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Really worried
Mar 26, 2009

Hello Doctor Bob,

I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I wont harrass you with how truly ashamed and lousy I feel but I am married man, wife was away with son on holiday for two weeks. Was on a night out, ended up as trashed as I can remember(no excuse) and somehow managed to be stupid enough to sleep and have oral sex and vaginal intercourse with Phillipino sex worker without condom, help??? I am in hell and believe my life will never be the same, I have told my wife I am having severe testicular pain and will go to doctor, the next step will be to tell her we need to use a condom for a few months. I have never felt so low as I truly love my wife and have never been unfaithful. I have noone to talk to and just feel like topping myself... if I told my wife my marriage would be over, lost my son the lot. what are my chances of exposure and whats the quickest I can get any realistic idea of my status, also I had a blister on my lip during oral which just makes me feel even worse....please help if you can, I know I prob dont deserve it but hoping I can get throught this and try to be a better man.

Love and Respect to all your work

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hi Really Worried,

The estimated per-act statistical risk for acquiring HIV from unprotected insertive penile-vaginal sex and unprotected insertive oral sex with a partner confirmed to be HIV positive is 5 per 10,000 and 0.5 per 10,000 exposures respectively. Your estimated statistical risk would be even less, as we do not know the HIV status of your gal-pal. I would recommend an HIV-antibody test at the three-month mark. Please note the odds are very much in your favor that you did not contract HIV from this indiscretion. Also, don't be too hard on yourself. We are all only human, which means we all make mistakes. Even yours truly! The important thing is to admit our mistakes, accept responsibility for our actions and learn from the experience.

As for telling your wife you have severe testicular pain, need to see a doctor, and need to use a condom for a few months, well, I'd recommend against that strategy. She'll never buy it, nor should she, as it's not the truth. I suggest you level with her and the sooner the better. Not only is it the only way you'll ever be able to cope with your guilt; it's also the right thing to do. Sure, she'll get mad, but chances are good she'll eventually forgive you. Show her this post and my response. Your guilt and regret as well as your love for your wife and family come through loud and clear in your comments. Lasting relationships are built on trust and honesty. Getting through difficult times together actually strengthens relationships. Dishonesty and secrets can undermine them.

Good luck. I'm here if you need me or if your wife needs to ask any questions, OK?

Dr. Bob



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