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jdsk8r
Unregistered

feeling different
      #139225 - 03/24/05 07:30 PM

Hi, I have been HIV positive for a year and a half and am doing well taking my medications. I am undetectable and my t cells are up. The problem is I have really felt different since I have aquired this disease and I always feel like nobody understands what I am going through. I was dating someone who is negative and he couldn't deal with my situation. I take my meds like I should and I don't want to be at the bars every weekend. Actually I haven't gone out in months because I have become less social. I really would like to meet people who are going through the same feelings and who can understand how I feel. I am afraid to date because of the rejection I may receive from people. Does anybody have any good advice for me and do you feel like I do sometimes? Thank you for responding. I live in Dallas Texas.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: feeling different new
      #139227 - 03/24/05 07:54 PM

Understand how you feel. Some of it is the meds, but also you have an innate sense of responsibility. Kudos to you.

I have been poz for 20 or so years, on meds about 6. I have a partner who is negative (not just HIV-) and likes to sometimes play me now like I am suddenly stupid (we have been together 15 years) and that I cannot think clearly. The reality is the other way around. But for a poz on meds, it is baggage you do not need.

Would end this mess if I could, as I cannot talk with him anymore as he just puts it on me as some problem of mine. He is more full of s**t every passing month, and is difficult to talk to as he does not or cannot remember previous discussions or situations. I have a photographic memory, so it is like talking to a stranger. I do not have the resources to change right now, but would pay someone $ 1 to take him off my hands.

He is acting like he did when he was ending his last relationship with someone who was unfaithful, drank and ran around alot that he would have paid $ 0.25 to get rid of.

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jdsk8r
Newbie

Reged: 03/24/05
Posts: 8
Loc: Washington
Re: feeling different new
      #139229 - 03/24/05 08:17 PM

That was good advice. Thank You so much. He tends to make my problem bigger than it is. He did go to a counselor to talk about it for himself and didn't ask me to go with him. I got angry because I felt like he was volating my privacy, however he was tryng to help the situation. I went to the gym today and I feel good about myself. Who needs someone dragging you down. Oh, he also makes comments about my looks, like pointing at my face and saying what is that I look good with no side effects and he pokes at me to get me to respond than says I am too sensitve and laughs at me. I am sensitve right now and want to be happy and relaxed not stressed.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: feeling different new
      #139243 - 03/25/05 08:39 AM

In dallas there are support groups you can go to at the aids outreach center. They are worth a try. http://www.aoc.org/popups/supportgroup.html

you can also try to find out if there are other support groups by calling the Resource Center of Dallas at 214-528-0144


Also read through this stuff for inspiration!
http://www.thebody.com/whatis/gaymen_dating.html#positive

And finally, what's your emial address? I'm sure there are people from dallas (or other places) on this board who would love to correspond with you.

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Basquo
Unregistered

Re: feeling different new
      #139247 - 03/25/05 12:34 PM

You're going through a lot, and I can't promise you it's going to get better anytime soon, but it will. I always disclose before I date someone, and to tell the truth I haven't been rejected that often for being poz. Stepping down socially for awhile is not necessarily a bad thing and can often be therapeutic, but if it's starting to bother you then you need to open back up and get out a little more. Go to a bar if you like but don't stay all weekend. Gradually you'll come out of your shell, and you may even notice a pattern emerge, something like you stay in for a couple of months, then go out more for a couple of months. Or weeks. Everyone is different, but we all share something. I was diagnosed five years ago, and my biggest problem is meeting other poz folks. I know one poz guy I can talk to in person; I guess everyone else is hiding out. Or maybe I've been staying in a lot. Best wishes from Austin!

Basquo

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Tscotty
Member

Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 13
Re: feeling different new
      #139288 - 03/26/05 03:28 PM

Hey Dallas,
Our reality is that we are different. Our feelings of complete inadequacy in all aspects of our lives seem to be shared by more of us than we know. As I read through the postings I get this sense that everyone wants to unload their feelings but at the same time want to help others. Thank god we've got this. I just started fuzeon injections the other day and let me tell you about "feeling different". I am the picture of health to the outside world but feel like a monster or something when I give those injections...kinda like a Jeckyl & Hyde...for 13 years I have dealt with this and have always felt different. It seems some come right out with it and tell the world, get involve politically, or seek out support groups, etc. while others stay silent and go on about their lives as usual. Sometimes we feel that if we can just find the right guy who we can tell right away (use good judgment on that one) and settle down with a life partner who doubles as our bedtime counsler, that we could get through this easier. This is a possibility for some but so far I've found that "HIV positive status" as a basis for a relationship is also a basis for a very short lived relationship. You will eventually find your support and it will probably come from many sources. Try to be happy and laugh at everything even if it's not funny. Keep working out, keep working, keep posting, be honest about your feelings and eliminate those aroud you who bring you down for no reason. Try to think of yourself as special not different. I hope this helps.
friend from Houston


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: feeling different new
      #139330 - 03/28/05 09:03 AM

It's an interesting change in your life. I have been positive for three years and I am in a serodiscordant relationship. It is difficult at times. Some people just don't understand and they are afraid. Don't fault them for that. I have been involved in two relationships since my diagnosis and I disclosed immediately. You will find more support than you think. We do feel different. When I am out socially, sometimes I feel that I am inside this bubble, different from those around me. Interestingly enough, I always compared being positive to a vampire bite. Being the "chosen" one living amongst a world of mortals. The first year is always the hardest. It will get tolerable. Never easy, but bearable. Sounds like you are on the right path and are starting to educate yourself. Best Wishes!

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: feeling different new
      #139351 - 03/29/05 04:58 AM

I'm not gay nor HIV positive but I can understand how you feel. I know it could be so difficult for you to live the way you did first nor to socialize with the others without feeling uneasy. but think positive, you said you're going fine...you should know that there are some like you who's fighting death...don't lose hope, always be you...it might be difficult but stay steal and I'm sure you're going to find someone who can accept you for what you are and can understand you the way you want to...good luck!

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.ryan
Unregistered

Re: feeling different new
      #139459 - 03/31/05 08:27 AM

hi i am a complete stranger to u.by da way how r u .i am fine .u neednot worry i know its like a ticking time bomb.but i would like to say that live ur best life just like oprah says.and live every movement do not worry abt acceptence i have already accepted u as a friend .any help u can mail me.dont hesitate.take care.

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ryan
Unregistered

Re: feeling different new
      #139460 - 03/31/05 08:29 AM

wizardryan2003@yahoo.co.in

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Anthony
Unregistered

Re: feeling different new
      #139466 - 03/31/05 12:15 PM

Ryan:

You and I are in the same boat. I tested positive about the same time you did. A little of my experience echos yours.

The really important thing to remember throughout my post is this one golden rule ... dating is hard even in the best circumstances.

When I first started dating again, I hit a string on negitive men. I don't know why or how, but I did. Over a course a little more then a year I dated 14 neg men. Out of those 14 only two said that they didn't care about my status. In all honesty only one really didn't care and the those was simply a freak.

There were a few really hard aspects of being positive that I had to get use to. The first was my whole "when I was negitive" aspect of my life. When I was negitive I dated positive guys. Status was a non-issue for me. What I discovered and much to my surprise is that it is an issue for some men. I'm also constantly surprised on how many gay men don't know the basics of HIV. Again another strike against us.

The other aspect that I had to come to terms with was the new roll of educator I had to play when dating negitive guys. All the men I dated had questions about it. The how, the when, the why, the effects ... blah blah blah. I felt that my status was on a date and not me as a person.

Combine this was the whole stigma that surrounds us positive guys ... needless to say my ego was shattered lying in tiny shards on the floor in my bedroom.

A few things that have helped.

1) A good support group.
This is the whole reason why they exist, to be the like-minded together.

2) Acceptance.
I had to really find the strength and resolve in my own acceptance of HIV. When it means, what the preceptions are, when stigmas I will have to face ... and accept them. Like it or not (for now) we're stuck with our little friends. And whomever we find will also have to accept our status.

3) Keep the "End Goal" in mind
This goes hand and hand with number 2. The "end goal" is to find someone who will love us for who we are. So if "Joe Blow" doesn't want to pursue things becasue of our status, so be it. They weren't a good match then and that's ok.

4) Friends
There was a great line from "Tails of the City" that went something like ...
... I don't need a boyfriend if I have 5 really good friends.

How true this is. My friends have been a lifesaver through this all. Tell your support system you nee a little more support right now. I'm sure that you'll be surprised how they respond.

5) http://www.positivepersonals.com/
I've been a few dates from here. It nice to have the whole status question a non-issue.

The long and the short of it Ryan, you're not alone.

Best of luck,
Anthony


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Kali Lindsey
Unregistered

Re: feeling different new
      #139467 - 03/31/05 12:20 PM

After living with HIV for a couple of years I can honestly say that you decide. It has been my experience that your feelings around your HIV infection get translated into your potential partners feelings around HIV. I have dated and been intimate with people since my HIV infection and have disclosed to all of them, and only one of them was too weirded out by it to go any further. I have also been very bold and unashamed about my status. I treat it the same way that I do about my sexual attraction, if I hide it people tend to think that I am hiding it out of shame. When I am bold and upfront about it, they tend to react to that as well. I definitely feel you about feeling different and it is going to be a judgement call that only you can make. Some of us choose to serosort ( the term given to those that look at status as a factor for whom they are going to date and be intimate with). Some of us just go with the flow. As you continue to come into yourself as living with HIV you will decide what is best for you. You have plenty of support systems out here. I recommend getting involved in a prevention program with your local non-profit which usually includes other men like you that are HIV infected that are experiencing your same feelings and wondering how to disclose their status, what is safer sex, what can you and can't you do, why HIV is such a small part of who you are but yet such a big deal. This group environment gives you the opportunity to listen to other peoples experiences and possibly get ideas of how you want to approach things or possibly things you want to avoid.

In any event, it sounds like the biggest thing that is going to play a role in your new life is making some decisions on exactly how you feel in your new skin. After you are clear on that, you have to make that you then convey that to your potential partners and love interests. At least that is what worked for me!

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jdsk8r
Newbie

Reged: 03/24/05
Posts: 8
Loc: Washington
Re: feeling different new
      #139468 - 03/31/05 12:27 PM

Thank you so very much to everbody who has responded to my posted message. It has made me feel alot better to know people do care out there. Wishing you all health and much happiness!!!!

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Lorraine
Unregistered

Re: feeling different new
      #139471 - 03/31/05 01:31 PM

I have been positive since 1985 and the person I am married to now is negative. what worked for me was first joining a support group that could work on my own self-esteem and how I felt about being infected. Then when someone I would meet didn't quit take it personal. You have to remember some people think they way we use to think about it. So we first have to think differently about ourselves and the disease. When it hits our own lifes we have no choice but to take it. Well I hope you get what I am trying to say. All I know is I would rather know that someone could not handle my situation then for them to play me as a fool. That is why I am positive now because a man play me for a fool.

Take care of yourself and find support within your community and learn how to respect yourself and accept yourself and treat yourself good. You do deserve it.

Hope my advise does help you!

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: feeling different new
      #139473 - 03/31/05 01:49 PM

Cheer up. Life is far from over. I was going through your experience in 1986 and had the same feeling of fear of rejection and I thought that I would probably die soon without ever having another relationship. I am now in a 14 year relationship with a negative partner. My advice is to be honest with yourself and with everyone that you choose to have sex with. It is not necessary to tell everyone that you know about your status but you may feel better in confiding with a good friend or two. And in your courting remember that here are many people out there who respect honesty and who don't necessarily see HIV as the ultimate factor when choosing whether to be with someone.

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