|LOSING FAITH, DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN
Jun 30, 2000
HI FATHER,MY NAME IS EVAN AND I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE HIV.MY ONLY POSSIBLE EXPOSURE WAS IN 86' OR 87'.I WAS TESTED THE FIRST TIME IN 91',NEGATIVE!! I HAVE TESTED 3 MORE TIMES SINCE THEN. ALL THIS YEAR,2 MORE ANTIBODY TESTS AND AN HIV-1 DNA BY PCR, ALL NEGATIVE !!. THE MAIN REASON I KEEP ON TESTING , IS BECAUSE I AM VERY SICK AND I AM CONTINUING TO WORSEN. I HAVE SEEN NUMEROUS DR'S, BUT NONE OF THEM CAN DETERMINE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I HAVE HORRIBLE NASAL CONGESTION AND DIZZINESS WHICH HAS COMPLETELY RUINED MY LIFE. I CANNOT TAKE SHOWERS ANYMORE,CAN BARELY BATHE MYSELF!!,I ALSO HAVE DIFFICULTY WALKING AND KEEPING MY BALANCE.I HAVE OTHER SYMPTOMS TOO,BUT THESE ARE BY FAR THE WORST!! I CAN NO LONGER HOLD DOWN A JOB EITHER. I HAVE PRAYED TO GOD TO PLEASE HELP ME OR IF NOT JUST TAKE ME NOW BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY ANY LONGER. BUT I CONTINUE TO WORSEN. I WANT TO GO TO CHURCH TO PRAY,BUT I AM TO SICK TO EVEN DO THAT.I AM SEVERELY DEPRESSED AND I AM TIRED OF JUST 'EXISTING'.IT SEEMS GOD DOESNT WANT ME TO LIVE OR DIE. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND ASK GOD TO HELP ME. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN GO ON THIS WAY. PLEASE WRITE BACK IF YOU CAN, I AM SORRY IF I HAVE BOTHERED YOU. THANK YOU FATHER FOR YOUR TIME. SINCERELY, LOSING FAITH.
Response from Father DeMartini
Dear Evan---Thank you for writing. First of all, I want to assure you that your letter is not a bother and that I will keep you in my prayers and ask you to keep me in yours. When you say that you have been tested many times and the results continue to be negative, I also notice that you still believe you have HIV. I am not a medical doctor but as a spiritual advisor I suggest that perhaps there is something that you did or experienced that you believe may have put you at risk for HIV. Perhaps you are struggling to make peace with God and to give this burden to God so you can know God's forgiveness, to know that God loves you and all of us without condition. I would be willing to help you find a priest or parish minister with whom you might talk about what happened in 86 or 87. Perhaps in making peace and letting go of this burden you can experience some relief from the physical distresses you experience. You can contact me direct at firstname.lastname@example.org and I can try to help you find someone to talk to. You are in my prayers, Fr. Rod
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