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Discordinant couple
May 17, 2010

I recently found out my partner is HIV positive confronted him and forced him to test after I found out his x fiancé has full blown AIDS. we had an accident 9months ago but luckily I didnt contract the virus. He has dry lower lip which usually gets cuts so from the beginning I refused french kissing(maybe Im psychic). Being a black south african female puts me in a difficult situation because of the stigma around it. I come from a family of medical professionals and was taught about it from a young age. I love him completely but there are a few things standing in my way. Stigma from society and family, Accidental transmission, My family not accepting the risk I have put myself in, Anger and trust. Im angry because I feel he has always known and never bothered to share until I broached the subject. I do not understand why he didnt share this information with me and why he always spoke about Kids when he knew he was sick. What sort of assistance can I get emotionally as he still doesnt take me to see his physician despite the fact that I am well aware he is on ARV treatment and I constantly have to check on him. He is a weekend binge drinker and therefore he ends up not taking his medication methodolically as prescribed. what are the possibilities of being resistant to his current regimen if he takes a holiday on weekend to kill his liver. This is fustrating for me since it pains me to watch him kill himself day by day and Im helpless about it. I feel I sacrificed too much and he has taken a nonchalant stance. He has no respect for his life and mine since he expects me to commit to something while he shortens the life span. every day I feel guilty whenever I think of leaving because deep down I love him despite HIV.I know that once your CD4 count is less than 300 and you dont change your lifestyle then your lifespan is less than 5years considering the opportunistic diseases that he has had. Is there any forum or resource I can use to educate him. alteast then he can make informed choices because the physician just gives him pills without explaining how to take them and the side effects which he will experience

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hello,

Your Mr. Right "has no respect for his life or (yours)," is a "weekend binge drinker," does not adhere to his HIV medications regimen, has a nonchalant attitude about the disease, and didn't disclose his HIV status to you until you confronted him. Hmm. Did you ever consider that this Mr. Right is not Mr. Happily-Ever-After? In fact he sounds more like Mr. Disaster-Waiting-To-Happen.

This relationship does not appear to be based on trust, honesty, commitment or much of anything really. You may love him or feel guilty about leaving, but this guy's actions clearly indicate he doesn't love himself or you (willing to place you at risk for HIV/AIDS). I'd suggest you leave.

As for a resource to help educate your positively charged, hopefully soon-to-be-ex boyfriend, I'd recommend this site. It has a wealth of information if he's motivated enough or interested enough to read it!

Dr. Bob



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