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Disclosure desperate!!
Apr 16, 2012

I have been dating a nice man, very intelligent and we get along so well. We had sexual intercourse a few times (protected) and I have given him oral sex (healthy gums) but I know I'm gonna have to tell him about my status but I'm terrified he may stop seeing me. I was thinking of telling him I just found out so that he doesn't think I deceived him from the start. My head is spinning. I know he is not ignorant about hiv but it's the delay in disclosure that could kill the relationship. He has been he want to have kids in the future and settling so I know he is serious about exploring our relationship. Do you think this could work? I am divorced but my ex is negative and so are my 2 kids. I am desperate to keep this man, please help me keep him at all cost.

Response from Dr. Wohl

I am no expert on disclosure but I do believe an honest approach is best. It will not be easy but if you are to regain this man's trust you need to be completely truthful.

Understand that once you tell him that you are HIV+, his head may be spinning with thoughts that will make his hearing anything more you have to say difficult. He may be afraid, especially if he is not very knowledgable about HIV. You can start by expressing how much you care for him and how you would never want to hurt him but that there is something you must tell him even at the risk of your relationship.

Once you do reveal your being positive, try to emphasize to him that the encounters you have had carry no risk of HIV transmission and that your fear of rejection prevented you from disclosing your status.

This will be a great test of your relationship but you must be willing to let him make up his own mind about whether this will work for him or not. Giving him that space respects his feelings and shows you truly care.

DW



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