|Why was I given this particular life?
Feb 16, 1999
It seems I was born into my situation on purpose becase I don't remember feeling other than I have felt all my life, ever! My childhood "conditioning" seems to have been for me to always feel "dirty" about my sexualality. Why did God give me that experience? What does he expect me to do with it? I am now hurting a loving husband because I cannot tolerate sexual touching. I have prayed and prayed to be able to feel differently. I have tried all therapies except hypnosis. I am a 53 year old female in good health physically. Why won't God let me overcome this aversion to sex. Does he want me to abandon my husband and become a nun? I do not want to. Am I resisting what God wants? Am I too self-willed and selfish? Is that what God gave me life for, to overcome? I feel so unloved by God because I am unable to experience sex willingly. Why did he give me a female body? Why is he punishing me?
Response from Father DeMartini
Dear friend---Your cries for understanding and relief deserve a response that brings release from this pain. I hear your frustration and anger toward God and your belief that God is testing you or punishing you. Perhaps God is giving you a voice and determination to move through this pain and be able to experience your body and relationship with your husband as gift and a good. I am neither a doctor or therapist but I wonder if the disconnection you feel with your body has to do more with what you learned growing up than with any plan of God to "force" you to become a nun. Sometimes our anger and resentments and disappointments affect us physically and emotionally for many years--we know that stress can cause ulcers and heart conditions among other things--and that negative messages can lead us to dislike and even hate the body and gift of sexuality that God gives us. I encourage you to find a woman religious who may be able to help you talk more about your feeling and fears--if you would be willing to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and tell me where you are from, I may be able to suggest someone for you to contact. In the meanwhile, I will keep you in my prayers, that you can find a way through this pain and heavy burden you have been bearing in your life. Blessings, Fr. Rod
Guilt and grief destroying my life
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