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suicidal feelings
Jun 5, 2012

I'm having certain ghoulish feelings from few days. I feel myself feckless and completely useless. Several times I feel like killing myself. I did my post graduation in Microbiology but i feel that I have forgotten all what I've studied. I had been a very brilliant student but now i sweats on opening any book. I had PML in 1998 which left me quadriplegic and I'm going to recover soon. My wife and child left me due to my paralyzed state and HIV status. At present my parents are taking care of me and soon I'll be expected to work in lieu of my recovery. I have consternation appertain to my future. I fear left alone after few years. We are also not financially sound which restricts me from starting any new thing. I always dream of tribulations hovering me in my dotage. I've lost all confidence due to PML. If possible save me before I do something malicious. I'd always dreamt of doing doctorate and this desire seems to remain unfulfilled and I'm just getting rejection from all universities. Probably my HIV status is a reason for this. Owing to all these I feel like doing suicide number of times but only my responsibility towards my old parents are stifling me from any step. I do not want to make them sad in their dotage. They have sacrificed their 4-5 years for me and it would be a shame if i cannot return anything to them. Please help me and guide me towards right path.

Response from Rev. Brown

My Friend: I am deeply saddened by your sorrow as I read your question. Life at times can through us many curveballs that can have us feel like we are in a valley that is close to impossible to get out of. It is in the moments of our valley experiences that we actually find out the strength and comfort that God provides to us. Even as you are experiencing a tough time I want you to see that God has surrounded you with people who love you and care deeply for you in your parents. I hope and pray that you see the blessings that are around you and the opportunities that lay before you and allow them to be motivators that raise you out of this valley moment to ascending to your mountaintop. Something that always helps me when I am going through tough times is to remember that God said "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning". This reminds us that even though we can have moments and experiences that are tough with each day we are allowed to see is a chance for us to experience something new, to try again, to move forward, and to find happiness, success, and the fulfillment of our dreams. So it is my hope and prayer that with each day you allow the God of all comfort to provide you with joy that you might soar to higher heights.



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