Jun 9, 2010
Ive been thinking about suicide alot, Ive been looking at cass Manns videos and I have to admit he knows what he is talking about. Its sad he has passed away. My problem is my energy is nonexistant, I have been taking my medication but the joy of living is gone, i find myself in a wierd sate of mind all the time, I have neighbors who are rednecks, they arent aware of my situation they only know I had menegitis, they come around everyonce in while drinking beers and joking around, I have become somewhat introverted and I used to have a succesful career in construction. i do recieve ssdi and have been since 07 but I really dont want to live like this. ive been to couselling and noticed they treat you like a baby...like ooooh lets see how we can help when I know they are just shrinks and talk till your blue in the face. They dont have the illness so how could they possibly know what its like? I have cognitive damage due to HIV and mengitis and Im really thinking about ending it. cass Mann talked about how many HIVers experience groundhog days and I can relate totally.....the change never occurs because doors are closed to opportunities..If you cant process information correctly you are SOL and Ive noticed that....I have been trying to see the bright side but when all it is is one problem after another its really not worth it. I have been thinking about suicide too much and my obsession with my illness has really taken over my life. I wouldnt wish this disease on Bin laden. This has to be the worst way of slow suicide I can imagine. It pisses me off all the glitter ads they have showing HIV is manigable with one pill a day. Thats bullshit, if the showed the real face of HIV on the ads Im sure they wouldnt be making so much money on their pharmaceuticals. I will admit at least it prolongs life but at what cost, eventually dementia may take over and Ill end up in some institution where some skanky nurse is feeding me....all I have to say is fuck that shit....Im suprised more people havent gone postal or checked themselves out with this shit hole disease. Was that a question?
Response from Dr. Henry
You paint a very troublesome portrait of how poorly you are feeling and your concerns for the future. In most cases, aggressive symptoms and depression management with a sympathetic HIV provider (and often a psychiatrist) can make the situation more tolerable though your points and frustration are noted with shared frustration. Thanks for sharing your situation with this site. KH
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