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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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Anonymous
Unregistered

think twice
      #134310 - 02/10/05 10:53 PM

i'm writing this because first i need to talk to someone and second maybe some negatives who read this will think twice before sleeping with someone of unknown hiv status.
lets take it from the very beginning. in 1997 i blew a ts escort. if you wonder i am straight or something like that. anyways there was only a precum and there it ended. with such guilt, being only 18 i didnt tell anyone, never tested. i just hoped i wasn't hiv+. after 7 yrs of total torture to myself, recuring depressions i got ill last summer. it started with a lower back pain. followed by diarrhoea, muscle twitching, petechiae, tremor ect. i was totally sure my days came to an end. i even for the first time talked with my father about it. i just came to his room and crying asked him to forgive me for the pain i have caused to him and mom. that made him sad, i have never seen him so sad. he asked me to test. so i did, went to a men's clinic and tested annonymously. went to pick up my test. and to my surprise no antibodies detected. i still believe that the test was wrong yet try to convince myself it's only my 7 yrs of anxiety.
what i am trying to say is whoever reads this and is still hiv- think twice. you have no idea what that moment can cost you. 7 yrs wasted, for seven yrs i've lived with no hopes of future, with stress, depression and anxiety. went to university or college. was it wort it? to this moment i am not convinced the test was accurate. i still experience similar symptoms, they come and go. could that be all that stress from 7 yrs?

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healthyPOZbttm
Newbie

Reged: 02/11/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Dallas, TX
Re: think twice new
      #134376 - 02/11/05 06:19 PM

Negative emotions can KILL! They attack your immune system just as much as a killer virus.

LIVE man, LIVE. Let go of the baggage, it can kill too.

Watch Auntie Mame, go play ball with your buddies, swim, bike ride, hike the country, it's a beautiful and wonderful place we live in. Don't carry around the stress, there is no need. Regret can do nothing for you, it's done, it's over.

YOU have the power and the control to make YOU stronger, healthy, happy and a lover of life. Enjoy it! It is such a gift and there are so many good people out there.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: think twice new
      #134386 - 02/11/05 10:24 PM

thanks bud. words like that from a poz person is more than a words from anyone who's negative. i am trying to do that. it's not easy. it will take long time to heal all that emotional wound. but at least i graspped some idea of what you folks are going through. that opens your eyes for the rest of your life. you can't really be ignorant anymore or not to think of what happens outside of your life and environment. your conscience just wont let you. thanks again and may God strengthen your faight and hope in these difficult times.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: think twice new
      #134463 - 02/14/05 06:48 PM

Science is one area where we get facts------you tested negative for the antibodies ----so six months ago you did not have HIV. Retest to rule out any small margin for error. Then Accept the Fact you're Healthy. Stop punishing yourself for for having sex with a guy. Forgive yourself. Move on. Be happy.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: think twice new
      #134482 - 02/15/05 07:40 AM

Bless you for taking the test. You are not alone and there are millions that do not take the test for the same reason. You are not bad or stupid or a coward. There are years of guilt and supression built in many of us, that has allot to do with your fears ( being with a trannie, aka a " homo" ). Most of these fears and irrational thought is really NOT YOUR FAULT.Please understand that and do not punish yourself any further.The fact that you told your Dad what you did is the best move you have ever made. That is going to help you more than you will ever know. No more secrets my friend!!!, No more shame. No go out and live a good life and do something nice for someone else. Get out of your head in get into life.
good luck for the future..

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spadude64
Regular

Reged: 12/26/04
Posts: 37
Loc: Pa, USA
Re: think twice new
      #134533 - 02/16/05 04:43 AM

I went through pretty much the same problem you did. I had what I will call AIDS anxiety and I know it can tear you apart.
The only thing is I am HIV positive and am celibate and I talk to High School kids on how to avoid HIV.
Now we should be concerned about a new drug resistant strain of HIV out there so PLEASE!!!!! HAVE SAFE SEX or abstain!!!!!

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: think twice new
      #134622 - 02/17/05 11:34 PM

thanks again to all of you for taking your time and writing back. really appreciated.

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