I used to regard myself as spiritual. I'm not sure if I really was, but it seemed to require such a small investment... just say it. What else matters? Today I am past any illusions created to mask my fears./ With the possibility that now each decision really does have life-or-death consequences, each med chosen, each hour that ticks by is disorienting and not a little terrifying. I thought I had so much figured out but not anymore. Every day seems new to me now. I thought I had a handle on it (I know I didn't really, of course), but now it has gotten away from me again. If you push against the sides of something long enough, no matter how awful it feels, no matter how frightening it may be, you get to know it. A kind of understanding begins to shape. But now nothing is familiar again, and the sides are somewhere I can't even find, let alone understand and identify.

"Spiritual" to me means believing in something beyond yourself, a "Higher Power" as twelve step programs talk about it, or "God" as many religions call it. When my body was wasted, my energy was gone, and I was approaching death, there wasn't anything left to believe in on earth. I became very grateful for my faith, which sustained me through my near-death experience. Some people reject their own sense of spirituality because they just don't understand how it works. I don't understand how electricity works: why does a light go on overhead when I flip a switch on an outside wall? I don't understand it, but I trust that it will work, most of the time. Similarly, we don't have to understand spirituality to practice it. What do you believe in? When you're feeling that nothing is familiar, it certainly helps to believe in something beyond yourself. Some people in your situation discover their spirituality by "acting as if" they are spiritual. Take it on as an acting exercise: you are going to "try on" the role of a spiritual person. You're going to act as if you believe in something beyond yourself. If you act the part long enough, you can discover the reality beneath the role-playing. A major part of spirituality is simply the search for meaning, and from your paragraph, it seems to me that you're already on that search. You may be more spiritual than you're giving yourself credit for! At any rate, keep seeking, keep trying, keep believing in something. There are many different spiritual paths. I have found the Christian path to be particularly meaningful in my life. But there are many different spiritual paths. Explore different spiritualities and see if you don't find your truths expressed meaningfully. It's worth the effort! I don't know how I would have survived all I did without faith. You're in my prayers!