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should I stay or should I go?
Apr 22, 1998

PLease help ME! I'm a graduate student who is engaged to a man I thought loved me. I went out of town for research, and came back to find out he has been developing strong feelings for someone else. He says he

hasn't done anything about it, and this girl was a friend

of mine who was using our "friendship" to get close to him.

We agreed to work it out on 4 conditions: 1) he did not

lie to me about what was going on (he didn't want to hurt

me and wanted to keep it inside) 2) He did not see her

anymore 3) we got conseling and worked on his recent

issues of depression. FOr you see about that time he started sleeping all the time, drinking (which he never had done before), not caring about his appearence, and begging me to stay.

After a week I decided to trust him again and I believe

that he is my God given mate. He lied to me and saw her.

I found out from his mother. Who wants to be involved in

this more than she should. She's on heavy mind drugs and

views Andrew as her only thing in life. I know he's a little

gun shy of marriage which, is why I'm not rushing it at all.

I told him we should not beengaged right now. His friends

have mostly twisted relationships and bad marraiges.

When I was away one of his friends (the brother of this

other girl), got married to a woman he openly admits he d oesn't love just because he wants a family. I know he's freaked. He also never dated anyone but me before and I know this girl's attentions are flattering. I don't know what to do. I know in my heart God has meant him to be my life mate. We sued to talk and be best friends. When this happened it was so unexpected and I wanted to goto conseling and figure out what went wrong. She doesn't

call him and he doesn't call her. He tell me he loves me

more than life and wants to be with me. I want to know

what God wants and want is going to happen. I don't

want to leave him--I hurt so much.

Deep Pain in Dayton

Response from Rev. Pieters

I'm truly sorry for your hurt, but from the way you describe your situation, it sounds as if there's going to be more trouble rather than less. Unless, of course, he comes to understand, as you already do, that you both need help.

If you can manage to get him into therapy or counseling, healing of your relationship is possible. But if he's not willing to invest the time and energy in working out the problems between you, I would certainly re-evaluate whether this relationship is God's will for your life. Do you really believe that God would want you in a destructive relationship?

I hope that you seek counseling too, with or without him. You may want to look at why you're drawn to such a challenging relationship. In examining your own issues, you may get greater clarity about what to do with this relationship.

God is loving and life-giving, and I believe wants us to experience that through those around us, particularly our most intimate companions. If someone is not behaving lovingly, and the relationship becomes a destructive, painful experience, I believe that God has something better, and more life-giving, in store.



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