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Confession
Oct 13, 2008

Dr. Bob,

I am a 30 yr married hetro and like apparently lots of others on this site am still going through the pains of growing. I have used your site for sanity checks now for over 3 years. Just trying to educate myself (usually after risky behavior). I recently had a one night stand unprotected with a woman of unknown status. It was three months ago. I cannot tell you how my times I have looked in my throat and felt my lymph nodes since then. I never had symptoms after two to four weeks but it states no symptoms is sometimes common. I am now mentally convinced that I have it. I have been having headaches in the morning and stomache pains and sore joints and it seems like evertime I piss it is like I am dehydrated (not dark but not clear). I have been sweating more and got the chills somewhat frequently. It could also be a million other things like hep A, B, C or other STD's. I know what to do (use protection bah blah blah duh) and that I should just get tested but it almost seems like I am set on worrying myself so that I finally learn my lesson. See I keep saying the last time was the last time. And then I get a woo hoo (negative test result)and somwehow forget how worried I was for six months and then do it again (usually after drinking heavily). The problem lies in that my job constantly takes me away from my wonderful wife and kids and I do not have the discipline to just stay in my hotel and order a dirty movie. I cannot get a different job. So I have attempted to stop drinking when travelling because that is what puts me around available females who are also impaired. I need to go get tested but the way I look at it what is done is done. If I have it then no doubt my wife does too and probably our son who is still breastfeeding as well. So instead of asking you a question I am just sort of using your site as a place to put down my thoughts so that others might learn from them. Unfortunately, I know that most of the married men reading this are only here because they are worried too. So here it is. I am telling all of you after almost 10 years of being unfaithful to 2 wives that it is not worth it. I know why you do it. You want to see if you still have it or maybe you got married young and never explored all your options. Either way I am here to tell you that both of those reasons are not what matters. It is not a cool thing to do or the right thing to do. Take it from me. It is not fun worrying constantly about the day I finally get caught or feeling like a giant piece of shit everytime my wife tells me how great of a husband/father I am. Leave it in your pants gents and if you are the one saying that you can walk away from women who throw themselves at you I say this. I walk away 9 out of 10 times and look at my track record. Even though I cannot find the disciplne to do the right thing I hope this helps some of you. I am making this pledge to all of you reading this. This time IS THE LAST TIME. If I get a woohoo this time then I am done putting myself and my family at risk. I will spend a fortune on couseling if I start getting the urge. For those who are thinking about getting married for the first time or the teth time know this. If you have cheated on most of the people you have been with or your current fiance then I will almost gaurantee you will cheat/fail as a husband. The only reason I did it again is because I wanted to have children and I thought they needed a solid home. I wanted to take the time to thank you DR.BOB for your relentless efforts of trying to educate everyone. It must be tough keeping up and reading all of these emails, reapeting the same old stuff (you cannot get it from that silly). You have drive that I admire. I do not require a response. I already know that my chances of contracting are somewhere arourn 0.0005 or 5 in 10000. I know more about HIV/STD's then the majority of doctors I read from the responses on this site. I just need to finally let it all go and be the husband and father that I know I can be without all this other bullshit in my life.

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hi,

Confessions are good for the soul. However, not putting yourself at risk for STDs/HIV is what's good for the body (and mind).

You seem to have excellent insight into your problem, but lack the willpower to resist the destructive behavior. Certainly alcohol can impair judgment. Avoiding alcohol is a good first step. You state, "I will spend a fortune on counseling if I start getting the urge." Why wait to get the urge that you know damn well will indeed come? I strongly suggest you begin counseling now to deal with your many issues, including guilt. Ultimately, I would suggest you level with your wife. I know it's not easy, but it's not only the best way to confront your guilt; it's also the right thing to do. Recognizing our faults, accepting the consequences of our actions and, most importantly, learning from our mistakes is the only real way to break the cycle of self-destructive behavior.

Good luck! I'm here if you need me, OK?

Dr. Bob



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