My partner and I have decided to let each other sleep with other people. We had a situation come up the other day where this was possible for her. I was happy and excited about it, but I thought we should have a short talk about protection/safety... and brought up something that I thought was basic and taken for granted, and she thought was ridiculous. I thought, in addition to obviously wearing a condom, she should also ask the other guy if he's been tested, whether he has risky sex, whether he knows of having any possible std's. My girlfriend told me she had never asked anyone this before having sex and would rather not ask this particular guy. She thought that condoms were enough. I'm new to this possible scenario, but I thought this type of question asking/disclosure was very common and important. any thoughts would be great. thanks

Hi,

Disclosure is a complex topic. In fact we have an entire chapter devoted to it in the archives. I do believe it's very important to disclose one's HIV and STD status before hitting the sheets for an episode of horizontal mattress mambo; however, even more important is always taking all necessary precautions to prevent STDs, including HIV. Personally I wouldn't totally trust what another guy said to me about his HIV status, even if he had a lie detector strapped to his Mr. Happy. We all need to be personally responsible and do everything we can to prevent viral transmission.

Are disclosure and asking questions about health status common? That depends on the setting. It's routine with some folks, but nearly nonexistent in sex clubs, such as San Francisco's Blow Buddies or some heterosexual swinger's clubs, like Club Cleopatra in Paris.

I'd suggest both you and your partner peruse the information in the archives of this forum. We have chapters not only on disclosure, but also on STDs, HIV sexual prevention, safer sexual techniques and a variety of related topics. Check it out.

Play safe and you'll stay safe.

Dr. Bob