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brian patrick
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i am 23 and i just tested HIV+
#1728 - 04/03/00 10:47 AM
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I just turned 23 and I just found out I have been infected with the HIV virus. It will be three
months on December 17th that I have known and it never gets easier. I am on triple
therapy Crixivan/Zerit/Epivir and my viral load has declined from 35,800 to under 200. It is
strange that the fact that my numbers look good isn't bringing me a huge sense of relief or
anything akin to happiness. I feel like I am lost, alone and dying. I know it sounds dramatic
and maybe it is, but I can't shake the feeling that I am a freak, a disease carrier. I am now
seeing a psychatrist to help me sort out these issues and I'm really not sure what I am
saying here. I AM ANGRY AT THIS DISEASE!!!!!! I am angry that I have to take 10
pills a day (not including vitamins)! I am angry that I made stupid, careless mistakes that
will eventually cost me my life!! I am angry that my lover will have to go through the pain
of losing me and I will have to go through the pain of losing him!! I have never experienced
such a torrent of emotions. Everyday I am reminded that I have a virus replicating inside
my body. Not by taking the pills, but just by living. Sitting in a public place or watching TV.
Every baby, child, mother, family I see reminds me of what I have inside of me. I sit in a
cafe at lunch and look around wondering if I am the only person there that understands the
rage I feel inside. Will this ever get any easier to deal with? Do I want it to is really the
question I should ask. Will I ever want to reach the point where being HIV+ is something I
am comfortable with or something I just don't think about anymore. I will fight this virus
until I draw my final breath and I am hopeful that I will overcome, but I have so much rage.
Do any of you relate to this? How have you dealt with the rage? How have you dealt with
mixed status relationships? Any thoughts would really help me. Sorry I kind of went off a
little, but it felt good to vent!
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hi there,
i know what you are going through. i am feelign the same way even though i don't know for
sure if i ahve been infected. 3 weeks ago, i had sex and the condom broke. the guy said he
didn't come inside, but i don't believe him. now i am almost certain that i have been infected
. now, i am going through the same exact feelings you are going through adn i am preparing
for the worst. i wll have to wait 3 months to know for sure, but it has been hell so far.
however, little by little, things are gettign easier. from what i read, people with HIV CAN
actually live for a LONG while healthy and fulfilling lives, so i try to focus on that.
i hope we keep in touch.
hang in there.
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Brian,
I am 24, and have been positive for 10 months. It is perfectly normal to feel the way you
do. In time your feelings will change. HIV is no longer a death sentence. It is a treatable
disease. I am on Viramune/Epivir/Zerit combination. My CD4 count is up to 497, and my
viral load has been undetectable for 8 months. The important thing to remeber is to never
give up! If you need to talk please feel free to email me.
Carl
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There is alot out there to keep you healthy, be
sure you are getting the best care, I drive two hours per month to recieve proper care.The
new meds out, the ones on the way and all the studies done are helping us to live longer and
better. I had so much anger for awhile that is o.k. too. You will come to terms with this and
will hopefully will know that it is not a death sentence.I have looked at this as helping me to
do things with my life that I was to lazy to do before. I have started a new HIV/AIDS
non-profit agency, and joined many different groups to help others and myself. I have met
some great people along the way, most of which I would never had known before. Sure it
is sometimes still diffucult, but you will one day be able turn this nasty little virus around and
use it, to better your life, this sounds strange to you now but you will know what I mean in
time. One thing to keep in mind is that with proper medical care and you taking care of
yourself, you will live a long time, and you will see that you are not alone, there are many
out there in the same situation. Please feel free to contact me I am more than willing to
answer any questions if I can, don't forget take the time to stop and smell the roses, or
coffee, or cookies, whatever it takes, let me know how you are coming along. Take Care.
jw
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Hey Brian,
I'm glad you're seeing a counselor as I am a psychotherapist myself. Your feelings are all
very normal, and you need to be angry at the virus. I suggest people write a letter to the
virus and tell it off! You have to make this thing real, but don't let it have control of you.
YOU need to take back control and don't let it effect your spirit. You are grieving right
now, and that's what you need to do. Please email back if you wish.
Best wishes, Dwight
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Brian,
As someone who has given people positive HIV test results, I can empathize with your
situation and your feelings. But as cliched as it sounds, you really have to look at the good
things, not the least of which is that treatment options are improving in efficacy and in ease
all the time. When I first started doing this job, I really felt I was giving people a death
sentence. Now that is not the case whatsoever. I know people who were on their
deathbeds a couple of years ago--before the cocktail became available--and now they are
back to work full time. HIV is a disease that is very much influenced by your state of mind,
so I'm glad you're talking to someone about your feelings. And yes, those feelings will
change. You will learn to think of yourself not as a diseased person but as someone who
has a stupid virus that pisses you off now and then but that isn't going to kill you. We're
going to kill it off before then.
And you'll start thinking of yourself as someone who is going to live a long and wonderful
life. Because you are.
You are welcome to email me if you like. Take care of yourself and good luck.
David
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I totaly understand how you feel I have been hiv poz for 11 year it becomes apart of you
and the pain and anger becomes apart of the past. As long as you take your meds your life
can be just like anyone elses. Good luck >>>I just turned 23 and I just found out I have
been infected with the HIV virus. It will be three months on December 17th that I have
known and it never gets easier. I am on triple therapy Crixivan/Zerit/Epivir and my viral
load has declined from 35,800 to under 200. It is strange that the fact that my numbers look
good isn't bringing me a huge sense of relief or anything akin to happiness. I feel like I am
lost, alone and dying. I know it sounds dramatic and maybe it is, but I can't shake the
feeling that I am a freak, a disease carrier. I am now seeing a psychatrist to help me sort
out these issues and I'm really not sure what I am saying here. I AM ANGRY AT THIS
DISEASE!!!!!! I am angry that I have to take 10 pills a day (not including vitamins)! I am
angry that I made stupid, careless mistakes that will eventually cost me my life!! I am
angry that my lover will have to go through the pain of losing me and I will have to go
through the pain of losing him!! I have never experienced such a torrent of emotions>>>.
Everyday I am reminded that I have a virus replicating inside my body. Not by taking the
pills, but just by living. Sitting in a public place or watching TV. Every baby, child, mother,
family I see reminds me of what I have inside of me. I sit in a cafe at lunch and look
around wondering if I am the only person there that understands the rage I feel inside. Will
this ever get any easier to deal with? Do I want it to is really the question I should ask. Will
I ever want to reach the point where being HIV+ is something I am comfortable with or
something I just don't think about anymore. I will fight this virus until I draw my final breath
and I am hopeful that I will overcome, but I have so much rage. Do any of you relate to
this? How have you dealt with the rage? How have you dealt with mixed status
relationships? Any thoughts would really help me. Sorry I kind of went off a little, but it felt
good to vent!
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Brian,
I uderstand how you feel, I was first diagnosed in 1993. My t cells were low and they didn't
test for viral counts then. Protease Inhibitors were just being tested. Fortunatley I had a
lover who was very caring and family and freinds to support me.
I may the decsion that I was not dying of AIDS but living with it. It is an annoying part of
my everyday life. I have been healthy and continue to live a full productive life. My lover
and I have been togeather 10 years and we bought a house a year ago. We travel and
enjoy all the things I did before I was diagnosed.
My advise to you is stay in therapy to help you through the rough times and maybe join a
group with other pwa so you can discuss with them the feeling that come with having a life
threating illness that other can't understand. But most important live life. Don't shy away
from pursuing your dreams or falling in love because of AIDS. As long as you are healthy
there isn't anything you can't do.
Always remember you are living with AIDS NOT DYING FROM IT.
If you wish you can E mail me.
Freddy
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brian patrick
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Unregistered
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I just wanted to post an update to my article. First off let me thank all of you that took the
time to post replies. I found your words to be very comforting and inspiring. I am in a much
better place now. My Viral load is still in decline and my T-cells are climbing higer and
higher. I have been going to weekly therapy sessions and I finally told my family the news.
Life is a struggle positive or not and we all just have to move forward and live each day to
it's fullest. I know that may sound cliche but it works for me. Thanks again and remember
to never give up.
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