Mar 15, 2012
6 years ago I met and fell in love with a man who had just been diagnosed with full blown AIDS. He had been hospitalized with PCP when he found out. He didn't tell me about this until we formed a friendship and I started falling in love with him. We never had any real intimacy but he always said he loved me. Never wanted to bring anyone into his life with this whole thing and that I should find someone else who could be 100 man. I let him know that I loved him no matter what and that I wanted to be there for him. He was the one who always distanced himself from me. I only wanted to get close. We ended up together on and off for 4 years. We lived together for a year and a half. In between both of our father's died and we were there to support each other through all those emotions and grieving. (I grieve hard.) He never allowed any intimacy into the relationship but he would masturbate to porn nightly. He was sexually abused by a male relative when he was 7 year old. We started counseling and that was the beginning of the end. He ran away from the relationship after only a few short sessions and moved out. I never wanted the break up. I was devastated and joined a few support groups and went to counseling to try to get me through. I feel like he died. One minute we were sharing our lives together, the next minute he's completely gone. I thought that our feelings went deeper than anything physical and although I wanted the intimacy, what I really wanted was a commitment and marriage. He couldn't or wouldn't give me either. I was so sick after the break up. But I left him alone. I was hoping that after some time apart, he would miss me and realize what he had lost. I was a great companion, and a very loving, supportive person in his life. But when he got in touch with me several months later and I tried interacting with him as a friend, I still wanted more and ended up telling him that I couldn't be just friends with him. That he couldn't call me anymore unless he was willing to make me an "important part of his life." Well, the break up was 2 years ago and the last conversation was 1 year ago. I still miss him in my life. I've tried dating others. I've gone back to school and I have a full time job. I have tried counseling andsupport groups. I have many, many friends. But still he is the one. And I think about how short life is and I wonder if I did the right thing. If I should call just to say hi and see how he is. To let him know that I'll be there if he ever needs me because I would. I can't seem to get closure on this relationship. I will regret not having him in my life if something happens to him. Others have seen him and have told me. I remain close to one of his sister's. He even lost his mother 3 months after we broke up. Help! I have prayed and prayed for him to either come back in to my life or for God to remove this obsession. Still I want to be with him and nothing changes.
Response from Rev. Brown
Dear Broken Up: As I read your letter I feel your pain of possibly losing a relationship that means so much to you. One can really see how much this individual means to you and the love that you have for them. You can tell that there has been a lot of love shared between the two of you. One of the hardest things to deal with in relationships is when relationships change, as often times relationships don't end they change due to a number of different variables. The hard part is how we handle the change. I believe that as I read your question that there is a change that occured the thing is that the change was never handled properly and thus there is no real closure or acceptance of what the change is because it was never fully communicated. I think both of you can have a great relationship if the two of you have a conversation about the relationship and what you both desire and what will work best for the both of you. I see that you desire the ultimate commitment of marriage, but he may not due to his diagnosis of AIDS. Often times individuals who are HIV positive shy away from marriage because they don't know how long they will be able to enjoy the marriage relationship. So if it is a thing of fear of marriage you must ask what type of compromise are you willing to make so that you can enjoy the loving relationship you all have had and continue to build on that. I would say call them and see how they have been and see if they are willing to have a heart to heart conversation about how the two of you feel towards each other and then go from there.
wondering how to cope
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