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i need your help, please,
Mar 19, 1999

Rev. Pieters, 3 years ago i endeda 17 year relationship, and have been alone eversince. during the time my relationship was ending my best friend Sue was diagnosed with a brain tumor and shortly after died. during the same year my father died from lung cancer, then my brother died and we burried him on my fathers birthday. then i met shawn, i immediately found myself attracted to him but i knew he was hiv+. we lost contact and just recently i found him again after 2 yrs. during the short time we have been seeing each other i have fallen completely in love with him, but---i don't think i could deal with the thoughts of loseing someone to death again. as you have probably guessed i am a male and gay. i want to be with him so bad but there is the age difference, i'm 47 and hes 29. i have lived a life to the fullest and as god is my witness i wish i could give up my life so shawn could live out his. hes so young and still has so much to experience in this wonderful life that god has given us. i feel so helpless knowing there is nothing i can do to stop this diease that i know will eventually take his life. if only i could end my life with him because i do love him and don't want to continue down the path that god has designed for me without him by my side. i feel so helpless and i'm sure shawn doesn't know how i feel. i know that god said the end will come like a thief in the night and u will know nothing of it, heaven will provide a haven for the ones who believe. well, i believe in gods love, but i can't stand the thoughts of loseing something i love to death. dieing is a rebirth but what about the people they leave behind? why do i now feel like i need someone in my life. i know god is there with me and i ask him to comfort me but i have this feeling of doom inside and i'm scared. scared of loving and having it taken away again. sometimes i wish god would just take me away from all this pain and set my soul free from its earthly bonds. i sit here crying because i know god loves me, but what about shawn? i want him to have so much hapiness. god gave his son so we could find peace within ourselves and a way to him. please pray for shawn, i love him so. and i will pray for you. i ask nothing for myself, only for the ones who suffer with any diease that takes the meaning out of what life is to be lived for. i cry for the children, i cry for the adults and i cry for shawn whom i love with all my heart. WHEN WILL THIS END.

Response from Rev. Pieters

The pain in your letter is enormous. Of course, you're scared of getting involved with someone who could die after all you've been through. But which human being could you get involved with who couldn't die? None of us have any guarantees that we will be here tomorrow.

All any of us have is today, and today you love this man. That is good, and to be honored, and nurtured, and enjoyed. Are you going to throw away the love that God is giving you? You need hope, brother, and hope comes from faith, love, and action. Stop your thoughts about tragedy with thoughts of determination, confidence, and joy, and get busy loving. Easier said than done, I know, but the rewards come to those who do it... you have reason to have hope! You have love in your life today. Cherish it.



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