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Wanting to be closer to God
May 29, 2000
I have drifted away from my spiritual path, and I feel empty and guilty for not being closer to my 'Father' on a daily basis. I have known for years (since a child) that God has provided for me, and give many miracles of life for me. I want to get back to track, and want God to know that I am here, and do love him very much. Even though I am not a religious person, I feel very spiritual, and believe in the saying of Jesus Christ, and I know the the Christ-Potential lives within me. I have had so many demonstrations of God's love, and yet, I turn away! I honestly want to make the choice to have God as my 'Father', and not plead nor ask for love and guidance. I have such a fear of 'death', and as a person with AIDS, I know that my life span is less than a regular persons. I used to say 'I want a terminal illness, because if I died by heart attack or auto accident, I would go to hell. If terminal illness, I would have time for healing and redemption. It all sounds so 'sick' to me, and my fears make me feel that I really lack faith in God's love of his child. Anything that you could offer would be appreciated because I do know the truth, but need help in making the choice that God is love, and not hate, and hell is in the mind causing me daily pain and mistakes. Thank you for listening, and I ask for your prayers and assistance to finding my way back 'home' to God. Sincerely,
Jerry N.
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Response from Father DeMartini
Dear Jerry,
Thank you for your letter. I think that you have taken an important first step in regaining your spiritual path by simply wanting to do this. It will be your commitment to this task and your openness to God's help and the support of others that will enable you to achieve this goal. You mention that you want God to know you are here and love Him -- I suggest that you take some personal time each day to have a conversation with your Friend and Creator, talk to God as you would your true love and best friend -- holding nothing back, not even your fear of having hurt or disappointed him. Then the key thing is to really listen to God's response remembering that Scripture tells us that this response is in the tiny whispering breeze. No matter what you have ever wanted that now seems crazy and ungrateful, God loves you and God's only desire is for you to accept that love and care. You are in my prayers, Fr. Rod
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