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Very scared and sad, please help me
Mar 5, 2012

Hello. I'm crying as I'm writing to you, so please bear with me. I'm 27 years old and male. I always felt very lonely in my life and always played by the rules (got good grades, didn't abuse drugs, didn't have sex, etc.) Yet I was still criticized for everything and was very, very unhappy. Finally, several years ago I just flaked out and, after I realized I'm bisexual, embarked on a few relationships. A few were unsafe, but I just wanted to be loved so badly and to trust someone so badly...anyway a few years ago, I met the woman of my dreams and got married...we have a wonderful marriage...however, I was recently diagnosed with HIV. I am on medications and am very 'religious' about taking them. Everyone tells me that I am healthy and can look forward to a long life. My wife supports me and loves me (she is negative, thank God), but there's a gulf in our lives (she won't sleep in the same bed or drink from the same glass or kiss me on the lips). Everyone tells me that HIV/AIDS is no longer considered a terminal illness, but a chronic, manageable condition. I'm just so scared and feel I can't do anything right. When I played by the rules, everyone mocked me and criticized me because I wasn't perfect...I slip and get HIV. I can't talk to anyone about all this (except at therapy sessions, which I have just started). I don't want to die or get sick. I'm so paranoid about every little twitch and ache now...and I get tired easily. I believe in God and love God and pray...but I feel somewhat cheated (not by God). Just when things were looking up, I get this diagnosis. Especially when we have been planning a long life together with children. All I ever wanted was to be happy and loved. I try to trust my doctors when they say I can plan for a long, long future and not be so paranoid...but I have a hard time trusting people. And I feel so scared and so alone. Anything you could offer would be appreciated. God bless you.

Response from Rev. Brown

Dear Friend: I would like to encourage you by letting you know that your feelings are right and true. The feelings you are having are usually the feelings that come with finding out that you are positive. Because you believe in God, I want to assure you that you are not alone as God promises to always be with us no matter the circumstances of life. As I read your comments I do hear an individual who is happy, but is trying to learn to cope with finding out that they are positive and trying to navigate all that comes with being positive. I do want to assure you that your doctors are telling you the right thing, that as long as you adhere to your regime of medications, and other prescribed actions by your doctors you should be able to live a long healthy life. With your wife, give her time to process as from what you have described it seems as though she is trying to come to grips with what all of this means for her as well. I would encourage you to be open and honest with her and your feelings, and allow her to be open and honest with you as it pertains to her feelings. Lastly remember that the joy of the Lord is our strength, and the strength of the Lord is our joy. That is something that I was carry dear to me when I go through tough times, and I hope that it can ease some of the axieties and give you the assurance that happiness is available to you.

Lost friend
How to stop punishing ourselves?

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