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jmejst
Newbie

Reged: 05/24/06
Posts: 3
Loc: Dallas, TX
Mixed status relationship
      #193014 - 05/24/06 10:32 PM

Is there anyone else out there in a serodiscordant relationship? I have been in one for about a year now and really would like someone to talk to about issues that come up. Thanks!

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #193055 - 05/25/06 08:16 AM

Hi
What issues are they? If you want people here to share with you their stories and give you support....whether in serodiscordant relationships or not... talk to us.

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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ScotCharles
Legend

Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 924
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #193068 - 05/25/06 10:21 AM

I've been in one for 25 years and HIV+ for 21 of those years. Even though I hate the word "seriodiscordant", I can offer some insight. What are your issues? Sex can still be fun, if you are careful and creative. Let's parlay.

--------------------
Life is a river.
Carpe diem.

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esquire
Regular

Reged: 05/29/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Washington, DC Metropolitan Area
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #193169 - 05/25/06 05:35 PM

Add me to the "me too" list...

--------------------
Esq.

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DanielMark
Expert

Reged: 06/06/04
Posts: 120
Loc: Ottawa Canada
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #193430 - 05/27/06 05:51 PM

Hey there,

I've been seeing someone Neg for over two years now.

At first, he was a bit freaked about my status, but a little basic discussion solved that problem. We have grown past the being in love stage and now love and respect each other deeply, including each our boundaries.

It doesn't need to be all that complicated, really, if you are both mature enought to handle life as it happens. I find that open communication can solve nearly any problem.

BTW, I was also in a 10 year relationship with another Neggie up till 2001.

Been Poz since 1987 myself.

Daniel

--------------------
Follow your honest heart

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kyamberu
Newbie

Reged: 06/01/06
Posts: 1
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #193934 - 06/01/06 08:44 AM

Please include me in this discussion. I'm neg, he's poz and we've struggled with this for 6 months...

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Brucesrq
Unregistered

Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #193969 - 06/01/06 12:55 PM

My partner and I have been in a discordant relationship for 3.5 yrs now with no measurable problems! I have to admit as the POZ partner I shoulder a greater part of the realities of HIV should my other half sero convert. We usually pratice safe sex (condoms) but have had that moment of unbridaled passion and nixed them. He continues to test neg. however.

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #194010 - 06/01/06 09:06 PM

just because your zerodisconboobulated means really nothing. I have The same issues with my partner that you do in as far as the sex stuff. I see no difference at all! Support of your partner is no different than my support of my pos husband. Tell me the difference. Educate me. TO ME ITS JUST ANOTHER FUCKING LABEL..



Edited by EricCO (06/01/06 09:20 PM)

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esquire
Regular

Reged: 05/29/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Washington, DC Metropolitan Area
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #194181 - 06/02/06 05:42 PM

There are probably some psych factors that come into play that a poz-poz relationship doesn't have, such as the fear of one person of contracting the disease and the other's fear of giving it to the neg person whom they love. And despite the "supportiveness" of the partner, I don't think the neg partner could fully understand the disease, the meds and the side effects in the same way as a person who constantly fights with all of the above within his/her own body. And if one became poz while the 2 were in a relationship, serious trust issues can arise in the relationship as well. Add to it the extreme stigma that still, unfortunately, surrounds HIV in much of the neg world, and I think the poz-neg relationship probably has to overcome some higher, and different, hurdles than a poz-poz or neg-neg relationship.

So I think there probably is a difference, or several, and to label a difference isn't necessarily a bad thing. If it were, I wouldn't think that our friends at "The Body" would have set up an Experts forum that specifically addresses Mixed-Status couples.

--------------------
Esq.

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jmejst
Newbie

Reged: 05/24/06
Posts: 3
Loc: Dallas, TX
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #194399 - 06/03/06 10:17 PM

I understand that we should be safe wether we know each other's status or not, but I do feel/see some complications that I wouldn't if we were both neg. Because I am poz sex is difficult. maybe we just haven't gotten completely used to it yet, I don't know, but it feels like we can only think about the HIV when we start to go down that road. We rarely have sex because of that. I do not feel as attractive as I used to because we don't engage in sexual activity often. When we do I don't let myself cum very often either for fear of one of those 1 in a million chances it would end up somewhere that could infect him. I worry about infecting him all teh time, and I know he worries about me poosibly infecting him or what life will be like 20 years down the road if I was to get sick. Yes, every relationship has issues. Yes, if you are open and communicate you mostly likely can work through those issues.

I made the post to discuss the few issues that ARE fairly specific to a POZ/NEG relationship. I appreciate any help or suggestions, stories of succes or failure even, but I don't want the thread to become us going back and forth telling each other that our issues aren't real or valid.

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jmejst
Newbie

Reged: 05/24/06
Posts: 3
Loc: Dallas, TX
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #194400 - 06/03/06 10:27 PM

I guess some issues that come up are more individual. He has his as the neg partner and I have mine as the poz. I worry that eventually he will realize he doesnt want to risk getting infected and will leave. Eventhough we are very very safe, I still worry about possibly infecting him. I worry about what his family will say if they ever find out. But the sex - or lack of - is one of the biggest issues. Eventhough I know we don't do it much because we want to be safe, we've even made a rule that we won't do anything if we are intoxicated because we possibly won't notice something we would have if we were sober. Anyway, because of the lack of sex, I still feel like maybe he's not attracted to me as much, or maybe we will go seek a neg person to have sex with without me knowing. Another issue he has is he fears condoms breaking. I've tried to calm his fear about this by telling him if we use it correctly and use the right lube and don't get too crazy then it most likely won't ever break, atleast the risk of it breaking is smaller. He says, ok but what about 20 years later when it does break? - and I know he has a point, a very big point.

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MarkinNYC
Newbie

Reged: 01/12/06
Posts: 4
Loc: New York, NY
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #194664 - 06/05/06 09:17 PM

My partner and I were sere opposite when we got together nineteen years ago. I was POZ and he was negative. I was then 37 and he was 30. A couple of years into our relationship a condom broke during anal sex. We didn't know until after the fact. He rinsed, we put him on antivirals immediately, long before there was a protocol for such things (although our choices were very limited at the time.)

A few months later he sero converted.

That was seventeen years ago. We're both here, growing old together and still going strong. Do I feel some guilt about what probably happened? Yes. Of course there is some. I've spent years in therapy dealing with it. I didn't dream that condoms were so fragile. Admittedly I'd had little experience with them because they were not something a gay man needed or used in the time when I came of age and came out (the early 70's.) Do we worry about it now? No. Not much. It took a long time and a LOT of help along the way but we dealt with it and got on with our lives. Now that I'm 55 and he's 48 it doesn't have the same sense of tragedy it did back then. If you love the other person - be as careful as you possibly can. Maybe you want to discuss foregoing anal intercourse with your partner especially if he is the passive participant in that act. There are plenty of other things you can do in lieu of that particularly high-risk activity. If you are the passive partner and you're the POZ partner too, the risk is lower but still there. Remember, the BS in the community about 'the top guy is not at risk' is total BS. Being the “active” or “top” during anal sex has infected plenty of guys I know, including me. There is less risk of getting infected that way - but certainly there is still substantial risk and anyone who tells you differently is not telling you the facts.

Would I change it if I could? Hell yes. Knowing that someday the antivirals may fail and I may see him become ill and die is an awful prospect for me. But it hasn't happened in nearly two decades and maybe it won't happen for another two or three decades (in which case we'll be well past 70 and who gives a damn about it at that point in life anyway?)


Frankly, it nearly tore us apart when it happened years ago. I couldn't or wouldn't have anal sex with him for over a year. Since that's his favorite act sexually, it left us both frustrated as hell. But since then we've learned to use condoms and have avoided repeated exposure to each other's virus and body fluids. Did it help? Well, after 19 years we're still here! So you be the judge.

Sorry if this is/was too candid for you. It's just that I've been through it and you may well be facing it someday yourselves. Don't be stupid and think it cannot happen. It can and does.

It is not much fun writing this. I would rather have not had to do so. But the truth is the only thing that I can offer you and I'll give you an unvarnished version of it and hope that you can avoid the same accidental infection we experienced.

Mark in NYC


--------------------
Mark in NYC

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duffy
Newbie

Reged: 06/08/06
Posts: 4
Loc: ENGLAND,UK
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #195051 - 06/08/06 06:14 AM

hi.
i've been in a relationship for just over a year and we found out a year ago. im -. for some reason i have only now begun to think over things. lately its been about oral sex, we dont use a condom. some say its fine,others dont... does any of your sexual acts concern you??

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duffy
Newbie

Reged: 06/08/06
Posts: 4
Loc: ENGLAND,UK
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #195052 - 06/08/06 06:16 AM

does it worry your partner? the risks...

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duffy
Newbie

Reged: 06/08/06
Posts: 4
Loc: ENGLAND,UK
Re: Mixed status relationship new
      #195053 - 06/08/06 06:24 AM

I dont know how long you guys have been together but are either of you sexually frustrated? it seems because of your status, you have both pulled back from enjoyable sex. this must have created cracks in your relationship and will build up further stress. how long will you both live like this? does your boyfriend avoid HIV talk?

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