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How do I help without being presumptuous?
Apr 8, 1997
I have a friend who is the poster child for risky behavior. Many things in his life lead me to believe that he is fighting this horrible disease, but he is not open at all about his situation. I would like to be respectful of his wishes to keep it private, but the last thing I want to do is turn away from him in his time of need. I want so much to be a support and a strength to him, but I don't want to intrude on him either. Are there any places where I might be able to explain the situation more fully and find out if I am just being paranoid about his condition or if I am not, if there is any thing at all that I can do for him without being too presumptuous? Thank you so much for your advice!!
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Response from Rev. Pieters
If you are close enough to him to address these issues directly, then do so. In a private space, share with him the fact that you don't want to intrude, but you care enough to be concerned. Be ready to share the facts of HIV transmission and prevention. If he is willing, make sure he knows the facts. Make sure he realizes it's a question of life and death, no matter the recent medical progress. People still die from HIV infection. Also make sure he knows you're a friend and that you care no matter what happens.
After you've done all you can to provide him with the information and encouragement he may need, let it go. You've planted the seed. It is his responsibility to follow through. If he doesn't, and continues to exhibit risky behavior, remember that the only person you can really change is you. So your challenge is to decide how you want to continue this friendship: given his risky behavior and your knowledge of it, can you continue to love him anyway? What does it mean to love someone whose behavior you feel is self-destructive? In my mind, it means you detach enough from him to let him behave as he will, but you do not facilitate that behavior. Let him realize that his behavior is his decision, but he must realize and accept the consequences.
I suggest you seek out a professional counselor who is familiar with the issues of HIV prevention. Talk to this counselor yourself, sharing your concerns, and realizing the first person you have to work on is you. You can find such a counselor through a local HIV/AIDS social service agency or hotline.
Thanks for your question and your concern, and God bless you!
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