as many of 5% of HIV infections may be transmitted through oral sex (with the partner being penetrated being the partner at risk). Good oral health will reduce that risk significantly .. or you can use a condom for that too if you both decide the risk is too great (I haven’t yet gotten past being able to dispense with protection for anyone performing oral sex on me).

The point is that provided he knows and understands the risks, then it is a shared responsibility, and not yours alone. He is the one at risk and he is obviously willing to accept his part in that responsibility. In a healthy relationship you simply can not make all those decisions and expect him to accept them.

The fear of sex after diagnosis is nothing unusual – in fact, it would be miraculous if your didn’t feel it – but understand that for many people the intimacy of sex is the most tangible expression of closeness, affection and passion .. and, denied that, our partners almost certainly will feel rejected and unloved, so we have to actively do something to address both our own fears and their feelings of being rejected.

I know it is easier said than done, but try to take your life off hold and move forward .. and try not to resent him his understandable frustration. Don’t assume that he understands everything that is going on in your head and that he still knows how much you still care for him .. or even that your reluctance to have sex is a sign of the fact that you do care.

Guilt and shame are two of the most pointless and destructive emotions at a time like this. Sit down with him, talk about it and work together to find a way for you both to move forward TOGETHER.

Good luck.

Post Extras: Remind Me!