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Anonymous
Unregistered

Lonely in Los Angeles
      #165006 - 11/22/05 06:18 PM

I tested positive 3 years ago this month (November) and I just hate the fact that I allowed myself to become HIV-positive. Sometimes I just wanna hide from the world. Although I am starting to understand that I have nothing to be ashamed of, the past several years have not been easy. At least I'm not drinking to excess like I did the first year. I never wanted to be just another HIV-positive queer, but I guess it's better than being an HIV-positive drunk queer. I'm not sure that I have a point here, I've just been thinking a lot about my HIV status lately and wanted to vent a little. Often I feel no one understands what I'm going through. I guess I should find a group so I can explore some of these feelings.

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jenn
Regular

Reged: 09/14/05
Posts: 325
Re: Lonely in Los Angeles new
      #165022 - 11/22/05 11:05 PM

You are not, and never will be, an "HIV positive queer". I see life like this: it doesn't matter what orientation a person is and it doesn't matter what HIV status a person is. You are right - what matters is that ones is not a wasted drunk, a drug do-er, a compulsive liar and a thief. My point, who are you - take away your HIV status and your sexual orientation - who are you?
I am a hetero woman, and if someone said to me "who are you?", my sexual orientation and my HIV status would not be part of the answer. It only is for you because society makes such a big deal out of being gay.

So who are you? A soccer player? A financial analyst? An uncle? A writer? A landscaper? A teddy bear collector? Its not about sex or what is physically in your body.
Jenn

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ScotCharles
Veteran

Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 924
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: Lonely in Los Angeles new
      #165038 - 11/23/05 09:01 AM

Heavens. The past is gone, concentrate on the now and what you are going to do with the next precious moment of life you have. Guilt is a crock of shit that will get you nowhere fast.

You seem to need some structure in your life. Think about joining some sort of structured self help group. Mine is not an exhaustive list, but try a Center for Attitudinal Healing, or AA (call them or look it up on line for a group that suits your needs), or Transcendal Meditation, whatever. LA is chock-a-block with all sorts of good groups, although as a hint I would avoid the unstructured whine and moan groups that facilitate rather than provide a path of structured steps, which you seem to need to get your journey jumpstarted.

Good luck and have a nice trip.


--------------------
Life is a river.
Carpe diem.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Lonely in Los Angeles new
      #165177 - 11/24/05 02:39 PM

Thank you, Scot and Jenn, for the thoughtful replies to my post. Today is Thanksgiving Day and I realize that I (we) do have so much to be thankful for. Sometimes I get a little down, especially around my "anniversary," but I can be thankful that at least I did not go out and drink myself into oblivion like I did on my first year "anniversary." So, it's getting better. In fact, I have a lot to be thankful for. HIV is not the center of my life. I'm healthy. I take my medications every day as prescribed. Sure, it does make dating and sex a little more complicated as far as when and how to disclose, but it's unrealistic to think that a life worth living is not going to be somewhat complicated and it's not something that I cannot deal with sober.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Lonely in Los Angeles new
      #165348 - 11/26/05 02:16 PM

I'm 20 + yrs. POZ hon and still not certain why I did what I did to become HIV+ besides it was/is my course in this life.

Hug
T

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jenn
Regular

Reged: 09/14/05
Posts: 325
Re: Lonely in Los Angeles new
      #165432 - 11/27/05 11:53 PM

Please note to everyone that wonders why they did what they did to ultimatley become HIV positive - EVERYONE does what you did. Everyone else is NOT being "super careful" while you were not. Everyone has been sometimes careful with sex, then not careful with sex, speeds on the roadway when driving, then not speeding later on, then speeding again - my point - we are ALL human. We constantly have to adjust our lives around ourselves. I am thrilled to hear from the poster on Thanksgiving day. Write again. Love to all of you,
Jenn

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Lonely in Los Angeles new
      #165778 - 11/30/05 08:59 PM

I am coming up on my 1 year anniversary on the 3rd of Dec. I am right there with you when it comes to I CAN NOT BELIEVE I let this happen to myself. Even worse, of finding out about the HIV in Dec. and still struggling with that, in Feb I found out I had cancer. Had a cholostomy done, and underwent my treatments. Both Radiation and Chemo. I have since then done the reversal of my cholostomy, and I am in Remission. My Tcell and Viral are very very good. But I still struggle daily with the fact I put myself in this situation. So I do know how you feel. I have read many threads here, and this is the first time responding to one, just due to knowing I am right there with you. Please wrtie me anytime you need a friend. We all can use one every now and again. thephotoguy.darren@gamil.com

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Lonely in Los Angeles new
      #165779 - 11/30/05 08:59 PM

Dude, Iím in L.A. too and I totally know what youíre going through. Iím coming up on my 5-year anniversary of being diagnosed and it sure isnít fun but I donít get as down as I used to.

Thereís this really good group in L.A. for people just like you. Itís called Positively New sponsored by Being Alive. They meet every Wednesday evening and itís geared for people who are within their first 5 years of diagnoses.

And itís a totally upbeat group, not one of those turn off the lights feel sorry for ourselves groups. And since itís geared toward people early in their diagnoses everyone there is going through the same kind of issues and can relate. And itís real informative too; the guy who facilitates the group is an HIV genius Ė everything I know about HIV I learned in that group. And plus itís just good to vent with other newly poz guys. You should check it out; you can find the info on the Being Alive L.A. web site.


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Lonely in Los Angeles sunshine in Texas new
      #165791 - 12/01/05 12:20 AM

Same here tested positive 3 years ago and for the first drank and acted the fool then calmed down but completely understand what you mean about being alone but then one day the clouds parted and I met the most wonderful man who i am still with 6mths and counting so i guess my point is everyday is a new day........you never know what may come your way ........keep your chin up

dallas, tx

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Billy
Unregistered

Re: Lonely in Los Angeles new
      #165802 - 12/01/05 07:03 AM

Hello,my name is Billy.I'm from Toronto,Canada.I wanted to let you know I can relate to you so well.I have been poz for 5 years.They have been 5 yrs of hell.I am finally in theray and quit all substances.I am finally having better days but so many things are still hard to deal with.Like trust issues.Sometimes I feel dirty and no good for anything anymore yet I know I must stay strong.I hope you feel better.God bless us all.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Lonely in Los Angeles new
      #165828 - 12/01/05 01:07 PM

honey!, cheer up! you are not alone, and after a while you get use to it... all you have to do now is thinking healthy, i was diagnosed in 1995, in a 3th world country, come from a wealthy family, but my health insurance dind cover anything by the time and till now there.. so i had two choice let me die or live long.. i choose live long, came to the states, found medicine, ilegal allien as i am since 7 years ago and with no hope at all to fix that because of my hiv status .. but thinking positive... trying to find a job wherever i can to make a decent living, left all my queer proud, and all the queer glamorous world behind to choose life.., we are still ALIVE, sometimes i feel down and lonely but i think positive and never been in any kind of support group... be selfish think in yourself and how you can battle this... eat healthy, excersice, and rest, stress will kill you sooner than HIV, and remember, you are still alive for a reason, send you a big hug. Jor.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Lonely in Barbados new
      #165881 - 12/01/05 07:15 PM

My head is spinning. Everything is a blur. What did I do? My life could have been normal. I have ruined it. can't sleep, I can't study. I am afraid to wake up. I pray to all the gods to help me. I am so afraid. I am so lonely. I am so desperate and suicidal. When will I die? How long will I live? My God, I have lost all hope.

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jenn
Regular

Reged: 09/14/05
Posts: 325
Re: Lonely in Barbados new
      #165895 - 12/01/05 09:09 PM

To jam,
Don't commit suicide - as a holocaust victim once said - don't kill yourself because then you will never know how you ended up. Good good things are yet to come in your life and in HIV research development. You will miss all the love, and medicine, and laughs if you kill yourself. Don't. We love you here.
Jenn

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LoTo
New User

Reged: 12/01/05
Posts: 1
Re: Lonely in Los Angeles new
      #165905 - 12/01/05 10:30 PM

i understand your feelings, but it's time to move beyond them. i tested positive in 1991when azt was about the only med available. just a couple of months after testing i got transferred to a new job in a new city, where i pretty much started life over. i got a new doc, followed his instructions, tried new meds as they became available & decided i was gonna live. i started to date, and found people to be much more accepting of my status that i had expected. i dated a couple of guys short term, and one or two a couple of years each. then i got transferred again in 1997, yet again to another city where i did not know one person. in 1998 i met my wonderful partner (he's neg, by the way.) we've been together ever since and i couldn't be happier. i've never had an hiv related illness, and am as healthy as most anyone i know. i take my meds, take care of myself, and never really think that much about my status. i guess my point is, get up, get out there, and enjoy life. take care of your body and you will live a long and healthy life. there's no reason not to, so get with it!

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Lonely in Los Angeles new
      #166008 - 12/02/05 08:41 PM

I am "Lonely in Los Angeles," the original poster for this thread. I just want to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my post. If, at the time that I wrote my original post, I felt isolated and remorseful, now I can say that I do feel more connected. I understand that it will never be entirely easy to live with the virus, but I am also beginning to understand that it's not easy to live, period. Sure, people will reject me because of my HIV status in the future, but people could just as easily reject me for ANYTHING. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am an HIV-positive gay man, but I am so much more. And if someone doesn't want to bother to know me for who I am entirely, then I simply cannot be bothered. I am beginning to be convinced that there are more wonderful, beautiful, loving people in this world than I had previously thought. Thank you to all the replies to my original post that have helped me to get to this point.

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