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Re: Really Worried march 26th
Mar 28, 2009

Dear Doctor,

After reading your response to my problems and what I was going to tell my wife, I have spent most of today crying and soul searching. I also spoke to my best friend who knows me and my wife very well, I hope you are not upset with me but i went along with the doctor, testicles and condom strategy and it seems like my wife went along with that (it was not easy to lie and I hate myself for it) however I decided that if I can protect my wife until a 3 month conclusive test and save my marriage without ever being unfaithful again (I know this in my heart it was a one and only) then i will try to go for this strategy. If her protection is compromised due to suspicion of course I would come clean and would never put her at risk, to be honest I just want to pray that fate will give me another chance to be a better husband, father and person and I believe telling her will shatter her heart so much no matter what I do it will never be the same, I will carry this guilt and try to use it to make other peoples lives better, I hope I can. Thanks for you taking time out to respond to me and I really really appreciate it and hope you dont think Im too bad a person for taking this route.

Once again thanks Doc.

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hi,

No, of course I'm not upset with you. I'm here merely to offer the benefit of my experience. Your "I have testicular pain and the doctor said I need to use a condom for three months" strategy is quite creative. Perhaps it will even work. However, in general I still believe lying to save a marriage is usually not a good idea. Hopefully it will work for you, but I certainly don't recommend it for others reading this post. In fact I won't be surprised at all if in the not-too-distant future you write back and advise me that you decided to level with your wife after all. Either way, I'm quite convinced you learned from this unfortunate indiscretion and will not have another lapse of judgment in the future.

Good luck! I certainly do not think you are a bad person, OK?

Dr. Bob

Really worried Mar 26, 2009

Hello Doctor Bob,

I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I wont harrass you with how truly ashamed and lousy I feel but I am married man, wife was away with son on holiday for two weeks. Was on a night out, ended up as trashed as I can remember(no excuse) and somehow managed to be stupid enough to sleep and have oral sex and vaginal intercourse with Phillipino sex worker without condom, help??? I am in hell and believe my life will never be the same, I have told my wife I am having severe testicular pain and will go to doctor, the next step will be to tell her we need to use a condom for a few months. I have never felt so low as I truly love my wife and have never been unfaithful. I have noone to talk to and just feel like topping myself... if I told my wife my marriage would be over, lost my son the lot. what are my chances of exposure and whats the quickest I can get any realistic idea of my status, also I had a blister on my lip during oral which just makes me feel even worse....please help if you can, I know I prob dont deserve it but hoping I can get throught this and try to be a better man.

Love and Respect to all your work

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hi Really Worried,

The estimated per-act statistical risk for acquiring HIV from unprotected insertive penile-vaginal sex and unprotected insertive oral sex with a partner confirmed to be HIV positive is 5 per 10,000 and 0.5 per 10,000 exposures respectively. Your estimated statistical risk would be even less, as we do not know the HIV status of your gal-pal. I would recommend an HIV-antibody test at the three-month mark. Please note the odds are very much in your favor that you did not contract HIV from this indiscretion. Also, don't be too hard on yourself. We are all only human, which means we all make mistakes. Even yours truly! The important thing is to admit our mistakes, accept responsibility for our actions and learn from the experience.

As for telling your wife you have severe testicular pain, need to see a doctor, and need to use a condom for a few months, well, I'd recommend against that strategy. She'll never buy it, nor should she, as it's not the truth. I suggest you level with her and the sooner the better. Not only is it the only way you'll ever be able to cope with your guilt; it's also the right thing to do. Sure, she'll get mad, but chances are good she'll eventually forgive you. Show her this post and my response. Your guilt and regret as well as your love for your wife and family come through loud and clear in your comments. Lasting relationships are built on trust and honesty. Getting through difficult times together actually strengthens relationships. Dishonesty and secrets can undermine them.

Good luck. I'm here if you need me or if your wife needs to ask any questions, OK?

Dr. Bob



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