Could I use a second opinion. My good friend is HIV+ for 8 years, I've known for three and have been the only one outside of his parents he has trusted to tell. It has been important to me to be there for him, support him and show through my actions that I love the who not the what and I will be there for him for whatever. Before telling me, he was in denial about the virus. We have gotten medical care, involved in counseling and I've tried to get him thinking about the future, because he can have one, if he chooses. This past year however has been hell. He can't hold a job (not medical), alienates his family, used and dealt drugs and generally thinks of the world in terms of himself. He won't go for counseling, misses his medical appts and only takes his medication sporadically. The lies are becoming second nature to him. I love him so much, he has such a potential to be a great person but I no longer know what I can do. I can't live his life, I can't make him do the right things. I can only let him know that I love him and will be there for him, but I can't support his destructive behaviors. His attitude and drugs will kill him sooner than need ever be. I would do anything for him but it is a fine line between a friend and someone who enables someone to continue in destructive behavior. If you can offer any suggestions as to how I might be able to reach out to him, I would greatly appreciate it. It hurts to watch him destroy the few relationships he has (his mom and me) with people who will stay beside him. I also know that people have to want to be helped or to change but it doesn't make it easier on us who can only stand by and hope that it happens before it is too late. In the middle of this year (when I thought he had hit bottom), he "found God" and became more positive, focused, interested in his care and planning for the future. But as time went by, he reverted back to his old behaviors - lying, drugs everything in the "me" perspective. I can't seem to affect or sway him any more. It is easier for him to be with "surface" friends who don't know his status and aren't real friends than to deal with me. He can't pretend with me. Do you have any insight, words of wisdom or encouragement?? I could use some. His mom and I get along quite well and we are both quite hurt by all that has occurred. For all of my pain it must be worse for a Mother to watch her son self-destruct. I know he is angry and scared, but he has to want to do something about it or for himself. I can't force myself inside his life.

And you can't force him to quit his self-destructive ways. You can "plant the seed," i.e., let him know that help is available, that he doesn't have to live life this way. Perhaps he needs to hear from a recovering drug addict. There's nothing like one addict to reach another. The best way to access that kind of help is through one of the twelve-step programs such as "Narcotics Anonymous" or through an chemical dependency treatment clinic.

Meanwhile, I hope you seek help for yourself. You sound extremely frustrated and pained by this situation. You could use friends who have been through it themselves, and can understand exactly what you're going through. You can find these friends through twelve-step groups for those who love addicts or alcoholics, such as "Narc-Anon" or "Al-Anon." Check your local phone book for groups in your area. I highly encourage you and your friend's mother to make this call today. You will find understanding, and you will also find ways of coping that have worked for many others who care about addicted people.

They will probably teach you something about "tough love," and "detachment." These are coping skills which can not only preserve your sanity, but may help your addict realize his own illness. Tough love means you don't rescue the addict, or make his behavior easy, or create excuses for him. You're right: addicts do have to want help, and have to want to change. You can help them realize a desire to change by not cushioning their "bottoming out."

Please get help for yourself today. This is the first step towards getting your beloved addict help for his problems. And with HIV, getting help for addiction is a matter of life and death. Living well with HIV demands a compliance in medications and a level of self-care which drug or alcohol abuse does not allow.

Again, your first step is to get help for yourself, so that you can help your friend from a place of strength. God bless you, your friend, and his mother.