I need help thinking more positively about being positive.
Aug 8, 2010
You always have a way in creating a brighter future for all people who discover you. I don't personally know you but I greatly admire you. xoxo
I don't care if others read this and think i'm crazy because i know myself very well and am trying to do everything I can to better myself.
I'd like to know if all that I hear from my HIV specialist is true. Things such as... You're not going to die from HIV. You're fine! WELL, you feel ok, right?
I feel as though doctors are trained to reassure the patient that they'll be alright. I feel like I'm being lied too. I go to a top clinic and a highly recommended physician. At first I made up some bs in my head to convince myself that I'm okay and lately, I've been terrified. I'm on anti-anxiety and HIV meds. Here is where it gets crazy...
The day before I tested positive, I had a nightmare. Of course it's common when people have dreams but I actually believe that mine has a precognitive meaning behind it. I'm not going to go into full detail and waste more of your time. I saw the number 3 in my dream. A clock and an owl which later found out represent death, dark yellow which represents illness and a tombstone that had a 3 year period.
Now I'm convinced that I'm going to die in 3 years. My mother and I always have dreams that come true. We have even dreamt lottery numbers and won a few times. I don't know how you're going to respond to this one but please help in some way. Am I just raised in a fam full of gypsies that are crazy and it somehow effected me growing up? :(
Now I really believe that i'm going to die because my cd4 count dropped from 420 to 384. the good news was that my vl is now undetectable. the doc said "no worries sexy, you gonna be ok!" lol just like that. no explanation to why my cd4 dropped. Just promises that they'll go back up someday in the future.
Should I believe him?
Should I believe in my dreams?
Response from Dr. Frascino
Last night after an evening of talking to my 15-year-old niece about pop music, I dreamed I married Lady Gaga. Somehow I doubt that's going to happen. I also doubt your dream was a premonition. More likely it was a consequence of anxiety and fear.
As for your doctor, I don't think he should call you "sexy," even if you are. I also do not agree with his comment "you're not going to die from HIV," because no one can predict the future. I do, however, agree with him that you are overreacting to your dream and your current laboratory studies. CD4 counts can bounce up and down for all sorts of reasons unrelated to HIV. HIV disease is a very slowly progressive illness. You need to look for trends over a much longer period of time to ascertain if there is a trend in one direction or another. Now that your HIV plasma viral load is undetectable, there is a very good chance you will see some degree of immune reconstitution (rise in CD4 count and CD4%).
Anti-anxiety medications can help with situations like yours. Psychotherapy (counseling) should also be considered to help you confront and conquer your unwarranted worries if they are becoming a problem.
Should you believe your dreams? Nah. Dreams by definition are not reality. I'll certainly let you know if Lady Gaga shows up on bended knee, OK?
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