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re: disclosure, need advice

Apr 21, 2011

From the tone of your question, it sounds as though you are a generally honorable/honest person, and are choking at the very thought of "holding out" but afraid of coming out with it as well.

As a disability councelor, I've often said that your first and foremost attitude MUST be, "This is what I have to offer, take it or leave it." If they leave, it's not your fault, but their's. And better early than late, in that case.

Don't club him over the head with it, but don't sneak it by him either. The conversation starter that I've found usually works, is comment "I can't, I already have plans for that time. I have a support group to attend."

Then, if you actually do attend a support group, invite him along to a meeting. Or, if you do not, "it bombed, what should I do now?" If you get caught in such a white lie, "well, I didn't want to just club you over the head..."

If he is coming from overseas specifically to see you, you might want to comment about having to work your plans around that support group, or some similar appointment, before he comes.

...just a conversation starter than I've seen work. The trick is to not allow him to become totally invested in a situation/assumption and then hit him with a big surprise. That always ends badly.

A method that one of my friends used, was... she invited me to visit her hospital room at just the right time for me to be there when they were giving her her atripla. But, that "club over the head" approach probably would have ended badly were I not already educated along this line, and/or our friendship was more than it is.

Here's one for you (who needs advice)... it's a question that isn't really looking for an answer, but...

I am HIV-, definitively, conclusively, and certainly. However, I've been diagnosed with AIDS THREE times over the last 10 years. It says so it my medical record (also shows too many negative antibody tests, so I don't see how those diagnoses could have actually got in my record anyway). How would you "disclose"/explain that, and when (considering I often date nurses, it's a professional hazzard, who - even though they aren't supposed to - can easily get ahold of my medical records, and usually do before any relationship flowers).

Response from Dr. Frascino


I'll post your comment for the questioner asking for disclosure advice. However, I personally don't think it's a good idea to lie (even white lie) as part of the disclosure process (or ever, really). Doing so could lead the other person to wonder what else the HIVer might be lying about. I would recommend a more straightforward honest approach. See link below.

Regarding your personal question, I don't understand how you could have been "diagnosed with AIDS THREE times over the past 10 years" if you are definitively and conclusively HIV negative! Where are you getting your medical care? A veterinary clinic??? Certainly I've seen false-positive test results sometimes leading to a wrong diagnosis of "HIV positive." There are several of these unfortunate stories in the archives of this forum. However, as soon as the error is recognized (usually by a more competent physician), the appropriate notation is made in the medical record. I find it bizarre and somewhat paranoid that you would be worrying about how to "disclose" a false-positive test result or wrong diagnosis from your confidential medical record to individuals who have no legal right to even see your confidential files. If you are that concerned about your medical record, review it page by page with your doctor. If there are errors that could be misinterpreted, ask the physician to make the appropriate corrections or an explanatory notation to avoid confusion. Personally, I'd be much more concerned about a wrong diagnosis being made three times than about prying eyes.

Dr. Bob

False positive with the PCR test
Safe ways of consuming semen...

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