|Mad at God
Apr 5, 2000
My spouse is +, I am -. We have been married many years. My husband is not sure where he got the disease. He had a very wild youth and a couple of affairs soon after our marriage when we hit some rough spots. I was raised in church and have known Jesus most of my life, though I'm only a saint through His blood, not my own. My husband met Him not long before we were married. We were both very close to God when we got married. Then life began to happen and he drifted away, though he still believed and would occasionally wander at least part of the way back. He knows how I feel, though I don't stick it in his face all the time or anything. Now I would be afraid to, since any mention of God may send him into a fit of blasphemy. We did have a quiet talk about God a few weeks ago and he told me he does not believe in God anymore, that it's fine if it works for me, but he wants no part of it. This just about broke my heart. He has so much rage and guilt built up inside him I know that only God can heal it. He has been in a depression for years now, mostly about his disease. He is on all kinds of psychiatric meds along with his HIV meds. They aren't helping. I have thought of leaving him because it's been so bad lately. But, I can't. I don't believe that's what God wants me to do. Yet I need some help. Please pray he finds his way home.
Response from Father DeMartini
Dear Friend---As I read your letter I am moved by your spirit of faith and your commitment to your husband despite the different paths which your lives has taken. At the same time, I am concerned about the stress on your spirit and body and I encourage you to consider finding someone to talk to who can provide some counsel and support. I believe that God's healing love often comes through human instruments -- these may be people in the helping professions such as doctors and counselors and sometimes these are people in loving relationships such as spouses and friends. I can hear your determination in standing by your husband "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health" and I hope that you will also take necessary steps to express your own anger, sadness and disappointments to another trusted person so that these do not overwhelm you and make you ill in spirit or body. I keep you and your spouse in my prayers. Fr. Rod
finding faith and discipline in the gay world
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