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Protected vaginal, oral sex amd HIV disclosure

Jan 15, 2012

Hi Richard,

It's good to have you on the board.

What should i do in this situation? I am HIV+ non-progessor (Undetectable; about 1000 t-cells); have never been sick & not on meds. I had protected sex with a condom to HIV- boyfriend. There was also oral sex. We live in different states but his child lives in my state. He expressed interest of wanting to be closer to his son. I felt a need to disclose my status after our 1st sexual encounter as our friendship is growing fast & didn't want to do it further down the road.

I hesistated to disclose over the phone but he encouraged me "drop your guard down and don't allow fear & weakness control you" and so, i disclosed. Now, his question "why did you disclose after the fact" Since protection was used, it didn't occur or felt as it was time yet to disclose at first. I provided HIV resources including so he can learn more on HIV/AIDS.

He is not talking to me; he texted when at hospital getting HIV test asking why i did not disclose first. Now, no texts, calls or any communication.

Different disclosure resources states " disclose when it is time as long there is no risk involved" Even when people with HIV like me try to be honest with those we love, we are still rejected. I wish we had our own small world to live. We have to be perfect and cannot make any mistakes.

What should i do in this situation????

Response from Mr. Cordova

Hi there:

First, you should know that in many states, you must disclose your HIV positive status to all sexual partners before engaging in sexual relations.

That being said, disclosing is a highly personal and emotional thing for someone with HIV to do! You have every right to hold off telling someone until you are ready. Keep in mind however, that for many people, not telling them upfront can lead to anger down the road, especially in a situation like this, where you engaged in sexual activities before they knew your status. True, the risk level was low, but to the other person, it can be upsetting.

Bottom line: In this particular case, it might not work out with this guy. For that I am sorry. Being rejected is never fun! HIV is a part of who you are, but it does not define you. Going forward, as hard as it may be, I would suggest that you disclose your status before engaging in sexual activities with partners. This can be a difficult conversation to have, but if they can't handle it, then they weren't the right person for you anyways!

If you haven't already found it, the Mixed-HIV-Status forum is a great resource for you and any of your sexual partners.

I hope this helps. Keep the faith!

In health,


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