I recently lost somebody close to me, very close. She was my rock, she kept me stable. I have went overboard, I took too many pills and alcohol and went cruising. I hooked up and gave oral as well as received anal using the same condom. This was done to a transvestite. I am beyond humiliated, absolutely scared to death, and counting the seconds until I can get tested. It was 24 hours ago. The condom was intact, we didn't do the water test. What are the odd of it ripping after a minute of oral and anal with no lube. Im worried about small holes. As you can see I am absolutely losing it. Should I get pep? He said he was clean.... its time to find myself again and get help before I hurt myself. What should I do?

Hi there:

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing someone close to you can be very hard. I am sorry for the pain that you are feeling. Please know that hurting yourself is never the answer. Things will get better. I know that it is hard to see that right now, but I promise you that it will. If you think you might hurt yourself, please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Another option would be to talk with a counselor, therapist, or even a trusted friend. You are not alone.

In regards to your risk, it does not sound like you exposed yourself to HIV. Condoms are engineered to bust, not just tear slightly. I'm confident that you effectively protected yourself against HIV.

If you like, you could go in for an HIV test at the three month mark. At three months your result is considered conclusive. I am confident the result will be negative. Good luck, and please take care of yourself. Hugs.

In health,

Richard