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Time to become asexual?

Dec 16, 2008

Hi Dr. Bob... a few months ago, I had a brief relationship with this crazy fella in san francisco (we met in a mostly straight bar). I read that the HIV prevalence is 1 in 4 for MSMs in SF, our age demographic is late 20s and mid 30s. With my friend, we indulged in unprotected oral sex (give and receive, where I was only exposed to precum) and masturbation several times. He assured me (under the influence) that I was not going to take away any souvenirs. There was no other sex, in fact Ive never had any other form of male sex besides the above. My issue is that I believe this guy has an oral fixation leading to indiscriminate oral sex, somewhat of a serial sucker! He also drank self destructively with occasional drug use, which as we all know can and often does lead to unsafe sex. I cant shake the feeling off my mind that there is significant chance that he was positive, without knowing it or just not honest / in denial. Unfortunately he cut me off entirely with the end of the relationship. Now being in another city, I have no way to get a conclusive response to access my risk. On a separate occasion last year, I had unprotected oral with a guy who I met at a bar and never met again. I tested negative after that episode, getting a lot of reassurance from your forum over the course of several panic attacks in the 3 month window... Swore never to put myself at risk again and here I am, back to square one and feeling like Ive run out of luck this time! Too scared to test... Is this a case of unnecessary fear of HIV? Should I get tested?? To me its looking like asexuality is the only solution to not living in perpetual fear! I believe protected oral sex is great idea but only exists in the realm of theory. (My donation towards the fight against HIV is way overdue and I will rectify this before we're in 2009! I suspect some of my fear, being a little superstitious, comes from guilt not having made any donations yet!)

Response from Dr. Frascino


You met a "serial sucker" with an oral fixation for indiscriminate blowjobs in a "mostly straight bar"??? Yep, you were definitely in San Francisco! Now, what's all this nonsense about being "too scared to test"??? I want you to read the archives of this forum. Yes, all of them! I believe that should resolve your "too scared to test" problem! If not, you should seek professional counseling to help you cope with your irrational fears of being HIV positive.

To answer your specific questions:

1. Yes, this is unquestionably another case of unnecessary fear of HIV. Oral sex carries only a very small risk for HIV acquisition/transmission. You'll learn all about that when you read the entire chapter on oral sex in the archives.

2. Yes, you should get tested, because you are terrified of being HIV positive and that's no way to live. The primary reason to test is to put your (unwarranted) worries permanently to rest.

3. Is asexuality the only solution? Perish the thought! Dude, for most of us, not having sex is not even a viable option. (Look how well it worked out for the Catholic priests!) Sex can and should be hot fun, not anxiety provoking! Safer sex really does exist, even in San Francisco and in magnetic couples like mine! Hot, passionate, safe, toe-curling, own-name-forgetting fusion sex can be yours. (I speak from experience, lots and lots of experience.) Get the help you need and then the sex you also need!

As for donations to help others in desperate need, yes, it's a wonderful way to rack up excellent cosmic karma with the higher powers, but stop feeling guilty about not having made a donation! My advice here is free and available to one and all, whether or not they choose to make a donation, OK?

Be well. Happy Holidays.

Dr. Bob

broken hearts
Receptive anal sex with a condom

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