The Body: The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource
Follow Us Follow Us on Facebook Follow Us on Twitter Download Our App 
Professionals >> Visit The Body PROThe Body en Espanol

HIV Life >> Gay Men

Pages: 1
Ron in Tampa

Lost my best friend, lover, and 2nd full-time job.
      #161950 - 10/16/05 05:17 AM

Just struggling through losing someone I spent 18 hours a day with for 10 years- the last 4 taking care of him as he got progressively sicker (hence the '2nd full time job').
The hardest part is the sense of emptiness that can't be expressed to others that have never been so close to someone (we went years without spending a night apart- and because of my job flexibility, I literally spent 80% of waking hours with him as he maintained a sharp mind and sense of humor until the last minutes). It is hard to get this close when you are healthy- you have your own lives and directions- we shared a single focus for half a decade- keeping him alive.

Although not truly lonely, because I can visit friends or have people over any time- every communication with someone else seems empty because they miss the 'joke'- the loss of someone you shared every movie with (we rented about 10 a week), you traveled the world with, and you shared the exact same sense of humor (we knew every line to every episode of Absolutely Fabulous, Sex & the City, and others). We finished each others sentences, usually with unabashed cynicism despite his illness, and my obvious compassionate hovering. We were like the same mind, just two sides of it- and it's hard to complete a sentence without anticipating (always correctly) how he would respond.

We were soulmates with almost nothing in common, from different age cohorts, and different ethnicities, but always had a vision of the other in the back of our minds (he said he dreamed of me exactly when he was five- I was in love a character in a book who looked exactly like him when I was in 2nd grade- he was my "And now, Miguel"...)

We survived and broke a drug addiction together, a tumultuous beginning (that started with his finding out two weeks after we met that he was positive, from a test taken a month before- and we had been wildly unprotected in those 2 weeks- and just threw caution to the wind), years of crazy sex and debauchery (but good debauchery- not endangering others- we were the Belles of the Bathhouse) as we both felt like the end was near and he lived his life (and mine) to the hilt. And then a quiet half decade while he slipped nearer to death- me spending over a 100 overnights in hospitals, he spending nearly 75 weeks in the hospital. Ultimately I took the test and found out that I was surprisingly negative, some comfort for him in the last years.

The drama continued during these quiet years, as numerous new conditions occurred, and wet behind the ears doctors claimed he wouldn't live through the week. They were off by about 225 weeks- we actually enjoyed fighting them and proving them wrong- but the effort was devastating- while he lost 40 lbs, I gained 50. He set the all-time US hospital record for low Potassium (walked in the hospital, and walked out 7 weeks later)- had 2 medical journal papers written about him- and survived 36 rounds of chemo, as well as over 75 paracentesis'.

I stayed by his side, while his family ignored him (he was 'scary' to them). And he passed just 5 days after visiting them (they never did take care of him well- and I didn't want him to go- they lived 2000 miles away)

I was not invited to the funeral- and have not heard from one of them once he was cremated- they begrudgingly let me have half the ashes- but apparently destroyed the expensive rings I gave him while he was out there, because they were a sign of our ' abomination'- Jehovah's Witnesses make such pleasant in-laws for the gay son.

Anyway- I've tried to remember him through my own private ceremony, sent his remaining drugs to Guatemala (he had a treasure trove, not very compliant), have an "I dream of Jeannie" bottle for his ashes- and remember him every minute of every day.

So if anyone can share just a bit of this experience- please contact me. I'm only 44, but feel like I'm a 93 year old widower. The pounds are shedding off, and people are approaching me and finding me attractive again, but I just think of how beautiful my baby was (he was gorgeous, and only 21 when we met). I can't imagine being with someone who isn't just like the same beautiful young hispanic man with danger in his eyes, but the most beautiful heart on earth

But the world has moved on, and I am no longer a young man. Unfortunately, I don't even feel complete anymore.

Looking for others who have experienced some or a couple elements of my grief- and would like to contact me during my mourning. It's so hard after fighting and taking care of someone 100 hours a week to find meaning in the mundane nature of life now. Since we moved several times, family and friends are displaced (and unfortunately already getting over his death). Because we were so focused on each other- much of the rest of the world (and friends, unfortunately) tended to slip away.

Anyway- looking for others who may be suffering the loss of someone they took care of tirelessly (partners, mothers, brothers, sisters)- recent widowers- couples or parents who are going through it (I am quite the medical expert on HIV, MAC infections, cancer or MAC resultant ascites- and can help with 'patient advocacy')

Perhaps even someone who is recently found positive and is feeling a similar form of ennui (take heart, I can tell you more of our love and give you hope that it is not too late just because you are positive)- and of course, young hispanic men with hearts of gold- since that's who I lost, and any fleeting memory and positive thoughts I can give you will help me to cope... No, not looking for a date, just friends and compatriots in grief and mourning...

Maybe you can also give me advice on what I can throw myself into to find meaning in life again (no religious crap please- I am reading a lot about life after death experiences and Eastern Philosophy- but have always been spiritual- not religious)

send an email to

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Reged: 09/14/05
Posts: 325
Re: Lost my best friend, lover, and 2nd full-time job. new
      #161952 - 10/16/05 05:32 AM

You two were VERY LUCKY to have eachother. My twin sister is BIG into spiritual mediums. I have seen one too. The real ones are incredible. It is proof that your boyfriend is with us RIGHT NOW as we type these notes on this screen. He is smiling and watching us. Rita Berkowics DREW A PICTURE of my father from seeing his spirit - never seeing him in flesh, any pictures of him, or knowing him. (He died a year before). It BLEW our minds.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Re: Lost my best friend, lover, and 2nd full-time job. new
      #162170 - 10/19/05 09:55 PM

hi ron my name is jorge, i'm spanish and living with HIV for 10 years now, i undestand how you feel, i lost my best friend due aids back in 1995 same year i found out i was HIV, was hard but think possitive, i came to america because i couldnt find help back in my country and my family even if they are wealthy wouldn't help and was more or less ashamed of me, the problem with spanish families is they are too proud and hate the fact that other people find out things about them, and believe it or not spanish culture keep everything in the low and HIV is still a tabu for everybody there, well my friend cheer up dont let yourself fall down ther is people out there with whole bunch of problems.. me for example have no job, no papers to work because i'm not a u.s resident and not even have hopes to become one since my HIV but still "positive" for a brand new day and thankful for being alive love and hugs

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Re: Lost my best friend, lover, and 2nd full-time job. new
      #162229 - 10/20/05 01:32 PM

Ron...In 1995 I lost my " first " soul-mate. We had been together 22 years at his passing. I cared for him by myself and whenever he was hospitalized ( 23 times ) I took off from work and slept next to his bed. When he passed away, my world fell apart.....I wandered around for three years in the dark waiting for the hurt to get did......I STILL miss him desperately, but at the continuous " prodding " from friends I met someone.......I have been his partner now since 1998 and I have a purpose in life once again.....he is also HIV positive...takes one of the cocktail regimens and does well with a consistent " undetectable viral load "..........I promised myself that I would NEVER go thru that first horrible experience again......BUT, love knows no boundaries.....I am blessed for every day we have together. I will NEVER forget my first partner...he still has a part of me with him......but life goes on and I know that when you realize will start to get better for you as well ! I went to a number of GRIEF groups......they helped some.....but it wasn't until I knew in my own heart that I wanted to be happy again, that things started to change for me.......that change comes from will for you when the time is right ! TONY. :)

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: Lost my best friend, lover, and 2nd full-time job. new
      #162244 - 10/20/05 02:36 PM


I had to take a moment to express my deepest sympathy for your loss. You were so blessed to have had such a wonderful love. I'm sorry he was taken from you. Your story brought a smile to my face, and tears to my eyes. I'm sorry his family wasn't grateful that their son/brother had such a careing loving wonderful partner to make his time here happy and complete. I truly believe that you have an angel up in heaven that will be with you always.

I hope you are able to find peace and comfort.

I will keep you in my prayers.


Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Re: Lost my best friend, lover, and 2nd full-time job. new
      #165399 - 11/27/05 03:28 PM

You are a Tribute to his memory...

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Reged: 02/15/06
Posts: 797
Re: Lost my best friend, lover, and 2nd full-time job. new
      #178633 - 03/06/06 08:49 PM

You have totally touched my heart. I am sorry for your loss. May you have sun on your face the rest of your days, my friend!

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1

What's New at

Additional Information
0 registered and 1 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  TheBody, bogart, gigi, riverprincess 

      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is enabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Thread views: 5327

Jump to

Contact Us | Privacy Statement The Body

UBB.threads™ 6.2.3