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Nathan
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Reged: 09/15/07
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Posts: 32
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Loc: LA
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New city, New job, New HIV status...too much.
#231021 - 09/17/07 03:25 AM
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Okay,
So... I am 4 days into knowing I am positive, 5 months in a new part of the country and obviously in a new job.
I have made a couple of friends, feeling things out in a new city, trying to plant roots and to start a new chapter...
Well... Didn't expect my newest chapter to start with such conflict.
I am for the most part feeling alone, confused and definitely in denial. The world is spinning past me. I am supposed to be in my prime... 31 yrs old, fit, good looking, intelligent and finally getting ahead financially.... THIS is not what I am "supposed" to be dealing with.... . I have reached out to 2 friends... both have been incredibly supportive. I have taken off some time from work, and I get the "other blood work back next friday".... I know there is a possibility of me not having to go on meds right a way, but I am completely ignorant as to what the numbers and the tests will actually mean. I am grateful for this website and the people on it.
Everyone's honesty is powerful and I am encouraged by everyones strength. But I am not confident yet, that I am that strong. I am terrified.
This may not be the chapter that "I would have written", but is the one that I am in the midst of. I do have control over how I handle the information given to me, I just hope I can overcome my fears and move forward and keep my hope and faith that I will be okay.
I would love to meet with people in my area that are going through the same thing, so if you are young and recently diagnosed, please say hi.
P.S. If anyone has any reading material that is good for "beginners"... I would really appreciate it.
gratefully,
me
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At the end of the day, we are measured by our actions, not our intentions.
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jadedsaint
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Newbie
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Reged: 09/17/07
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Posts: 1
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Loc: NYC
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Hey Nathan. I totally understand about "not what I planned." Go ahead & feel that for about 5 more seconds-- then let it go. You are being tested in more ways than one, and it's awesome that you're reaching out (even to strangers). That's a show of strength.
I'm looking for local support in my area (NYC) as well, but it's nice to start with a nationwide site like this one.
Can you look on the bright side yet? I can, and I've learned so much already. Let me know if you can see any positives in being positive.
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Nathan
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Regular
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Reged: 09/15/07
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Posts: 32
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Loc: LA
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Finding positive out of being positive...
I have definitely been thrown into a different position, in terms of how I need to look at things..
I need to relish the day, seize the moment, and really, really take care of myself. I have obsessed over things that don't really matter before, and it's time to stop, smell the roses and to learn to really love myself. (Corny, I know) but I am the poster child for the "Mr. Perfect facade, with a hidden low self esteem issues".... but who isn't, right?
I have always been independent, surviving on my own since I was 18, never taking a hand out, becoming very successful... and now I feel that I have severely failed myself.
I know in my head that it's not true, but convincing my heart to feel otherwise is going to be quite the shift of thinking on my part.
So much to process, to change and to learn.
I just need to get through this week, get back to work and get on the road to taking care of myself...
... sounds easy when I write it... but doing is going to be tough.
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At the end of the day, we are measured by our actions, not our intentions.
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Nathan I too am in aw of how you are dealing, keep it up guy, you will see the other side. D
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Nathan
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Regular
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Reged: 09/15/07
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Posts: 32
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Loc: LA
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D-
Thanks for your encouragment... again! :)
I am feeling I am not dealing well, but if you all say so, I'll take it.
Thanks to you, and EVERY SINGLE person who has EVER reached out to someone here or anywhere. It has been a life saver... really. I am in a new city, far from friends and family... and everyone here feels like family and you are just a mouse-click away.
Lots of love! :)
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At the end of the day, we are measured by our actions, not our intentions.
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haiau1
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Reged: 09/25/07
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Dear Nathan,
I share your concerns and feelings. My world went topsy turvy in January. One step I took which was of tremendous help to me: I found someone in my line of work who is HIV+, he helped me see the challenges ahead: both personally and professionally. I also enlisted the help of a life coach to assist me on a weekly basis. New doctor, new city, new job, and a new YOU... this is a lot to manage. namaste.
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Nathan
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Regular
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Reged: 09/15/07
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Posts: 32
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Loc: LA
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Thanks for your words and suggestions...
This has been a great source of support and inspiration.
Thank you.
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At the end of the day, we are measured by our actions, not our intentions.
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MRoss
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Reged: 02/10/07
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Posts: 9
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Loc: PA. U.S.A.
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HI Nathan,
Hope I'm not too late in offering support guy :-). I always tear up when someone tests poz. The results are always life changing.
I thank you a HUGE BUNCH!! for your post, honest, sincerity, and integerity.... fine qualities.
Like you, and lot's of us. Denial is certainly a coping skill. Not necessarly the healthiest skill, but none the less a skill. I was 24 when I tested poz. and now pushing 50.. The only difference between then and today. Is today we have so much more available. Medications, Doctors who are willing to treat the individuals with the virus, and lots & lots of support serivces as well. Becoming active in "Our Community" getting involved, sharing with others our individual experience, strength, and hope, is a wonderful tool. If we have only one day coping with the virus, we have one more day then the individual who has just tested positive.
Your not alone, Nathan. Continue reaching out, others will continue to reach back too you. It's still a bumpy road for me from time to time. No one ever said life is easy, it's difficult. We simplly get better at coping with life's up's and down's.
Hang-in-their!! cause with all the horse s_ _ t, their has got to be a pony!!!
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M. Ross
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Nathan
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Regular
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Reged: 09/15/07
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Posts: 32
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Loc: LA
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Ross,
Thank you so much for your response and your encouragement and support.
Every single person on here has been so incredibly supportive and has shed a lot of light on my seemingly dark situation.
I am forever grateful.
Thank you.
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At the end of the day, we are measured by our actions, not our intentions.
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