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Where is the cum?
Dec 22, 2010

Hey Doc, great job on this site, hope you can ease some of my worries. So i regrettably slept with a CSW two weeks back and i used a condom that was in my wallet for about 4 months (not very smart) The vaginal sex was brief and after i ejaculated i looked at the condom and it appeared to be perfectly in tact but there was very little fluid in it (i expected alot more because i hadn't ejaculated in four days prior) Yet i have heard that condoms break dramatically, so am i safe, or was there a leak? Sincerely, Worried Boy.

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hello Worried Boy,

You had the condom in your wallet for four months??? Dude, it's definitely time you review proper condom storage and use techniques!

Regarding condom failure (breakage), it usually is not subtle. The thin latex stretched tightly over a thrusting, throbbing tallywhacker usually tears very dramatically in the heat of action and Mr. Happy's head comes poking out just like your head pokes out of a Christmas turtleneck sweater. More subtle tears are certainly possible.

I can't explain your less-than-expected amount of spunk in the antique condom, particular if the condom "appeared to be perfectly intact." Since you're worried, Worried Boy, I'd suggest you get a single HIV-antibody test at the three-month mark. Also, take better care of your condoms! I recently blogged about common condom conundrums. See below.

Happy Holidays.

Dr. Bob

Condoms: Papal Pontifications, a Quicker Quickie and CCCCs (Common Condom Complaints and Conundrums), Part One By Bob Frascino, M.D. December 2, 2010

So, a few years back a dude named Sergio-Gaylord (really, that's how he signed his post) wrote to me in The Body's forum Safe Sex and HIV Prevention concerning the subject of "man-bag condoms"!

He wrote:

Hey Dr. McHandsome,

I'm about to enter into the sexually active period of my life. I'm 25 and I can't wait to impress the ladies with my wit and fashion! I'm writing because I'm concerned about carrying condoms in my pocket or wallet. Should I carry them in my man-bag instead or would that be too ticky-tacky?

Thanks for your prompt reply,

Sincerely yours,

Sergio-Gaylord

And folks wonder why I would voluntarily choose to be an expert on this site. This kind of stuff is priceless, far more entertaining than even Stieg Larsson's Millennium Trilogy. And it gives me the chance to respond back with scientific facts and proper bedside manner and decorum.

Response from Dr. Frascino:

You refer to me as Dr. McHandsome; you're 25 but only now about ready to enter into the sexually active period of your life; you expect to impress ladies with your wit and fashion; you carry a man-bag and your name is Sergio-Gaylord????? Whoa! There are so many rainbow flags waving in that message that it's only one penis Popsicle away from a Gay Day parade.

Dude, first off, when someone mentions man-bag on this site, I think scrotum.

To answer your question, condoms can be comfortably carried in your pocket or attaché case or stored for handy use in your nightstand "goody drawer."

Next, you may well be as straight as a lawn dart, but the tone of your post makes me wonder if you could bottom for Liberace. Either way, of course, it's fine with me. I just want you to be safe and sexually content and never-ever ticky-tacky.

Good luck.

Dr. Bob

OK, OK, never mind about the proper bedside manner and decorum, but the scientific stuff was absolutely sound!

I'm amazed at all the things that can go wrong when trying to suit up before a dive into the love canal of your choice. Consequently I thought we should tackle the top five CCCCs (common condom complaints and conundrums). But before addressing the omnipresent "condoms feel too tight" or "condoms break" or "condoms turn my Mr. Stiffy into Mr. Softy," etc., I feel compelled to discuss perhaps the world's greatest condom catastrophe: Pope Benedict XVI.

Actually he and "the church" deserve multiple blog entries to address their shamefully immoral discrimination against women, homophobia and criminal conspiracy to cover up mass child rape, but in light of today's topic, I'll restrict my rant to the Pope's comments on condoms. Let me back up a bit to May 2005, shortly after the current pontiff took office, when he made his first formal pronouncement on the HIV/AIDS pandemic. Speaking to bishops from South Africa (where someone dies from AIDS every two minutes), Botswana (where 28.9% of the adults are HIV infected) and Lesotho (23% of adults infected), the Pope came out strongly against condoms! Such an enlightened and compassionate individual, eh?

In March of 2009, while visiting Cameroon where 540,000 have HIV/AIDS, the Pope proclaimed HIV/AIDS "cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problem." WTF? Condoms aggravate the problem??? How clueless can one dude in an expensive dress and funny-looking hat be???

In May 2009 the Congolese Bishops' Conference gladly embraced the pontiff's pontification, stating: "In all truth, the Pope's message, which we received with joy, has confirmed us in our fight against HIV/AIDS. We say no to condoms!" This is an oxymoron made by a bunch of morons who have sabotaged HIV-prevention efforts in the name of religion! Shame on them!

The Pope's minions have demonized condoms in some truly shocking and morally reprehensible ways, including outright lies. In 2001 Archbishop Francisco Chimoio of Mozambique announced that European condom manufacturers were deliberately infecting condoms with HIV to spread AIDS in Africa! One out of every eight people in Mozambique is HIV infected. Columbian Cardinal Alfonzo Lopez Trujillo had the dubious honor of infamously claiming that the HIV virus can pass through tiny holes in latex condoms! WOWZA! Excuse me, but aren't popes, cardinals and bishops supposed to at least tell the truth?

So now Ratzinger has made headlines once again with this now-famous quote: "There may be a basis in the case of some individuals, as perhaps when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be a first step in the direction of a moralization, a first assumption of responsibility." Color this HIV specialist (and recovering Catholic) unimpressed! That some are reading the Pope's comments as a milestone merely shows how much of a parallel universe the Pope and his minions choose to live in.

Somehow I doubt the true Higher Powers are all that pleased with or impressed by this pope's condom pronouncements issued at a time when two million lives are prematurely snuffed out each year by a disease that, although 100% fatal, is also 100% preventable.

Condoms: Papal Pontifications, a Quicker Quickie and CCCCs (Common Condom Complaints and Conundrums), Part Two By Bob Frascino, M.D. December 17, 2010

CCCC #1: Condoms break.

Many folks writing in about HIV-transmission risk often tell me their condom broke, when in reality they actually never used one. It is just less guilt inducing to report their risk as a condom failure rather than a judgment failure. When used properly, condoms very rarely fail.

I just did a quick survey of the folks posting questions to my inbox over the last few days claiming to have had a condom break. There were over one hundred! I'd be willing to wager that if I cross-examined this group or gave them a dose of Professor Snape's Veritas potion (truth serum from the Harry Potter series), the vast majority would admit they never used the condom. So point number one: condoms will always "fail" if you choose not to use them!

What about those rare instances where the rubberized raincoat does spring a leak? The number one cause by far is user error. For instance, using expired condoms. If you've been carrying that glow-in-the-dark condom in your wallet since the Reagan Era, chances are it's well past its prime and about as trustworthy as Reagan's memory during his second term.

Condoms have expiration dates. So if you only get lucky infrequently, you'll need to keep an eye on when to replace this critical item in the goody drawer of your bedside nightstand. You also might reconsider the urge to purchase the economic jumbo pack at Costco. Really dude, look how long it took you to use the giant-sized jar of mustard you bought there. Do you really think you are going to use 300 condoms in the next few months?

Other tips to help avoid condom catastrophes:

Don't leave air pockets in the tip of the condom. Make sure there is a loose reservoir at the tip to catch the baby batter. Just pinch the tip of the condom (not your tallywhacker) as you roll it down. As you unroll it, work out any air bubbles by stroking the shaft in a downward direction. (Yes, you all know how to stroke the shaft, but it needs to be done in the downward direction.) Use a few drops of your favorite latex-compatible slippery stuff before applying the condom to help reduce friction and the risk of breakage. Avoid keeping condoms in warm places, like the glove box of your car or your wallet. For marathon Cialis-enhanced sessions, check your tallywhacker's rain slicker to make sure it's holding up as well as your pharmacologically-stiffened stiffy. You should consider changing your condom periodically. Remember that warning about "if an erection persists for more than four hours, call your doctor"? Well that applies to changing condoms as well, even if you don't call your doctor.

CCCC #2: Condoms are never around when I need them.

I hear this frequently and often wonder: Dude, exactly where are you having sex? While attending ten o'clock mass at the cathedral? While skydiving? While scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef? Chances are if you keep a handy supply in your bag (gym bag, briefcase or whatever), coat pocket and bedside nightstand goody drawer, you should be "covered"! Don't keep them in your car or wallet, as heat exposure can weaken the latex. Think ahead! If you're going to drink and/or party or wind up at a strip club or massage palace, bring some condoms with you! Frevinsakes! Stop worrying about your reputation just because you carry condoms! It's shocking that 90% of women carry lip protection in their purses, but only 10% carry HIV protection (condoms).

CCCC #3: Condoms feel too tight.

Well hello Mr. Big! Condoms are supposed to be tight. If they weren't, they wouldn't stay in place once the ol' in-and-out gets into full swing (particularly if you're fond of certain positions like the reverse cowgirl/cowboy). For Italians and those built like them, there are longer-sized condoms available (Trojan Magnum, Maxx, Pleasure Plus or Durex). These really do fit those with "bigger" needs. Yes, dear reader, that even includes your anaconda-sized trouser snake. The ring at the base remains the same size to assure even these bigger brands stay in place. I'd suggest you unroll these size XXX-long condoms all the way before installing them on your throbbing tallywhacker. You can then put them on like you would a sock.

CCCC #4: I can't feel anything, so I don't like using them.

Well, if you don't "like" condoms, let me assure you you'll "hate" having HIV/AIDS much more.

Newer types of condoms (such as Maxx or Kimono) are high-quality thinner condoms. Yes, they are reliable. Remember to put a drop of slippery stuff in the tip of the condom to increase the "natural" feel. The water in water-based lubricants conducts heat better than latex, so having some water-based lube on the tip of your big bopper makes it more sensitive and consequently also makes the bopping more enjoyable.

CCCC #5: I just got him hard and if I ask him to cover up he'll go limp again.

No doubt condoms can be a turnoff due to the many bad associations we all have with them, including becoming Mr. Softy while trying to get the damned things out of those foil packets with slippery fingers and/or trying to be cool while attempting to decide which way is right side up. Add to this the fact some folks still only have sex in the dark (what's up with that?) and the entire issue of safer sex performance anxiety, and it's no wonder your tallywhacker gets so frustrated with condoms!

The best way to get over this is to practice -- by yourself! Yes, by yourself. You need to become adept at learning how to get condoms on while you've still got it up. Then enlist the help of a cooperative partner. He, she (or they) can assist in getting your soldier ready for combat. Also, just because Mr. Softy makes an untimely appearance once doesn't mean you should forego condoms forever! If you deflate while condomizing, talk it over with your partner and try it again, perhaps using a different technique. Practice does indeed make perfect hot safe sex. Despite what you may believe, your brain is your biggest sex organ! You need to put your mind at ease by making condoms a routine habit.

I should also mention a new and possibly improved method for quicker quickies. Sensis has recently decided the centuries-old latex protector could benefit from modern technology. They have added two detachable Band-Aid-like pull-tabs for their new line of condoms. This purportedly eliminates roll-down mistakes and allows for very speedy condomizing. The new improved variety should help decrease other condom missteps, such as scratching the latex with Barbra Streisand (or drag queen) fingernails or putting the latex suit on inside out.

These are only five of the numerous "coulda, shoulda, woulda" reasons that, when it comes to the dance-with-no-pants, condoms stay in foil wrappers rather than adorning (and protecting) throbbing tallywackers. Meanwhile every 9.5 minutes another person in the United States joins the ranks of the positively charged and begins his journey of life with HIV/AIDS.



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