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Safe sex with older men?

Aug 28, 1996

How can you get a condom to stay on when your guy has a hard time keeping an erection? Are there any other alternatives for having safe sex, orally, vaginally, and anally, thta will protect two lovers?

Response from Mr. Sowadsky

Hi. Thank you for your question.

If a man cannot keep an erection, the condom will usually not stay on. This could understandably lead to difficulties.

In terms of practicing safer sex without a condom, there are some alternatives to condoms. As far as giving oral sex is concerned, if you can't use condoms at all, at the very least, don't let the guy cum in your mouth. The less you allow pre-cum and semen to get in your mouth, the less the chance of infection.

Also, if a man is not wearing a condom, before giving him oral sex, "LOOK BEFORE YOU LICK". If you see any type of lesions, growths or discharge on the guys penis, that's natures way of telling you to hold off. These symptoms can be due to numerous Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD's), and physical contact with them can lead to infection. A guy can have a disease and have no symptoms at all, but if you see something that doesn't belong there, don't touch it! Of course having oral sex without protection will still have some element of risk, since a person can have an STD and have no symptoms. But looking before you lick, and not letting the guy cum in your mouth will significantly reduce your risk.

As to protection during vaginal intercourse, the woman can use a "female condom". These condoms are made out of a material called polyurethane, and can be inserted into the vagina prior to intercourse. They are an alternative to the male condom. They offer less protection than the standard male condom, but they can still reduce the chances of HIV and other Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD's). They definetely offer better protection than using no condom at all.

As for anal intercourse, it has been suggested to use the "female condom" for this as well. However, I must stress here that these condoms are large in size, and may be very difficult to insert anally in many people. Also, the "female condom" has been tested for vaginal intercourse only, not anal intercourse. We cannot say how effective the would be for anal intercourse.

These are your options if a man cannot use a regular male condom due to lack of an erection. I must add that there's much more to sex than penetration. There are many ways of having sexual satisfaction that don't involve intercourse. But the ideas above should give you some options should you desire to have intercourse or oral sex, in men who cannot maintain an erection.

If you have further questions, please e-mail me at "" or call me at 1-800-842-AIDS.

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