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Contracting HIV
#16015 - 02/25/01 04:18 AM
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Recently my husband found out he is HIV+. At this time I am HIV - but I have only had one test and no viral load test done. We know he was negative in the beginning of last year and now he ha HIV. When I asked him about how he got this he told me that during the summer he visited some of those 24 hr newstands/porno shops. He says he masterbated to videos there and only once did he let someone touch him and they only did it a short time with their hand. He says he didn't ejaculate and hasn't engaged in any other behavior. He did tell me that he he knows he got semen on his hand from the seat he sat on once but he immediately washed his hand and knows he didn't have any open wounds. I understand what he is telling me -what I can't make sense out of is that, as a healthcare worker, I know this small amount of exposure should not equal a diagnosis of HIV+. Has anyone else heard of someone getting this disease in such a manner?
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Dear Jan (?)
I've read your story and sorry to say but your husband is telling you a big big story.
I'm together with my boyfriend for over 3 yrs now. Shortly after we met we went to a HIV test. He was tested HIV+ and I HIV-. So WE are living now with HIV for over 3yrs and I am still neg. He's undetectable for over 2 2/1yrs. THANKS GOD !!!
We have sex, sucking with out condom, anal sex with condome, we kiss, I don't swallow or take his sperm in my mouth, i get his sperm on my chest....at the end at my whole body, etc. We're trying to have a NORMAL LIFE with HIV. However.
It isn't easy for a HI-virus to enter the human body. It has to go directly into the blood stream, due to sperm, vaginal body fluids etc. The HI-virus is very very unstable outside the human body and can't survive for a long time outside. The most likely way to get infected is vaginal sex without condoms, anal sex without condoms, swallow sperm o r take in your mouth, used needels. So if you husband had an open wound at his hand or an open wound at his penis and would put immdtl. infectecd sperm at this wound than MAYBE he could get infected. (to be honest, I've never ever heard anything like that before). Furthermore it doesn't mean that someone gets infected straight away after a single contact. Sometimes people have sex with a HIV+ person but don't get infected. It can be happen but it isn't a MUST !
I would suggest that you're going to talk to you husband in an open and trustful way. He should tell you the truth and than you both should contact a special hospital to do all the necess. test. Oh btw, an anti-body test is enough to check if someone is infected or not. If the first test is possitive than further tests chkg the viral load, CD4 cells etc etc. BUT please contact a special educated doctor and health service. BOTH TOGETHER !!! HIV infected doesn't mean AIDS or to pass away ! The medicine is very very well developed, better as 10-20 yrs ago !!!
Any further questions...please let me know !
rgds
Jeff
PS: I'm not a doctor !!! In 3 yrs living with HIV next to me I've learned a lot about HIV.
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Jenner
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Reged: 04/24/00
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Posts: 28
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Loc: USA
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My husband tested positive for HIV in July of '99. We'll celebrate 10 years of marriage in July of this year. We have an 8 year old daughter and both she and I are negative. He had a one night stand almost 6 years ago. We've contacted her and she is negative. He's had HIV since before we were married.
Without knowing how long you've been married and how far into the marriage he was tested, it's hard to give you a clear answer on infidelity. But I can say that I don't believe you can be infected in the way you described.
One thing I've learned over the past 18+ months is that it doesn't matter where he got it. The fact is, he has it and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I don't love him any less because he's sick (or because he made a mistake). Granted, I didn't trust him much at first, but we're rebuilding that.
Take care of yourself and good luck. You're welcome to contact me here on The Body.
Jenner
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Thanks for answering...I would still like to hear from some others if anyone else has an opinion.
Jenner, I am having trouble dealing with this because this disease is only obtain through poor choices...if he hadn't stepped outside our marriage he wouldn't have gotten this illness. Our whole lives have changed because of his choice and I can't help but grieve deeply and cry everyday. I still love him and I am committed to raising our children within our marriage but my trust in him is gone. This is probably the last thing I ever thought we would have to be dealing with.
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You've got to be kidding. This guy has sex somewhere else, lies to you about it (I bet he is still lying)Gets HIV and you say you still love him?! And you want to be married to him? How can you trust him? What does he say about loving you? Does he want to be intimate with you? Have you told him how you feel? What is his response?
If you guys are going to be able to make it thru this he has a lot of work to do to make you feel better. And he better figure out that the first step toward you having a great relationship is him being absolutely honest with you about what he did. Only with the truth will you be able to lay this to rest and move on. He needs to be begging forgiveness and putting lots of himself into making sure you know how much he cares for you [if he really does, maybe hes just hanging on because he feels like he has no where else to go ] You don't sound like your angry at him and I hope he realizes that he is one lucky man. Most people I know would have packed his bags for him and tossed them out the door. he needs to get real, real fast!!!!!!
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Jenner
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Communication is the key to ANY relationship. The same day my husband was diagnosed with HIV (& AIDS) I found out he had a one night stand. Without communication and honesty, I would never have stayed with him. It's been a hard journey, horrible at times, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
Jan, your husband is a lucky man. Try not to dwell on the 'how' or 'why' but work on going on from here. You may never know the 'how' or 'why'. If fact, you'll probably never know, but it's okay. At least, it WILL be okay. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I'm finally seeing it. Take care!
Jenner
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Anon., you ask a lot of questions, some I clearly know the answers to and other I am still struggling with. If you are ready for the long answers I'll give them to you.
Yes, I want to be married to this man, even with his diagnosis. I have always loved the man with every part of me. I have always loved him more than he loves me, but I think in most relationships there is one person who feels more than the other. Do I trust him? I'm working on this one. I don't want to be suspicious and angry, that is the kind of person I NEVER want to be but I can't help but have a knot in my stomach when he takes too long to get home or I don't know where he is. It's worse when I am at work because I know that is when most of the illicit activity happened. I'm not going to ask him where he is every minute of the day because in the end it's not worth what it will do to me or him. Jenner says the trust will come back and I'm hoping it will. Does he love me? I'm pretty sure he does. We are the best of friends and that in itself is more than most people can say. During the worst of his bad times over the last two & half years, when he was struggling with depression and a male midlife crisis, he may not have been sure he loved me but I don't think he ever wanted me out of his life. Things had gotten a lot better for us in the last few months and I was really hoping we were past those bad times when the results of his activities at that time came back to haunt us. Do I want to be intimate with him? I think I do. Intimacy, both physical and emotional are very important to me. Now that I am not so terrified of this disease and know that it is possible to be intimate with little to no risk I think we need this in our lives. The question for us is whether HE will want to be intimate and if he doesn't, can I live the rest of my life without physical intimacy. My deepest fears revolve around whether he still finds me attractive in that way. He has been studiously nonsexual with me for a long time and it has done a real number on how I feel about myself. I can't help but look in the mirror and see a person who is aging, (& not as well as I would like)and who needs to be more fit. Maybe that explains his lack of interest, maybe he is interested in someone else, maybe he is just not interested in sexual activity at all...I don't know. This area needs lots of work.
My feelings? I know how I feel. I still love him. His feelings, like I said... I'm pretty sure he loves me. The only thing is that I have bared my soul to him on a couple of occasions about how I feel and mostly I get silence. I've even given him the opportunity to leave this marriage if that is what he wants and I still get silence. The silence is very hurtful and gets to my core. It seems to reinforce every fear I have. When someone shares that kind of deep emotion don't you think they could say SOMETHING back? Even a negative response is better than nothing. His response to all this? He has been tearful, afraid, and regretful. He hasn't said he is sorry, but I'm sure he is terribly sorry to have been caught and to have gotten HIV, I'm hoping he is just as sorry to have brought this into our lives. He hasn't asked for forgiveness even though I have clearly given it. Maybe he thinks I know he's sorry and the words are not necessary. But I can tell you, they are. Confessing is part of the process that allows us to move on. We need that and I need to hear the words.
We were just beginning to get over a bad spot in our marriage when this crisis occurred. My ability to stay with him rests entirely on him. I really need to know he is as committed to this relationship as I am. I want to know he wants to be married because he loves me and wants a life with me and not just because he's afraid to leave or whatever. If he needs to leave we can still stay friends and raise our children in a civil, cooperative way. If he wants to stay I would like a new commitment to us and our future. We will just have to see what happens in the next few months.
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Jenner
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Loc: USA
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Jan,
I want to clarify that the trust will come back if both partners work on it. Right now it doesn't sound like your husband is working on it but give him time. You and he are dealing with your own seperate issues along with your marriage issues. When he's ready to talk he will. If not, well, that's a bridge to cross later.
Our stories sound similar. When my husband was first diagnosed I started a website where I posted a day-to-day journal. You're welcome to visit it at www.familyshoebox.com/family/jenner. There are also other stories of wives of HIV+ husbands on the discussion board.
I haven't written in the journal since Oct. last year. I abandoned the site due to problems with the server. I'm hoping to start another site soon, but you might find it useful all the same.
Take care!
Jenner
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You say you love him more than he loves you. I will say that it certainly looks that way. I'd say he only loves you in the way that someone loves another person they are used to. Doesn't make for a good relationship.
You try and talk and you are met with silence. You say you are the best of friends, I don't see it. Best friends talk, best friends are honest. He has not asked for forgiveness? Yet you forgive him. Why? You excuse his behavior because you say he was depressed and going through mid life male crisis. Lots of men go through depression and 'male mid life crisis' but don't screw around on their wives. He has been studiously non-sexual to you for a long time and you worry about his feelings? You worry that you aren't attractive to him?
HIV is really just a small issue, a by product as it were. He walks all over you and you let him. You give and he takes. He feeds you some story about how he got HIV and expects you to believe it. You seem to feel this is alright as long as he stays with you.
It's time you got angry. It's time you yelled and screamed. It's time you give him some ultimatums. You have that right. The guy screwed around on you and you don't want to make any waves. Why? He might leave you? It might be the best thing for you. The guy is using you. It certainly doesn't seem that he respects you. From what you have told us, it seems you are just a convenience to him.
Just something to think about. I don't know if your children are boys, girls or both. But do you want a daughter to be raised to think that it is OK for a husband to treat her with a total lack of respect the way your husband is treating you? Do you want a son to believe the way your husband is treating you is the way to love, respect and treat a wife?
You need to see a professional. Not him and you. Just you. Again, put HIV aside. You deserve way better than him and probably should have given him the boot a long time ago. Stop being a doormat. It's time to demand basic respect.
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OK Anon. you're a pretty tough character and your ability to see my husband's and my relationship is absolutely amazing...especially since you know only the small piece of information that has been shared here.
You've made some strong statements and recommendations and most of them are wrong. In spite of this crisis my husband and I are dealing with we still have a strong relationship. We had seen a therapist a year or so ago and his assessment of us was that even though we were having problems we still had more than many couples ever have in closeness and respect. Should my husband have done what he did? Absolutely not. He was wrong and he knows it. But are you aware of what the statistics are for infidelity within a marriage in the U.S.? Greater than 55% of all marriages experience one or more episodes of infidelity.
My husband just happened to get HIV when he made the wrong decision. Has he been completely honest with me? Probably not, but at this time I'm not sure he can even be honest with himself. Should I scream and yell and be nasty? Some people obviously think so, but frankly I just don't have it in me at this time, maybe later.
Should I kick him out? Again, some would. But I won't. I still love him and even though he has had a prolonged troubled period we have been married a long time, and the amount of good times clearly outweigh the bad. We have children to raise and I think divorce is hard on kids, even if some people think they will adjust. I know the current research based on studies (of 10 years or more) on kids of divorced families show those kids have certain difficulties in relationships etc. I choose to keep working on my own relationship to give my kids the best future I can.
My husband is still a good man, even though he's brought this into our lives. Show me one marriage that hasn't had some bad times. He's worth saving and so am I.
In case you received the wrong impression, Anon. I am no weak, female pushover. I'm a well educated, well respected woman who owns my own business and is confident in my abilities. Should we seek professional help? Probably, there are tough times ahead and we still haven't resolved all our issues. Outside help may be beneficial to us both, but we would also probably make it OK without it. I think Jenner is a good example. She also dealt with infidelity and is still dealing with the HIV. She seems to think the work it took to get though it was worth it. I think it will be for my husband and I too.
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Jenner
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Jan,
I liked your response to Anon's post. There simply isn't a blanket answer on how to deal with a life altering event. We are each different with our own belief's and needs.
I love my husband. Finding out he had HIV and an affair didn't change that fact. It was clouded by rage and pain for while. But, I wasn't about to make a decision until that cloud passed and I could think clearly.
I have a daughter who loves her daddy very much. How could I look her in the eye years from now and tell her I left her daddy when he needed me the most? How could I tell her that even though I still loved him, I left him? I had to KNOW I was making the right decision, one way or the other. If I stayed or left it had to be for the right reasons.
Something amazing has happened to our relationship, it's better than it was before. It's more real. We're closer than ever. Now don't get me wrong, we worked our butts off to get here and not everyone makes it. Maybe you'll work hard and find out you don't belong together. Maybe you'll work hard and find that you're soul mates. But darn it, if you don't try, you'll never know and you'll always wonder.
I don't like giving anyone false hope, it takes two people to make it work. They both have to invest themselves 100% in the relationship to make it work. If after you try, and try, and try again and he still won't talk or share . . . well . . . you might have to give up. FYI: It took my husband about 3 months to open up to me, which was enough time for me to get my head in order.
Good Luck and take care of yourself. You have friends 'out here' who understand.
Jenner
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Hey Jan,
I can't say I know exactly what you or Jenner have been through.
I do think that while none of us would rather deal with major crisis' in our lives, without them we would not have the opportunity to make major changes in our lives and relationships that can actually lead to better lives and relationships. Sometimes 'disasters' are really blessings in disguise. One of the good things about this disease is it can make us appreciate everything more than we did.
I agree with Jenner. Communication is everything. Keep trying to get your husband to open up, but also as Jenner says if after a while he still refuses, you may have to rethink your position. I also see Anon's point. From the sound of your one post (and yes as your other post pointed out, it is only one part)it doesn't seem as your husband always gives you the basic respect that as his wife you deserve.
Good luck to you and your husband in getting through this time.
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Jan, don't think your husbands silence means he doesn't hear you or doesn't care. Some men, (especially those without a good handle on their own feelings or those who don't express themselves well) just don't know what to say when faced with an emotionally loaded conversation.So they say nothing, and "nothing" is wrong and "nothing" is hurtful. Will he see a therapist to help him epress his thoughts? Is he dealing better with this? Has he started treatment or seen a doctor? All these things will help him work thru the initial fear and grief of the diagnosis. I hope he will soon be able to deal with this and can be a real partner to you.
But I also think he must be honest with himself and with you. My guess is that he got this from a male-to-male encounter(s)and he has compounded his own grief with guilt
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This is a familiar story to me. The details have changed a bit but it's close enough to my own story to make it hard for me to read the pain in Jan's post.
Jan you are way to forgiving and way to nice to this fellow. He took your trust and your love and stomped it in to the ground. He wants everything to be OK because he can't face up to certain facts about himself. Your husband is one of those late blooming bisexuals, maybe even homsexual. I know because mine husband was too.
We were married for 27 years and most of them good years. But something happened as he got older, he could no longer ignore certain urges within himself and he hated himself and the urges. My husband started drinking, had a couple of DUIs and I had no idea what was happening. When he found out he was HIV + I didn't have to be worried about getting it. He hadn't wanted to have sex with me for a long time, in fact just a small suggestion from me that I might be thinking along those lines was enough to have him running out the door for the nearest bar. Our marrage is over now, but we still see each other through our children and his health is quite good. We're polite and friendly and I only regret the last few years of our life together. It's been very difficult and actually I have suffered terribly.I don't wish this on any one but you should know that sometimes it does happen this way. I'm glad to hear you are not weak because if you were this would be even harder for you. Good luck and keep your eyes onthis site. You are generating much good conversation and its probably helping other people too.
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He is not telling you the whole story. If you call the CDC hotline you'll discover that. Or just take a look at the stats. Skin is a pretty effective barrier. Even emergency medical professionals in trauma centers don't get infected through their skin and oftentimes they'll get blood on their skin. So you'll just have to wait for him to tell you the truth. Perhaps it'll take time. YOu should know that the highest risk activity is unprotected anal sex--generally receptive although the person who is the inserter is also at risk. There have not even been many infections through oral sex. So press him for the truth if you must or give him time. But he would make the textbooks if he got infected the way he said he did. By the way, get tested for chlaymdia and other sexually transmitted diseases--cause if he got HIV, he may have gotten other stuff as well.
RR
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