Scared to believe my negative result
Oct 18, 2010
I am scared to believe my negative rapid HIV result. What if it was wrong and I don't get treated and I get an OI and die?
On the other hand, I'm terrified to believe it was wrong, that would mean I am HIV+.
And in the end, I'm petrified to test again, so I live in this limbo, fearing the result was wrong and unable to think of anything else. Obsessing. Every little thing that is wrong with me is magnified. I'm always asking myself, is this a symptom of HIV?
I think maybe this is common. I know I've read plenty of posts where someone is afraid the negative result was wrong. That huge What If that is like the evil that lurks in the darkness, waiting to jump out and devour us.
Is it paranoia? Guilt for our past mistakes? Is a negative result just too good to be true? I find myself thinking it's impossible I'm negative, after all that I've done, how careless I've been, and then, of course, there's those symptoms that seem to keep multiplying.
I've convinced myself I'm positive, and deep down I pray I'm not. That hope never dies, but neither does the fear.
The only thing that has kept me sane is you, Dr. Bob. As my world crumbles around me I come here and can actually smile, laugh out loud even, at your witty and wise ass remarks.
For all of you out there that feel like me, I hope we find our way out of this darkness. I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy my life. It is too short for me to spend it obsessing in this way.
Response from Dr. Frascino
You are scared of your negative results; terrified of possible positive results; and petrified to retest. It seems to me your problem is fear ("scared, terrified, petrified"), not HIV.
A negative rapid test taken outside the window period is considered a true negative. You should be WOO-HOOing.
"Is it paranoia?" Yep!
"Is it guilt for past mistakes?" Often guilt plays a significant part in irrational HIV fears.
"Is a negative result just too good to be true?" No, of course not, you silly person you!
You state: "I've convinced myself I'm positive . . ." even though you are holding a negative test. That makes you a fluffernutter, right?
I'd suggest you read through the chapter in the archives entitled "I'm Positive I'm Positive." There you'll find lots of other fluffernutters just like you. They too, all turned out to be HIV-negative! My advice is that you seek counseling (psychotherapy) to help you confront and conquer your totally irrational and completely unwarranted fears. It's the best way to turn your worry into a WOO-HOO!
As for your primary worry that your test result is wrong and so you won't get treated and consequently will contract an OI and then die, well if that happens, you really won't have anything to worry about, because you'll be planted six feet under pushing up daisies, right? So why worry? I strongly recommend more laughing out loud and less needless anxiety/worry. Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead, OK?
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