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Reged: 03/05/07
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Falling for someone HIV positive...
      #225652 - 03/05/07 08:35 PM


This is my first time posting here. Well, I am 30-years-old and HIV negative. I always practice safer sex, with a low number of partners, and get tested regularly. Remaining negative is a really high priority for me.

Well, about one month ago I met this really wonderful guy. He's 42(but looks really good!), and I love everything about him. Well, two days ago we were making out and I thought we were, finally, going to have sex. Suddenly, before we started taking our clothes off, he disclosed that he was HIV positive. Needless to say I lost that loving feelin right then and there.

So we sorta got into a question and answer situation, and he was really good about being open and honest with me.

But, my issue is that I don't know how to be in a relationship with an HIV positive person. One, I'm scared of infection. I don't want to deal with the burden of the virus. I know that it isn't a death sentence, but I still don't want to be another statistic. Two, I can see myself spending my life with this person...What if he develops full blown AIDS and dies?
If he had told me earlier in the relationship admittedly I would have cut and ran...

But now I feel such an emotional connection to him. I really like this guy. I just don't know how to get over my fear of the virus.

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Reged: 01/12/06
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Loc: New York, NY
Re: Falling for someone HIV positive... new
      #225659 - 03/06/07 04:21 AM

You have chosen a difficult path to walk.

In a perfect world, it should NOT make any difference of course. But this world is not perfect and the fear is still justifiable and still real.

As for your line about "42 but looks REALLY Good" hey youngster, do you know that with a bit of effort and diet, exercise, and a good plastic surgeon, that gay men can go on looking "really good" well into their sixties or even later? You youth is showing! <grin> If you need to know how it's done - just wait until you're about 38 and you're freinds will show you the way! Mine did! <grin again>

Now that I got that one off my chest (and yes, it's a 46" well toned chest at that!) and to wax serious for a minute... love is very rare in this world of ours. Love between two men is hard to find and even harder to keep. Relationships take work - constant friggin work. I've been with the same guy for twenty years now and believe me we've bought more than one marriage counselor and a few therapists new jags or mercedes several times over the course of our two decades together? Why go to all the trouble? Because at the end of the day, the good vastly outweighs the bad. Because after twenty years I can walk into a room smile at him and see his eyes light up. Because I can touch his body in ways he never knew before and make him quiver as I begin to tell him what delights I have in mind for this evening (or maybe for right now - depending on how private a spot we're in at the moment!) And kiddo- he can do the same with and to me! Twenty years ago we were sero opposites. He turned poz after we'd been together for about two years. It nearly killed me and nearlly killed our marriage. I spent three years on the couch three times a week trying to deal with WHY? We weren't monogamous back then (we have been now for the last 12 years but back then we weren't ready to ignore the call of the wild... you're male, you know what I mean!) Today it's easier to be who and what we are and tthat's a male couple who work hard, live well, and adore each other for better or worse. What if he get sick and I go through loosing him? Yeah, what if? I'll be devastated of course, but I'll manage it. He'll do the same for me. That's what you commit to doing and then keep those commitments. This is for the rest of our lives - it's not some flash in the pan after two decades.

If you've found someone who's POZ and you love him, then get over your fear. It may take professional help to do so. But if you want to, you can manage it. Weigh the risky behavior and eliminate it as much as possible. Condoms do break (believe me I could write a book about that one!) and you may someday be unlucky enough to sero-convert. Deal with that when and if it should happen. But who knows... it may never happen. In the meantime don't turn your back on someone you love and who apparently feels the same way about you, also, because of hthis damned virus.

If you allow that to happen - then it has won and your life is going to believed in fear and with a lot of regreats about what might have been...

Think about it

All the best,


Mark in NYC

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Reged: 03/08/07
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Re: Falling for someone HIV positive... new
      #225722 - 03/08/07 03:49 AM

Dear Pan,
I understand what you're going through. I am a 37 year old negative gay male and have been in a relationship with three different HIV positive guys. I am currently seeing a HIV positive guy and am enjoying my time with him. He asked me when we first started seeing each other why I was willing to date someone who was positive and I told him that his status did not define him. Its about his personality, his spirit, his energy...that is what defines him.
But when I first began dating a guy who was positive in 1992, I had to educate myself on HIV so I could feel comfortable about risk factors and learn what places myself at risk. In the process of learning about HIV, I became an HIV educator and have been working in the field of HIV education and research ever since. Once I understood the basics, I knew that there are ways to protect myself and enjoy our intimacy. Now, I wish I could say that all the relationships I had with the positive guys in my life worked out, but like most relationships, they didn't. But it had nothing to do with HIV but more with where we were in our lives and how we treated each other. But HIV, like diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure, migranes, etc are a part of life and can be dealt with.
So often I hear guys talking about the future, but truthfully, none of us are promised tomorrow and I think too much concern is placed on what might happen ten or fifteen years down the line rather than enjoying the present and appreciating the special person that is across from us. I mean there are so much more medical options out now that 10 years ago, so no one knows what the future holds.
I wouldn't trade the time I'm having right now with the special guy in my life for anything. He's a part of my life right now and I am grateful for the time we spend together. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide and educate yourself on HIV so that whatever your decision you are making as educated a decision as possible. Good luck to you.

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Reged: 04/25/07
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Re: Falling for someone HIV positive... new
      #226822 - 04/25/07 08:04 PM

I understand your views.
If there is something between the both of you, I would pursue it and have clear communication on your part to him as well as he to you. Make sure there is a understanding that you may decide it won't work.
But I would give it a try.
Have guidelines for sex of what you will and will not do, maybe he already has that? Once the relationship matures things evolve to a more trusting nature and guidelines change.
I'm sure you're reading some on HIV to get up to date with where medical science is regarding treatment.
HIV isn't Diabetes and though treatable it is still must be considered a terminal illness at this date. There are other threads that discuss this.
As a guy with HIV I want to tell you there are 2 sides to this problem and I bet your guy consider's the exact dilemma with you on the other side of the fence. It's not easy being HIV and meeting someone who you like and wondering when to tell them for fear of them running away.
Let me also tell you that the fear of falling in love with someone and then maybe having to deal with a painful death is a reality regardless of HIV. Yeah the odds are higher with a person with HIV but there is a entire world of disease & other terrible things that will take eveyone out at one point, we do not choose.
A month ago I lost my lover of 12 years in a very vivid and horrible painful death due to liver cancer. I cannot descirbe the pain I'm still going through and it was compareable if not worse than many HIV/AIDS deaths I have regrettably had the misfortune of seeing including 4 last year. There is nothing that can prepare one for any type of disease and age hasn't a thing to do with it.
Now back to dating I'm worried as you (but in the opposite) aboutgoing out with non-HIV guys. But I met one Sunday at a T-dance and maybe after 5 minutes of him flirting with me I just told him. I felt like if it mattered this was the best time to find out prior to a kiss or feelings, perhaps youg guy felt it was right to tell you bedside but I bet he wanted to earlier just nervous.
I'm not sure what I'm doing and I'm sure the guy I met last Sunday isn't sure either but at least I got a date and if things are not to be for further dating then I understand. Think about your options and I disagree with being afraid of a condom breaking as posted above. Sure condoms break but rubber tires blow out on cars or trucks with killing results yet the occurance isn't enough to stop us from driving even if you have seen the aftermath of a accident caused by a blown out tire. Decide your risk accpectance, as you do with many other things in your life but a loving person is a rare find and likely the risk though seemingly more may be in fact less than others.
I will end by saying I was swinging on a hammock today with broken cords and I knew it was nearly time for all the cords to break yet I swung on it anyway. The cords did all break and I fell back on the top of my head and heard snapping things in my neck and back. I thought for sure I had broken my back/neck & was lucky to come away with just a sore neck. Had a guy who cared for me been there with HIV or not I'm sure he would have made sure I didn't sit my stupid ass on the hammock in the first place,

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Reged: 06/01/07
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Re: Falling for someone HIV positive... new
      #227512 - 06/01/07 06:40 AM

I have not been into this site since I lived in Japan (I am not Japanese) and I was diagnosed there with HIV about 11 years ago.

Tonight I decided to check things out here and came across what you had written and wanted to share something with you.

I came to America on a vacation and met and amazing guy, who was HIV negative.

We continued to see each other and after 2 years of endless phone calls and back and forward trips to Japan and the USA, we finally decided for me to move to America (without work visa or greencard) so that we could continue to grow as a couple and move further forward with our life together.

I loved this guy and it was the right thing to do. I knew that. He wanted to be with me as much as I with him, and so, after much deliberation, the decision was made and America seemed like the right place to be.

We lived together and I worked for his small construction company. It wasn't always easy in those first few months, but things seemed to even out with some good communication.

Then, one horrible fateful night, he was driving home and his truck somehow caught the side of a freeway overpass, and crashed to the other freeway below. He died instantly, the night before my birthday.

He never made it home.

After only 9 months of being here with him I realized that again, I was on my own.I never in a million years would have seen this coming nor mapped it out for my future. Me, the HIV+ one. The one who thought I would be first to go and had pondered this fact countless times, was now dealing with my HIV negative partner having being killed in a car crash. What a slap in the face.

I guess I wanted to share this with you from another perspective and at least maybe help you see how short and how precious life is. It's cliche, but it's true. Allow this person into your life, you just don't know how long YOU have !

Often there is no choice to loving someone. It just happens.
I've often asked myself why this happened and why 8 years ago this month, a 36 year old guy that I fell in love with and gave up another life to be with, would be taken so quickly and I would be left behind ( I decided to stay home that evening).

I know the answer now..... so that I would stop thinking I had some death sentence, stop thinking that I would be the first to die if I were in a relationship......... and get on with living and continue to love as I just had.

Give the guy a chance if you think you love him. Don't let his HIV status put a wall up in front of the really important things.. like the things that make for the amazing person he is.

I am so glad the person I had, knew he was loved in that final second of life here. I think you might look beyond all the questions and anxiety, and realize how great it could be to be loved by this guy, HIV+ or not....

Take Care.

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