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all i expected was a one night stand
#444 - 03/30/00 12:09 PM
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All i expected was a one night stand.It wasnt going to even be THAT much.but i fell in
love and moved in and things were great.Then our monogamous relationship began to
crumble when i repeatedly caught him with other men.I ended it when i had to get him out
of jail.He was HIV positive the whole 19 months we were together.And the last thing he
said to me as we argued (over the phone no less) was "OH BY THE WAY I GAVE
YOU AIDS"
now six years later i am full blown but healthy.I recently met a wonderful man who i
love.When i realized the feelings i had for him i also realized i HAD TO TELL
HIM.When i did he told me he would be there for me,and since that day i havent seen
him since.I have only talked to him twice.Once a full wek after his own test came back
negative,the other he promised we would "get together to talk on sunday" Sunday has
since came twice and gone and i sill havent heard from him.
I did not pass it to him,I had no intentions of hurting him.I just wonder if telling him is
what changed his feelings for me of there ever were any feelings on his behalf.
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The treachorous waters of love... You tested him and he failed. He seems frightened to
death of you and the virus you carry. THis is why many people only go out with other
positive people! WHO wants to deal with this kind of situation? And this is more typical
than you would think! It is a rare man or woman who would stay with someone who has
health problems. It is rarer to find someone who would do so with someone who could
endanger their health. THIS IS THE REALITY! It's a rough world--unattractive people
don't get dates--physically challenged people don't get picked up in bars, those who are
overweight can't find love, etc. I know a woman who when diagnosed with breast cancer
was abandoned by her husband! She had to deal with this illness and support two small
children. It sounds like you need to protect yourself more than you have been. Don't get
emotionally involved with anyone until you tell them your status! This will lessen the pain if
the inevitable occurs. IT"S NOT YOU HE"S REJECTING--IT"S THE HIV. His actions
just show how weak he is and how afraid and how selfish. If he cared about you as a
friend he would find the courage to admit that he's scared to death--it's not you--it's his
fear of AIDS and getting infected and his fear that you will get sick and he will have to
take care of you.. and all those issues. If he was a mature, responsible good man he
would be honest about his weakness. But he's not. If he really cared about you, he would
apologize for his behavior--and if he can't deal with you he would just say it. There are
many ways he could respond and he has chosen the lowest road--the spineless,
self-centered, inarticulate road. He could THANK YOU for telling him. IT WAS
TRULY THOUGHTFUL AND FAIR! He is being neither thoughtful nor fair.
IT"S NOT YOU! You sound sweet and nice and terribly vulnerable. And it sounds like
you fall in love with bastards. Your friend cares only about himself. You should be angry
at him and his selfishness! But you should also realize that 7 out of 10 men would react as
he--the moral level of most people is pretty low--you should adjust your expectations!
Gary
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Dear Doug:
I agree with Gary - most people have fairly low moral standards and a lot of people have
weak characters. The worst part is that they spend more energy trying to hide these facts
and deceive people than in improving their character. I'm so sorry that you've run into
more than your fair share of such people. You deserve better.
You sound so alone. Do you have close friends or family members you can trust? Have
you considered therapy as a means of exploring issues around relationships? I've spent
some time with bastards myself, but it took me some time to realize that these weren't
chance occurences - I guess I didn't think I was worthy of having someone who loved
and cared for me.
Gary mentioned that perhaps you should lower your expectations because people have
low moral standards. I agree with him in a way, but not altogether. Please don't lower
your expectations regarding the amount of love and commitment and respect you
deserve, but perhaps lower your expectations that people will automatically treat you
with the love and respect you show to them. Trust takes time. Try to move slowly and to
objectively assess whether or not a person is worthy of your love. But please don't lower
your expectations of what you deserve (which is a lot!).
I am now in a solid relationship with a man who is HIV+ (I am negative). It is possible to
make such a relationship work, but it is very difficult. Gary is correct in saying that people
are rejecting your HIV and not you. When I am depressed, I still feel total acceptance
towards my partner, but not towards his HIV. We try to communicate our feelings
openly as much as possible, and I believe this helps us to remain close in spite of our
pressures. This honesty is important to me.
Please always be yourself. I hope you will soon find someone who loves you for this.
Thinking of you,
S
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It has been more than six months now .......I have talked to Michael a few time but he
only shuns me.lets me talk to him but will not talk to me at all. This man has hurt me more
than ANYONE ever has before by telling me that he would be there and that he cared.
All he too wanted was a one night fling.......heck not even that much.
I get told all the time to go find someone else with "it" and stay away from negative men.
Michael has even told several people that i tried to deliberatly infect him too.
I guess I am just meant to be alone, and so far therapy has not helped me. I hate being
alone and I am more and more hating life.
that the update
Doug
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It has been more than six months now .......I have talked to Michael a few time but he
only shuns me.lets me talk to him but will not talk to me at all. This man has hurt me more
than ANYONE ever has before by telling me that he would be there and that he cared.
All he too wanted was a one night fling.......heck not even that much.
I get told all the time to go find someone else with "it" and stay away from negative men.
Michael has even told several people that i tried to deliberatly infect him too.
I guess I am just meant to be alone, and so far therapy has not helped me. I hate being
alone and I am more and more hating life.
that the update
Doug
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