Daughters avoiding hiv+ dad
Apr 29, 2014
Hello, My boyfriend has been positive for a long time. (We are both hetero and do not do drugs). He -- i'll call him Dan-- found out about his status when he was married and took a blood test for life insurance after he and his wife just had 2 baby girls. About 10 years ago, when his girls reached about 11 and 15 years of age, Dan's then-friend who I'll call Evil and his wife maliciously disclosed Dan's health status to his girls. His girls have avoided Dan since then like the plague-- no contact whatsoever. They are now both married with kids and Dan was not invited --not even informed-- of the weddings, and of the childbirths. Dan found out by keeping in touch with Evil, who it turns out walked his girls down the isle without Dan's knowledge nor consent. Evil disclosed the events casually to Dan as if talking to an outside acquaintance. And all this information came only after Dan had each time initiated the call or text to stay in touch since he (Evil) and his wife had taken the girls in during this 10 year period, which Dan says was for Mr. & Mrs. Evil to have free babysitter's for the 6 kids they had adopted. Dan found out by text a few weeks ago about the birth of his newest granddaughter, again casually from Evil, who even bragged about it and texted Dan a picture of the baby. And only after Dan initiated the text asking how he and his family were. I am astounded by the brutal treatment Dan has been getting from his own daughters and from Evil. He is naturally very depressed. There seems to be a grave injustice done here to Dan. There seems to even be a crime for alienating a parent from his kids. I have never met his daughters. What is the best way to approach this? The daughters seem to have been poisoned with fear about hiv. Are there good articles to send them for them to hopefully erase their fears and start letting their father back into their lives?
Response from Ms. Southall
Hi I'm so sorry to hear about this. I went through the same thing with my husbands ex wife finding out about my status and she told his sons before we had a chance to. I'm lucky that the boys did not change how they interact with me or my husband.
Though it is incredibly difficult, I would just say to give them time and they will come around. Keeping him healthy both mentally and physically is incredibly important to lead him to a healthy life. This is just my opinion, but I would recommend stepping away and letting the kids decide for themselves when to reapproach him. They may never come around but who knows they may reach a point of wanting to reach out. Seeing him flourish and move on may be enough for them to see he is not to be afraid of. They may be distancing themselves thinking they are going to lose him and don't want to be as strongly affected if they were so very close to him.
I think just proceeding with life, being healthy and happy they may want to come back into the fold. It's incredibly difficult for those of us living with HIV to deal with disclosure and it's incredibly hurtful when it's taken out of our hands. But showing that we are able to surround ourselves with those that love and support is the most important thing.
Be well and stay safe, Shannon
Get Email Notifications When This Forum Updates or Subscribe With RSS
This forum is designed for educational purposes only, and experts are not rendering medical, mental health, legal or other professional advice or services. If you have or suspect you may have a medical, mental health, legal or other problem that requires advice, consult your own caregiver, attorney or other qualified professional.
Experts appearing on this page are independent and are solely responsible for editing and fact-checking their material. Neither TheBody.com nor any advertiser is the publisher or speaker of posted visitors' questions or the experts' material.