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Your daily dose of worried married men (MARRIED MEN AND GAY SEX, 2009)

Sep 6, 2009

Dear Doctor Robert:

Please excuse my English as I am from Southamerica.

I have read in one of your clever and humorous responses, that every day you get 5 or 6 letters from married, straight men, that have gone to the "wild-zone", having sex with other men. Well, here you have one of those letters...

In october 2006 I had two brief man-on-man sexcapades while on business travel, in one I received oral sex, and in the other I gave brief unprotected oral sex to a man of unknown HIV status (one minute, no ejaculation and I was not aware of the presence of pre-ejaculate fluid), then I received protected anal sex (the condom was used properly and did not fail).

Ten days after this episode and after realizing the stupid thing I have done, I developed shooting pain in my glands (tonsils), dyspnea, under armpit pain, muscle tingling, hands and feet skin desquamation (NO fever). Some of this symptoms lasted 2 months. I was, and still I am, petrified for this and I don't have the courage to take the test. Obviously I can not discuss this with anybody, not even my wife. Now my wife has developed "pitiriasis versicolor" (even I had always had safe sex with her since these incidents), and I have found on the internet that this skin condition can be caused by HIV.

As a married men, with children, I am absolutely terrified, as you can imagine.

Can you help me, please?

Best regards,


Response from Dr. Frascino

Hello Fernando,

Actually your post is probably closer to number 10 or 12 for today dealing with married men entering their "wild zone" and having sex with other guys. I think we could make a full-length "Married Men Gone Gay Wild" video just with the cast of characters who have written in today!

You have two issues to deal with:

1. HIV. Your HIV-acquisition risk is very low, assuming the latex condom you used for anal sex was used properly and did not fail as you stated in your post. I would recommend getting an HIV-antibody test at the three-month mark for a definitive result. Your "symptoms" (and your wife's pityriasis) are not worrisome for HIV acute retroviral syndrome (ARS). Your fears ("absolutely terrified") are way out of proportion to any real degree of HIV risk. This most likely reflects your guilt and anxiety over your walk on the wild side. This brings us to your second problem.

2. Sexual orientation. You've had only two man-on-man experiences to date. However, giving oral sex and being the receptive partner of anal sex suggest your gay tendencies are more than more mere curiosity. I would urge you to level with your wife and also to seek counseling (psychotherapy) to explore sexual orientation issues.

Good luck Fernando.

Dr. Bob

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