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Dumb decisions

Aug 31, 2018

I have seen similar questions asked but non exactly the same. I'll keep it short though.

Two nights ago I engaged in a sexual act with a questionable person that I had no idea of their history. During the sexual act, oral sex was given and received without protection for extended periods of time( maybe 10 min at a time) then she was on top of me with rubbing of her vagina on my penis but no penetration. She quickly tried for penetration but I stopped her for the use of a condom, which is where I am worried. Would that contact between the head of my penis and her vagina cause enough exposure for something to be passed? There was not much bodily fluids during the whole time.

There was no visible sores or issues that I noticed.

Then a condom was put on and penetration was attempted but to the help of alcohol did not work. Tried for maybe 5 min then went back to some more unprotected oral, giving and recieving, before finishing the session.

After the session. She left quickly ( possibly regretting the act) I cleaned up thoroughly and showered. She had a very relaxed attitude about STDs and made a few comments that worried me a lot.

This is not a common thing with me and this was the first time with a questionable individual. I am very embarrassed and the anxiety is extremely overwhelming.

Other than the first question I would like to know,

What am I at risk for? Hiv, hsv, clamidia. Etc......

When should I get tested and what tests should i ask for?

I also am a type 1 diabetic, does this put me at a greater risk?

Any tips on how to deal with unknowing of what you may have?

The internet is really no help other than making me feel a lot worse about the whole issue.

Response from Mr. Jacobs

One of the things that saddens me about reading these questions is how frequently a potentially joyful and pleasurable sexual experience is mired in regret, fear, anxiety, and self recrimination for being "dumb" in some way. Sexuality and erotic contact are some of the most beautiful and healthy ways for two (or more) people to connect. But we live in a world that has informed so many of us that doing so inevitably leads to punishment, pain, disaster, shame.

I don't know what "questionable" means, but I get that you don't know this person very well. Yet you had your reasons for getting together. You mention alcohol was involved but in my experience alcohol doesn't CAUSE desire, alcohol lowers our inhibitions about acting on desire. It seems to me like you wanted to connect with her, experience sexual intimacy with her, give and receive pleasure with her. That is a wonderful healthy human craving! There is no reason for you to be embarrassed or ashamed about pursuing pleasure with another consenting adult.

Since you read this column, you already know that there is no risk of HIV involved from what you are reporting. HIV cannot be transmitted just by rubbing genitals, it must transmitted from the mucous membranes of one person directly into the mucous membranes of another generally through sexual intercourse or IV drug use.

As far as the all the other STIs in the alphabet, the potential risks could be from the oral sex you described. If she had an STI of some sort, and you went down on her for any length of time, that theoretically could put you at some risk for contracting an STI. It is far more likely to contract an STI from giving oral than from simply rubbing genitals briefly.

But all of that entails some very big "IFs". That would be IF she did have an untreated STI. And even IF she had an untreated STI there is no guarantee you would have acquired it during oral sex. Your diabetes does not put you at any more or less risk for contracting an STI.

Now I ask you -- How often do you go out to eat? Do you ever enjoy eating food cooked by others? Do you like to eat different foods in different restaurants? When you go on vacation do you like to explore local dishes? And have you ever experienced any illness or intestinal distress as a result of eating someone else's cooking?

In the United States alone 48 million people get sick every year from foodborne illnesses, 128,000 are hospitalized, and 3,000 die. These are tragic numbers, as no one deserves to get hurt while doing something they enjoy. But what percentage of this 48 million people felt ashamed, embarrassed, overwhelmed, and stigmatized as a result of enjoying pleasurable food? I'm guessing not many.

When it comes to sex and sexuality we often apply a cruel set of standards that we don't apply to eating, traveling, playing sports, riding roller coasters, riding a bike, surfing, hiking, or any other activity that enriches the human experience of being alive. So why do this for sex?

You have a right to a sex life that is fun, enjoyable, consensual, and free of overwhelming anxiety. The best way I can advise you to do this is to get tested for all the STIs you are afraid of. You likely do not have any STIs but if you did, approach treating them the same way you would approach dealing with food poisoning. You listen to your doctor, you get treated, you move on.

I hope this information enables you to have the quantity and quality of sexual connections that you desire and that you deserve.

Enjoy!



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