|Re: remember me in ireland, another donation on the way.
Jan 9, 2009
Thanks for the reply.
You are right. I am depressed. But I can handle depression somewhat. I do and have suffered from it at times in the past. What i cant handle is HIV.
I generally have a good intuition, and also i know my symptoms and timeline are pretty credibly ARS related.
The fact is i dont want to live with HIV. I am afraid if i know for sure i will end my life. But i also think i might not have the courage to do it and be stuck in a living hell.
I pray every night for my life to be taken and anything good from it given to someone else more deserving.
Sorry again for all this.
| Response from Dr. Frascino
"I pray every night for my life to be taken and anything good from it given to someone else more deserving"???? Ireland-guy, if that isn't a classic quote from the handbook of the severely clinically depressed, I'll turn in my medical license.
Unfortunately you are not handling your depression and I strongly doubt you can resolve this problem without the help of a psychiatrist. My assessment and recommendations remain unchanged, but your need for psychiatric help becomes more evident with every post. Unfortunately I cannot be your psychiatrist. (Your frequent posts to me are much more of a cry for psychiatric help than HIV information!) Once again, I urge you to get the help you obviously and desperately need. I have nothing more I can offer you over the Internet. But I do hope you follow my advice!
remember me in ireland, another donation on the way. Jan 6, 2009
Hi Dr. Bob,
Thanks for your replies in the past. Please read and reply and help me, if you can. I have donated and will donate again. I know it sounds like a bribe but i have no one to talk to, and have told no one. I am so alone and sad. All my own fault I know. You might remember me in Ireland. I was the guy who had unprotected vaginal sex with a sub-saharan african woman,living in Ireland. At the time I also had chlamydia. 11 days later I developed a dry cough which got worse after a few days, and then also runny/blocked nose, sore "blocked" ears and stiff jaw. It all lasted about two and a half weeks starting with just a cough and finishing with just a cough. Anyway its been six weeks today. I havent tested. I am afraid to. Terrified. I have really considered suicide. I have planned it. To make it look like an accident so it wouldnt hurt my family as much. It would kill them if I took my own life. I know because a family member came close to it before and i know how i felt then, how bad i felt about it, how much i blamed myself, how much i asked and said and knew i should have done more, i should have seen , i should have helped. And he didnt even do it. So i can imagine how it would make them feel if i did it, if i killed myself. So i am going to try to live with this, to at least survive. So i know you will say get real, have a test, find out. But to be honest I would not be able to handle a positive result now. I know it. I am not ready. I need to be prepared. I know this is a bit of a contradiction as if i am so sure i have it why fear testing and a positive result. Things wont have changed. But that tiny possibility of being negative is what im holding onto to keep me sane and alive right now until i am ready to know the truth and prepared for a positive result. On top of that i loose my job in April, or a blood test before being made permanent as part of a medical. I have no savings, no security. Things are really only holding together by a thread for me. I have stopped my part time studies, left my martial arts club. I need help. So my question is, my plea is this; What can i do, how can i prepare for this. Help me please. I also know you say symptoms are never a definite. But I am convinced I must have it, even though at times i can convince myslef possibly i am ok. Its just the timeline of symptoms. And they were so strange. The blocked ears, the stiff jaw, the slight tightness in neck and throat when trying to swallow (could these be related to swelling of lymph nodes around neck jaw and ear areas? i fear so.). And all happening the more or less typical 11 days to 27 days afterwards approx. Two days after the drunken night I had sex, three times i might add, lasting about half an hour or more, i contacted the girl in question. I asked her does she have HIV. Her reply was "what took you so long to ask" and then a denial. I pushed it a little and asked again, she became a little angry and denied again. I believed her, it was a relief to hear that, but then the symptoms, and who will tell anyone they infected them with HIV, especially an african girl from where HIV means death. A few weeks later i talked to her again. She assured me no, said it was in my head. Told me six months previous she had stomach pains, had eventually found a cyst on her ovaries, and at that time had a full std/sti test and all was negative. All sounds somewhat plausible, and even as i write i am giving myslef heart to believe i am ok, but i just feel im not. Also she may have been infected after this if it is true at all or being in the early stages at the time of test. Being from africa and the community she lives in in ireland. But this all means nothing. I dont know why i tell you. I suppose to hear what you think of her story. And now she is gone and cant be contacted. She did mention going home for a few months. I just have that horrible gut feeling that things are bad for me and only getting worse. Anyway I am a mess, please help. Guide me. I know there are lots of people writing about symptoms and infection, but most have no real risk. i.e. oral sex etc etc. And I start to believe that some sort of symptoms do generally always occur, just may be very mild, which in a way mine were, and therefore sometimes not noticed. And the timeline, and the strange way this girl acted the next morning. Anyway you must think I am crazy with all my ramblings. I wish i was. It couldnt be worse than how i feel now. Strangely if i had had every symptom in the book, i might put it down to the power of the mind and fear creating all classic "ars symptoms" in me. But it is the high risk encounter and the mild but strange cough and runny/blocked nose, sore "blocked" ears and stiff jaw. Even the cough was strange. It started off so dry. Anyway sorry for pouring all this on you again. Please respond. I need to know what can i do to prepare for a positive result.
I will donate again.
Im going to perth, western australia in two weeks for work, for two weeks. I have read something about they having a test that is conclusive earlier. thinkin i might try pluck up the courage and do it there, it would be eight weeks then. can you tell me anything about this or getting tested in australia.
Sorry for asking again, but please help.
I know i sound so weak and useless and scared. Its because i am.
P.S. If helping others makes you happy, you should be the happiest man alive. You couldnt be doing more. Its people like you that keep the world spinning. The rest of us just tag along for the ride.
Response from Dr. Frascino
I'll be blunt. You need a psychiatrist much more than you need an HIV test at this time. Your post clearly demonstrates that you are clinically severely depressed. That you have even considered suicide is an absolute indication that psychiatric intervention is warranted.
You state: ". . . I would not be able to handle a positive result now . . . ." Well, you're not handling not knowing your status either! You report: ". . . I am convinced I must have it . . . ." In essence you've already given yourself the positive test result that you state you can't handle!
Your other statements reveal the depth of your depression:
(1) "I just have that horrible gut feeling that things are bad for me only getting worse."
(2) ". . . I'm a mess."
(3) "I have really considered suicide. I have planned it."
My advice is very straightforward. You need to see a psychiatrist without delay. Bring a copy of this post and my response with you to your first visit and show it to the physician. It will help focus your treatment and speed your recovery. Once your depression and anxiety are under control, you'll be able to handle the increased temporary stress of getting HIV tested. At the present time, it's your depression that is your primary medical problem and requires immediate intervention.
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